Do I check up on him?

5 weeks ago I met a musician at a bar. We connected immediately and he asked me out for coffee. Que 4 or 5 very very good dates, we got to know eachother very well as we are both very chatty and open. We kissed very soon and I began staying at his place. After around 2 weeks he said "its fast. Its scary. But Ive seen you lots and I really, really like you..I..I told my friends and family about you and I..i can just see this going somewhere". I too felt intensely attracted, connected and very comfortable with him so went along with it until one night he asked me if i wanted to have sex (Im very closed with sex and want to be very confident that whoever Im doing it with is gonna be sticking around) and he told me "Come on...take your clothes off..I want to feel your skin against mine". His intentions were normal for how affectionate we've been but I freaked a little telling him I felt like it was still too soon for me....He was fine and we had a nice evening. I went to university the next morning after staying at his place (Im a postgraduate student who has finished lectures but has big submissions until september) and woke up in an anxious state. I suddenly realised how much Id been slipping in my grades, friendships and health (we didnt cook sometimes as we'd go to his gigs and get fed there or get take out..) and...my stupid flimsy mind went into overdrive and I had this horrible sense of "what am I doing? Im not ready for a relationship yet..I need to sort myself out before I intrude in someones life".

I didnt mention it to him but kissed him goodbye as we parted ways. Two days later...we met..had a nice afternoon but I felt a horrible sense of doom and I saw him on his FB account and on it said "In a relationship" but it was on lock (so that only he could see it) and he told me he was humiliated but that he felt we were more or less in a relationship and that he was gonna ask me soon if we wanted to put it online.

He then goes on to tell me he planned to introduce me to all of his friends that night and I again went into my stupid socially anxious state and told him "I...I dont know about this. I dont know if I want a relationship. I dont know if Im ready to be official after 10 days. I...I need to sort my head out, im sorry". He was chill and understanding but told me he wasnt willing to mess up my grades and that it sounded like I needed some time out to think things through. I went home and he messaged me quite offhandedly all night with stuff like "So what are we? are we over? is this it?" I told him to not rush me as I needed a bit more time and he once again said "But when will you know? when?" ..at this point i was ticked off ; he wasnt giving me time to pinpoint my feelings and it seemed as though he was only interested if this was gonna be an official relationship. He then gets a little drunk (Understandably) and down the phone says "Im so confused, this came outta nowhere and Ive not done ANYTHING wrong." I go on to apologise about how I tend to overthink eeeeverything in relationships and that I just needed a day or two to gather my thoughts but he then said "Im sorry if Im pissed off but WHY is it always me who is never with anyone? WHY do I always end up alone?! why!"

We went from consistent phonecalls, meet ups, messaging to absolutely nothing. He treated me well , looked after me and was a gentleman and I've been reflecting over the past 10 days on all the good things (I know better not to be fooled by the power of loneliness/boredom so have avoided ANY contact). But I feel pretty grim - I told him everything all of a sudden before he had a gig (when I feel something I HAVE to follow my instinct and be truthful) and I cant get the image out of my head of how we left things. I dont know if I miss him, I was very certain after that call that I didnt ever wanna entertain the thought of us together but obviously he had the right to be upset...Do I message him as not to seem cold? or will it mess with his brain?

Don't speak to him again unless you are certain you want serious commitment with this guy. He's looking for someone a bit more grounded and on a different wavelength. The confusing thing about you is that you appear serious (no casual sex) but also scare very easily and completely flipped out on him or took out your failing grades/health commitments on him. That's not a good way to handle stress or other difficulties in life. You still have those big submissions coming up until Sept so until you are very certain you know how to juggle your study life with a relationship, don't bother him again. Imagine if you can't handle a relationship or even a friendship and you treat him badly again or end up in some shouting match. You probably won't feel too good about yourself then. Quit while you're ahead and don't look back. Let the dust settle at least and make sure you have your life sorted out first.

