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Thread: Do I check up on him?

  1. #1
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    Do I check up on him?

    5 weeks ago I met a musician at a bar. We connected immediately and he asked me out for coffee. Que 4 or 5 very very good dates, we got to know eachother very well as we are both very chatty and open. We kissed very soon and I began staying at his place. After around 2 weeks he said "its fast. Its scary. But Ive seen you lots and I really, really like you..I..I told my friends and family about you and I..i can just see this going somewhere". I too felt intensely attracted, connected and very comfortable with him so went along with it until one night he asked me if i wanted to have sex (Im very closed with sex and want to be very confident that whoever Im doing it with is gonna be sticking around) and he told me "Come on...take your clothes off..I want to feel your skin against mine". His intentions were normal for how affectionate we've been but I freaked a little telling him I felt like it was still too soon for me....He was fine and we had a nice evening. I went to university the next morning after staying at his place (Im a postgraduate student who has finished lectures but has big submissions until september) and woke up in an anxious state. I suddenly realised how much Id been slipping in my grades, friendships and health (we didnt cook sometimes as we'd go to his gigs and get fed there or get take out..) and...my stupid flimsy mind went into overdrive and I had this horrible sense of "what am I doing? Im not ready for a relationship yet..I need to sort myself out before I intrude in someones life".
    I didnt mention it to him but kissed him goodbye as we parted ways. Two days later...we met..had a nice afternoon but I felt a horrible sense of doom and I saw him on his FB account and on it said "In a relationship" but it was on lock (so that only he could see it) and he told me he was humiliated but that he felt we were more or less in a relationship and that he was gonna ask me soon if we wanted to put it online.
    He then goes on to tell me he planned to introduce me to all of his friends that night and I again went into my stupid socially anxious state and told him "I...I dont know about this. I dont know if I want a relationship. I dont know if Im ready to be official after 10 days. I...I need to sort my head out, im sorry". He was chill and understanding but told me he wasnt willing to mess up my grades and that it sounded like I needed some time out to think things through. I went home and he messaged me quite offhandedly all night with stuff like "So what are we? are we over? is this it?" I told him to not rush me as I needed a bit more time and he once again said "But when will you know? when?" ..at this point i was ticked off ; he wasnt giving me time to pinpoint my feelings and it seemed as though he was only interested if this was gonna be an official relationship. He then gets a little drunk (Understandably) and down the phone says "Im so confused, this came outta nowhere and Ive not done ANYTHING wrong." I go on to apologise about how I tend to overthink eeeeverything in relationships and that I just needed a day or two to gather my thoughts but he then said "Im sorry if Im pissed off but WHY is it always me who is never with anyone? WHY do I always end up alone?! why!" <-- this question answered alot of HIS questions. He began blaming me for HIS past and how he messed up lots of situations. We began getting a tad heated and I said "Honestly..we arent even a couple and we're fighting, its probably best this goes nowhere. Im sorry. Im sorry for rushing into this. I cant do this..". He calmly said goodbye then the next night Whatsapped me "Im sorry. About the phonecall. About the hastiness. Its been a long time since I met someone I really connected with. Im willing to give you more space and do ANYTHING but I really dont want this to end, what do you think? ..I told him I felt very uneasy but that my head was stir fried and that I DEFINTIELY wasnt ready for any commitment after that night.

    We went from consistent phonecalls, meet ups, messaging to absolutely nothing. He treated me well , looked after me and was a gentleman and I've been reflecting over the past 10 days on all the good things (I know better not to be fooled by the power of loneliness/boredom so have avoided ANY contact). But I feel pretty grim - I told him everything all of a sudden before he had a gig (when I feel something I HAVE to follow my instinct and be truthful) and I cant get the image out of my head of how we left things. I dont know if I miss him, I was very certain after that call that I didnt ever wanna entertain the thought of us together but obviously he had the right to be upset...Do I message him as not to seem cold? or will it mess with his brain?

