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Thread: Drinking in relationship

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    He's overly sensitive to it cause he was surrounded by addiction growing up.

    That stays with a person.

    It doesn't sound like you're compatible and he's wrong imo for trying to control you.

    I most likely would not be able to remain with a person like this, but it's your call.

    Not because I need to drink (I only drink occasionally now anyway) but because what's next?

    Right now it's your drinking but what if down the road, he doesn't approve of something else?

    Is he gonna attempt to squelch that too? Most likely, yes.

    Just me but no thanks, buh bye.
    At the same time watching the horrors of addiction you really donít want to see more of it.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Why do you need to drink every day (even if it is one or two)?
    Have you tried going a week without drinking after work or with your dinner?
    Yes, I have. I've gone extended periods of time without but then the day I do.....bam. Well, that day or the day after he makes comments about it.

    I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I can't say whether or not your drinking is an issue. Only you and those close to you can.
    Aside from that he needs to deal with his issues and not exercise them or take them out on you.

  4. #14
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CountryCat
    Yes, I have. I've gone extended periods of time without but then the day I do.....bam. Well, that day or the day after he makes comments about it.

    I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?
    It can take decades and decades and sometimes never for trauma to leave .

    If it is a deep incompatibility I would call it quits.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    He's overly sensitive to it cause he was surrounded by addiction growing up.

    That stays with a person.

    That said, it doesn't sound like you're compatible and he's wrong imo for trying to control you.

    I most likely would not be able to remain with a person like this, but it's your call.

    Not because I need to drink (I only drink occasionally now anyway) but because what's next?

    Right now it's your drinking but what if down the road, he doesn't approve of something else?

    Is he gonna attempt to squelch that too? Most likely, yes.

    Just me but no thanks, buh bye.
    That's it exactly!!!!! What next? Because other than this, I do what I want whenever and he's fine with it. I'm 90% of the time home anyway by choice. I dont like people much.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    At the same time watching the horrors of addiction you really donít want to see more of it.
    I understand that. Then what you do is leave, walk away and find someone who doesn't drink or drinks less.

    Not attempt to control, or change your partner to soothe your own anxieties about it.

    That's just wrong imo.

    And like I said, even if OP were to cut back on her two beers, what's next?

    Guy has got control issues, that's the problem.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CountryCat
    Yes, I have. I've gone extended periods of time without but then the day I do.....bam. Well, that day or the day after he makes comments about it.

    I guess I dont think I should have to give it up completely because the smell brings him back to his childhood. He's 45 not 20. Isn't it time to deal with his demons? Is it wrong that I feel that way?
    What do you say to him when the "bam" happens?

    You've known him since forever, did he not complain about you drinking before you moved in with him?

    Does he go to al-alnon? If not, he probably should. It will help him to cope with what he had to witness growing up. Seems he's yet to put that horror to rest and is taking it into his adulthood.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    I have a real dislike for alcohol. I did grow up surrounded by alcoholism, which hasn't been hurting me emotionally for a long time, but the dislike just stayed. Know many people who want nothing to do with it, without any excuse of " past demons". I just don't like it. I don't like pot either. I don't necessarily think badly of people who enjoy those things, I just choose to not have them in my life.
    It's avoidable, alcohol. Nobody actually needs it, so I don't like feeling pressured to accept it into my life and home. I don't date people who drink regularly, and if a partner started drinking later in the relationship, daily, I can imagine it being a concern.

    Someone may not want to date a smoker.

    It really is just a compatibility issue. It's not fair to say the only reason he could possibly have to reject it is him having some undealt with issues. He has preferences and deal breakers like everyone does.

    If you like it too much to give it up and he hates it enough to keep bringing it up, and neither is looking for a compromise, maybe you're just not the best match.

    I have to add, alcohol or something else, I'd be somewhat concerned about a partner reaching for it daily to unwind. A stressful workday is pretty much the norm, so if someone grabs a crutch to relax after that, daily, I might wonder how they would cope if something more serious was stressing them out. The habit needn't be full blown alcoholism, just the ever present crutch that would bother me.

    He mentions drinking alone after work is worrying him. I can't argue the combination of the crutch and isolation has potential to grow into a problem. People lose control over that, it's not entirely wrong of him to think it might escalate.

    I can see many people not ever batting an eyelid at this though.

    If I were you I'd give myself a week or two to think about two things. If maybe I'm developing an unhealthy coping mechanism, and if I wanted to be will someone who can't accept my beer or two and for whom I don't want to give them up because I enjoy them.

    Also, what do you mean BAM happens? Like some kind of a low key binge where you drink a few every day for weeks and then not?
    Last edited by RainyCoast; 04-24-2019 at 06:41 PM.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You've been a couple for a lot of years now. How long have you been in logger heads about this issue and what do you two plan to do about ending it? What resolutions/compromises have you BOTH come up with that the two of you can live with without it being a bone of contention?

    ... and again, I think he'd do well to start going to al-anon meetings.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CountryCat
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3, and we've known each other since..... forever practically. He grew up in a home full of drug addiction and alcoholism. (Oh, and we are in our 40's)

    The other day he called me an alcoholic for the 3rd or 4th time because I enjoy having a beer or 2 after my long day. He says because I drink alone, (I get out of work at 2:30, he won't be home until after 6) I have a problem. He says if I drank socially or with him it's ok. (He will have a beer now and then, not often) However, this passed new years eve when he was dj'ing for the event (so he wasn't drinking) I had a few beers (4 to be exact) with a couple friends of ours. The next night out at dinner he made a comment about it. He actually kept tabs on his much I had.

    Anyway, I have a beer or two 5 days a week. How is that different from the person that has a glass of wine while cooking dinner, with dinner, and after dinner? The guys that hit the bar for a pop or two before heading home? I am home when I do this not at a bar somewhere. Am I in the wrong here? Does that really make me an alcoholic? I tired of hearing it and it causing a problem in an otherwise good relationship. I just don't know if it's me or if it's his childhood that's causing the problem.
    I don't see anything particularly offensive about your talk here but you seem to be a bit edgy about the term 'alcoholic' and I don't blame you because it's a loaded word. I think both of you need to tone down your communications and watch the vocabulary because that term is quite heavy and antagonizing. If he hopes to open up any kind of constructive criticism, it's not useful throwing that term around. If anything he sounds very jealous that you get off work early and is coming across as exceedingly whiny and childish.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him to stop using that word or throwing that word around as it is counterproductive at accomplishing anything and not helpful in understanding each other. You should also explain to him that micromanaging you is offensive and unnecessary. If he has something to say, speak about it as two adults. I really don't give a flying - whether he grew up with alcoholism or addiction issues in his family. He's adult enough now and should have enough distance from his childhood to know how to conduct himself in a relationship where there's mutual respect. It takes two to tango.

    Be as neutral as you can and also be assertive that put downs and loaded words or accusations are not tolerated. You are open to discussing any issues with him. See what he says and go from there. He may have nothing at all to say to you after that.

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