Perosnally i would only message him if you are interested in maybe talking things through. If it's definitely ended for you i would leave it as is.

I think it all moved a bit fast on both sides but his reaction is a little over the top but i guess he thought you felt the same way so i guess he got anxious but if he acts like this now after a few weeks what could he be like down the line? Not saying hes a bad guy but something here i can't quite put my finger on. Things should happen naturally i guess and this didn't pan out that way through no ones fault.

I see both sides. Everyone has their own timeline and pace. At 10 days in and public statement confirming it would spook me too.

He may be looking for a commitment but at the same time he should respect her pace and adjust his own expectation just a little.

It's been 10 days, not 6 months.

I am very much like her. I would need some space to move in and out and to adjust into it slowly. Him wanting to lock it down in such a short time would cause me to back up too.

They basically do not know each other.

It remains to be seen if she could have this discussion with him. He may adjust and may do so willingly, if he's that interested.

But there are times that it's just best to step back, evaluate someones behavior in the early stages and make your decision based on what you see. Sometimes asking someone to not do something that comes naturally for them, causes them to hide it for a time, only for it bubble back up at a later date.

That's what dating is for. Evaluation.

I appreciate the honest but nice responses - whats confusing me is why hes on my mind so much. Youre both right though, I've clearly got issues which need fixing. I also told him he had the right to be upset after I stopped things so suddenly. I cant stop thinking if hes thinking of me ..ugh

Way too much in such a short period! Too many dates, and moving way too fast.

Slow your roll, next time. And, do not reach out/respond to him again.

Deal with your commitment issues and emotional unavailability. It is not fair to others. Do not be such a mindfu$k!

It's normal.. but I think you do owe it to yourself to focus on your submissions and give it time to settle. You can apologize to him if you want to get it off your chest but it's best not to expect anything in return. I don't really think you owe him an apology either to be very honest. He did put you in an awkward position pressuring you to take off your clothes or have sex. That's not acceptable, by the way. Even if you both were drunk, I wouldn't put myself in that position again if I put myself in your place. Why would you trust someone to see eye to eye with you after that?

If he wants to date you or be 'in a relationship', he should act like it and take you out. It shouldn't be a series of drunk episodes or offhanded texts or have any of that grungy fwb/dramatic type of feel. He doesn't treat you well even when you are seeing each other (not in my books, anyway).

The guy sounds pretty needy and insecure... given how quickly things were moving I think you were right to be concerned and also right to be honest with him about how you were feeling.

It will indeed mess with his brain if you message him. You need to let him process his feelings around this and you need to process yours.

For your side of this, It seems like you need more self-awareness when it comes to managing your time and your emotions so you can date and still keep up with the rest of your life... either that or accept that you don't have time for a relationship right now and opt out until you do.

I appreciate the honest but nice responses - whats confusing me is why hes on my mind so much. Youre both right though, I've clearly got issues which need fixing. I also told him he had the right to be upset after I stopped things so suddenly. I cant stop thinking if hes thinking of me ..ugh

It's of no surprise. You like the guy. You just want to get to know him better first and not have him fast track you.

So I remember some of your posts jalapeño... you stood out to me because your posts were always... different, they indicated, to me, some sort of issues with anxiety and severe overthinking so you doing all this seems completely something you’d do and probably have done before. I also don’t think it’s fair to him, not so say he wasn’t moving super fast, he was but this freakout instead of just communicating wasn’t fair to him, leave the poor guy alone, leave all men alone actually. Be clear about your mindset, it’s unfair to portray yourself as even keeled when you know full well how your mind works... right now you don’t seem ready for a relationship at all so don’t pursue men as if you are, it’s not fair...right now you know nothing has changed with you so you reaching out is to soothe your ego, leave it alone. It’s drama for dramas sake. It’s been days...

