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Thread: Drinking in relationship

  1. #41
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Has your drinking changed in that time? ...Assuming your drinking has been pretty much the same since the beginning, I'm genuinely wondering how you've managed to be together for so long. With the sensitivity you're describing—smelling two beers "through your pores" after brushing your teeth and showering—this sounds like something that would have reared its head pretty early.
    Great point, BC. OP, if your drinking has been consistent since the start, then it's not the problem, and I'd gently call that out to ask him what the 'real' problem has become. I'd give him the time and space to come up with that answer--and I'd consider whether this has become his attention-seeking device. If you believe so, address THAT by giving him more of what you believe that he wants.

  2. #42
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    Agree with cat and blue, five years together, and this has only now become an issue for him?

    Something's not jiving.

  3. #43
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    i may be the lone person with this opinion --

    but often people get into relationships with others where everythig is 90% fine and they say "oh we are in love, being different faiths/radically different heights/something else" is no big deal. or "i should be okay with someone having a drink because everyone does it" and then a few years later they realize it *is* indeed a problem. Or maybe he really liked you and he did his best

    Honestly, if everything else about this relationship was good, i would work on expanding my "relaxation toolbox". A friend of mine is a wine drinker. She used to have a glass to unwind and the a medical situation happened where she was unable to drink at all. She learned a few things about herself -- why was she getting so stress that she needed to drink? And she found that having a few minutes alone, a leisurely path, a walk, putting on the earbuds and listening to music, getting a massage and reading were also things that helped her "unwind."
    Now she CAN have a glass of wine again, but she hardly has one. She occasionally will to try something new at a dinner or once in awhile, but it is no longer her ritual.

    If you love this man, instead of "oh, no he is controlling!" why not work on putting a few more things in your "relax and unwind" toolbox. Just give them a try. TWO beers every single day between 2-6 pm is a ritual for you -- why not try going to a stretching class after work before he goes home, a painting class, taking a walk, getting a massage every few weeks, or reading a book? Just to see --- you have nothing to lose. Or chat with a friend. Depending if you are an introvert or extrovert. Or garden.

    if this guy is a guy you want to be with, i think giving up having 2 beers EVERY SINGLE DAY is worth giving up. I mean, have a beer occasionally or have a drink socially, you don't have to give it up completely. but if this guy had to live through coming home every day to his parents drinking and it affected his whole life -- why not give just a little bit? I mean, you will grow as a person to get other things in your toolbox.

    Give it a try.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Is this a newer routine for you? Has anything changed? Did you two discuss earlier on your expectations around drinking?

    Speaking personally, I too am sensitive to every day or excessive drinking. Its just not something I want in my life, with the people I choose to be close with. The bf and I talked about this fairly early on, and again when we moved in together. I would be very uncomfortable with near every day drinking, even if it's one beer. Some may see it as moderate, but for me, it's too much space alcohol is given.
    A drink here and there is very different from habitual use.

    If your long day ends at 2, I'm guessing you are doing very early hours and probably on your feet. Maybe he's noticing a change you aren't. Are you exhausted and stretched thin all the time? Is that why a beer sounds so good at 3 pm?
    Not even judging, but I don't think it's crazy he's concerned.

    By the way, any kids in the picture ?

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are there other problems? Is he using this point to address for example your appearance, moods, attitudes, energy level, libido, participation in the relationship? Reflect and think through why, exactly, he thinks it's such a problem?
    Originally Posted by CountryCat
    The other day he called me an alcoholic for the 3rd or 4th time because I enjoy having a beer or 2 after my long day.

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