  2. #2
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't speak to him again unless you are certain you want serious commitment with this guy. He's looking for someone a bit more grounded and on a different wavelength. The confusing thing about you is that you appear serious (no casual sex) but also scare very easily and completely flipped out on him or took out your failing grades/health commitments on him. That's not a good way to handle stress or other difficulties in life. You still have those big submissions coming up until Sept so until you are very certain you know how to juggle your study life with a relationship, don't bother him again. Imagine if you can't handle a relationship or even a friendship and you treat him badly again or end up in some shouting match. You probably won't feel too good about yourself then. Quit while you're ahead and don't look back. Let the dust settle at least and make sure you have your life sorted out first.

  3. #3
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    Perosnally i would only message him if you are interested in maybe talking things through. If it's definitely ended for you i would leave it as is.

    I think it all moved a bit fast on both sides but his reaction is a little over the top but i guess he thought you felt the same way so i guess he got anxious but if he acts like this now after a few weeks what could he be like down the line? Not saying hes a bad guy but something here i can't quite put my finger on. Things should happen naturally i guess and this didn't pan out that way through no ones fault.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I see both sides. Everyone has their own timeline and pace. At 10 days in and public statement confirming it would spook me too.
    He may be looking for a commitment but at the same time he should respect her pace and adjust his own expectation just a little.
    It's been 10 days, not 6 months.
    I am very much like her. I would need some space to move in and out and to adjust into it slowly. Him wanting to lock it down in such a short time would cause me to back up too.

    They basically do not know each other.

    It remains to be seen if she could have this discussion with him. He may adjust and may do so willingly, if he's that interested.

    But there are times that it's just best to step back, evaluate someones behavior in the early stages and make your decision based on what you see. Sometimes asking someone to not do something that comes naturally for them, causes them to hide it for a time, only for it bubble back up at a later date.

    That's what dating is for. Evaluation.

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  6. #5
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    I appreciate the honest but nice responses - whats confusing me is why hes on my mind so much. Youre both right though, I've clearly got issues which need fixing. I also told him he had the right to be upset after I stopped things so suddenly. I cant stop thinking if hes thinking of me ..ugh

  7. #6
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    Way too much in such a short period! Too many dates, and moving way too fast.

    Slow your roll, next time. And, do not reach out/respond to him again.

    Deal with your commitment issues and emotional unavailability. It is not fair to others. Do not be such a mindfu$k!

  8. #7
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's normal.. but I think you do owe it to yourself to focus on your submissions and give it time to settle. You can apologize to him if you want to get it off your chest but it's best not to expect anything in return. I don't really think you owe him an apology either to be very honest. He did put you in an awkward position pressuring you to take off your clothes or have sex. That's not acceptable, by the way. Even if you both were drunk, I wouldn't put myself in that position again if I put myself in your place. Why would you trust someone to see eye to eye with you after that?

    If he wants to date you or be 'in a relationship', he should act like it and take you out. It shouldn't be a series of drunk episodes or offhanded texts or have any of that grungy fwb/dramatic type of feel. He doesn't treat you well even when you are seeing each other (not in my books, anyway).

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    The guy sounds pretty needy and insecure... given how quickly things were moving I think you were right to be concerned and also right to be honest with him about how you were feeling.

    It will indeed mess with his brain if you message him. You need to let him process his feelings around this and you need to process yours.

    For your side of this, It seems like you need more self-awareness when it comes to managing your time and your emotions so you can date and still keep up with the rest of your life... either that or accept that you don't have time for a relationship right now and opt out until you do.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jalapeno1234
    I appreciate the honest but nice responses - whats confusing me is why hes on my mind so much. Youre both right though, I've clearly got issues which need fixing. I also told him he had the right to be upset after I stopped things so suddenly. I cant stop thinking if hes thinking of me ..ugh
    It's of no surprise. You like the guy. You just want to get to know him better first and not have him fast track you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    So I remember some of your posts jalapeŮo... you stood out to me because your posts were always... different, they indicated, to me, some sort of issues with anxiety and severe overthinking so you doing all this seems completely something youíd do and probably have done before. I also donít think itís fair to him, not so say he wasnít moving super fast, he was but this freakout instead of just communicating wasnít fair to him, leave the poor guy alone, leave all men alone actually. Be clear about your mindset, itís unfair to portray yourself as even keeled when you know full well how your mind works... right now you donít seem ready for a relationship at all so donít pursue men as if you are, itís not fair...right now you know nothing has changed with you so you reaching out is to soothe your ego, leave it alone. Itís drama for dramas sake. Itís been days...

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