I also don’t think it’s fair to him, not so say he wasn’t moving super fast, he was but this freakout instead of just communicating wasn’t fair to him, leave the poor guy alone, leave all men alone actually. Be clear about your mindset, it’s unfair to portray yourself as even keeled when you know full well how your mind works... right now you don’t seem ready for a relationship at all so don’t pursue men as if you are, it’s not fair...right now you know nothing has changed with you so you reaching out is to soothe your ego, leave it alone. It’s drama for dramas sake. It’s been days...

I appreciate your response figureitout and don't doubt any of what you said EXCEPT for the fact that I DID communicate to him - shortly after I sat for an hour speaking of wanting solitude to focus on my 7k course I'm on , I explained to him that we had four dates within one week and that he was eager to call it official after barely 2 weeks - I told him I wasn't gonna speed into sex as I had a pregnancy scare years ago whilst living under the roof of two conservative parents - if thats not good communication (face to face!) then I don't know what is..if theres anything I wanted to be in this its 100% transparent.

I appreciate your thoughts though and yep - though I've grown in my anxiety this year, it still is an issue I need to deal with.

Only do what you are comfortable with. If you are not ready for sex or dating or relationships, then don't do it. You don't need elaborate explanations or excuses. However stop telling anything and everything to guys you just met especially you are overloading emotionally and not focus on dating, but your anxieties. Next time take your time getting to know each other and save all the angst and emotion overload for your therapist. Avoid the TMI.

I told him I wasn't gonna speed into sex as I had a pregnancy scare years ago whilst living under the roof of two conservative parents

I appreciate your response figureitout and don't doubt any of what you said EXCEPT for the fact that I DID communicate to him - shortly after I sat for an hour speaking of wanting solitude to focus on my 7k course I'm on , I explained to him that we had four dates within one week and that he was eager to call it official after barely 2 weeks - I told him I wasn't gonna speed into sex as I had a pregnancy scare years ago whilst living under the roof of two conservative parents - if thats not good communication (face to face!) then I don't know what is..if theres anything I wanted to be in this its 100% transparent.

 

I appreciate your thoughts though and yep - though I've grown in my anxiety this year, it still is an issue I need to deal with.

It's totally fair to be overwhelmed with that pace. Just keep in mind that you agreed to those dates. I think in the beginning, once a week is a good pace for dates. Twice tops if things are heating up quickly. There doesn't have to be a specific timeline to becoming official, but your instincts are correct that two weeks is too soon.

There's some old wisdom about fires burning too bright and quickly going out, or something like that. Intensity can't replace true intimacy, which takes time to build. Let this one go and and hold back a bit more with the next one.

I appreciate your response figureitout and don't doubt any of what you said EXCEPT for the fact that I DID communicate to him - shortly after I sat for an hour speaking of wanting solitude to focus on my 7k course I'm on , I explained to him that we had four dates within one week and that he was eager to call it official after barely 2 weeks - I told him I wasn't gonna speed into sex as I had a pregnancy scare years ago whilst living under the roof of two conservative parents - if thats not good communication (face to face!) then I don't know what is..if theres anything I wanted to be in this its 100% transparent.

 

I appreciate your thoughts though and yep - though I've grown in my anxiety this year, it still is an issue I need to deal with.

But that’s completely different from what you stated in your original post...

5 After around 2 weeks he said "its fast. Its scary. But Ive seen you lots and I really, really like you..I..I told my friends and family about you and I..i can just see this going somewhere". I too felt intensely attracted, connected and very comfortable with him so went along with it until one night he asked me if i wanted to have sex (Im very closed with sex and want to be very confident that whoever Im doing it with is gonna be sticking around) and he told me "Come on...take your clothes off..I want to feel your skin against mine". His intentions were normal for how affectionate we've been but I freaked a little telling him I felt like it was still too soon for me....He was fine and we had a nice evening. I went to university the next morning after staying at his place (Im a postgraduate student who has finished lectures but has big submissions until september) and woke up in an anxious state. I suddenly realised how much Id been slipping in my grades, friendships and health (we didnt cook sometimes as we'd go to his gigs and get fed there or get take out..) and...my stupid flimsy mind went into overdrive and I had this horrible sense of "what am I doing? Im not ready for a relationship yet..I need to sort myself out before I intrude in someones life. I didnt mention it to him but kissed him goodbye as we parted ways.

Your exact words were “I didn’t mention it to him” you said it freaked you out that he changed his Facebook status privately, it wasn’t even public anxiety inducing for sure, but you not only went along with it up till that point staying at his house and everything but you then describe your reaction as a ‘stupid socially anxious state.’

So I’m not really sure how you expected me to take what you origninally wrote except to ignore it all and blame him for your anxiety.

Sorry, you’re playing games. You have serious anxiety and paranoia to face and it’s completely unfair for you to date right now. I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say that it was sex that triggered your flight response. That mans going to go through heartache now. Is some of it self induced? absolutely but you played a role you knew you weren’t capable of filling and that isn’t fair.

Stop.

I have not read OP's past threads but based on this one, this guy was way WAY beyond needy and insecure, and his immediate and demanding insistence for a committed relationship after only TEN days would cause any woman (if she's sane) to become overwhelmed and run for the damn hills.

I do not see this as your typical guy wanting a commitment, my goodness it's been only ten days. This was lovebombing, no question!

His behaviour and words (including, but not limited to, literally pushing you into sex (or attempting to) after you told him it was too soon, was way over the top, controlling and just flat out unacceptable.

And says way more about his anxiety than it does about yours OP..

Your mistake was not leaving after he commanded "come on take your clothes off" after telling him you were not ready yet, too soon.

Talk about disrespecting a boundary, geez.

And no this was not normal under any circumstance!!!

Pushy, demanding, needy, controlling, again all this within ten days!

You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about it, and I don't feel sorry for him at all. He brought all this upon himself by not slowing HIS roll.

Me thinks HE is the one who needs to reflect on his behaviour, no wonder he whines that nothing sticks.

Bullet dodged!

What's interesting about this thread is that there is another poster on this forum who has like a 100 page thread or close to discussing various relationships w men over the years who behave exactly like this guy.

Coming on like gangbusters, pushing for a commitment within days, lovebombing her up the yazoo, etc etc etc.

Unlike OP here, she eats it up like a starved child, going along with their crazy fast agenda until it all blows up and she's left devastated.

Posts on the forum and gets criticized for not seeing the glaring red flags, choosing the wrong guys, being too needy herself, the list goes on.

Here we have a woman, who sure has issues, but reacts much more healthily -- it's too fast, she's not ready for it, needs to dial it back, becomes overwhemed by the pace and sense of urgency. Tells him she's not ready for a commitment after only ten days (rightfully so!) and it ends.

In short she's seeing the glaring red flags and reacts appropriately, and gets criticized by some for that. Fearing commitment, anxiety issues, playing games, among other things.

I don't quite get it but par for the course I suppose.

Nite all. :)

You’re doing it again....

Why? Because I disagree with your assessment of the situation?

Ok then challenge me. Challenge my assessment.

What am I missing? Seriously. I respect your opinion so please do tell.

How is this guy any different from the guys the other poster I referred to gets involved with. For which she gets critiqued for.

Pushing for a commitment within ten days? Really?

Telling her "come on take your clothes off" after she told him she's not ready for sex yet?

What is that?

Anyway, don't really expect you to respond and will leave it as we view the situation differently, as we often do, which is OK.

Opinions are never right or wrong, they're just well -- opinions.

I respect yours, and would appreciate your respecting mine.

Thnx a bunch.

If you respected my opinion you wouldn’t have kept trying to counter it indirectly again without any context...

I could care less if you disagree with me, you’re making it a point to make it known, more than once...

Do you, just maybe leave my posts be, I’ll be sure to do the same...

If you respected my opinion you wouldn’t have kept trying to counter it indirectly again without any context...

 

I could care less if you disagree with me, you’re making it a point to make it known, more than once...

 

Do you, just maybe leave my posts be, I’ll be sure to do the same...

I was just about to ask the same from you.

Fio, yes I disagreed with your opinion, and others, but in no way was my response in direct response to your posts specifically, I had an opinion that was different from the majority and voiced it.

I am not quite sure why you viewed it as an indirect counter to you or your opinion or that I was disrespecting it.

I did not quote you nor mention your name. Nor did I mention any other poster's names.

I'm sorry if I offended you, not my intention at all; again I had/have a different view (from most) and voiced it, that's all.

I was just about to ask the same from you.

 

Fio, yes I disagreed with your opinion, and others, but in no way was my response in direct response to your posts specifically, I had an opinion that was diferent from the majority and voiced it.

 

I Am not quite sure why you viewed it as a direct counter to you or your opinion.

 

I did not quote you nor mention your name. Nor did I mention any other poster's names.

 

Again I have a different view and voiced it, that's all.

Really?

What's interesting about this thread is that there is another poster on this forum who has like a 100 page thread or close to discussing various relationships w men over the years who behave exactly like this guy.

 

Coming on like gangbusters, pushing for a commitment within days, lovebombing her up the yazoo, etc etc etc.

 

Unlike OP here, she eats it up like a starved child, going along with their crazy fast agenda until it all blows up and she's left devastated.

 

Posts on the forum and gets criticized for not seeing the glaring red flags, choosing the wrong guys, being too needy herself, the list goes on.

 

Here we have a woman, who sure has issues, but reacts much more healthily -- it's too fast, she's not ready for it, needs to dial it back, becomes overwhemed by the pace and sense of urgency. Tells him she's not ready for a commitment after only ten days (rightfully so!) and it ends.

 

In short she's seeing the glaring red flags and reacts appropriately, and gets criticized by some for that. Fearing commitment, anxiety issues, playing games, among other things.

 

I don't quite get it but par for the course I suppose.

 

Nite all. :)

Like...come on...

When the first one didn’t get a response you went in even more... you’re like a dog with a bone sometimes with your opinions... which we all are at times... but acting in that manner leaves you open for responses. If you can’t handle that quit criticizing people’s posts... state your opinion and leave it at that...like you’ll notice I did...sheesh...

Ok leaving this one alone.

Again apologies if I offended.

Have a good evening.

If you don't want a relationship or at least want to take time to get to know a guy, then you change your behavior. You don't allow 5 dates in 7 days. You go out for coffee or something low pressure, and you follow it in the next few days with a more official date if coffee goes well. You don't netlix and chill. You don't spend the night. you go on official date #2 - but you schedule out a few days. when you see someone once a week or every 4-5 days, the getting to know you happens at a better pace and you have time to decide gradually if you like that person. at a certain point, you start to see eachother more often. You acted like you were on the same page - seeing this guy 24/7 and he freaked out a little that it was movig too fast and then you freaked out and "needed time" even though speed is what you were also dishing out.

So if you decide not to see this guy again -- when you meet someone new, make them date you - don't be around 24/7 until you decide what you think

Katrina - thank you. You also noted that I have issues, so I know your response wasnt a dig or meant to be in any negative convict toward anyone. Appreciated..I didnt do things right but I know my gut instinct.

Figureitout, you mentioned about me not mentioning it to him but I should have clarified WHEN I mentioned it to him - it was the day I ended things yep...but obviously I wasn't gonna mention it within our 5th or 6th date as I've been out the dating game a while and genuinely thought (and sadly STILL think) that me and him were compatible and that the hastiness was maybe just feeling a certain way about someone you're starting to like. But, I don't wanna be stubborn, I can see how I wasn't 100% clear. I've beat myself up since the day I ended it telling myself I was cold and bitter but I told him it would be 10x worse being with him with all this in my head, hence why I had to open up as he deserved the truth - he thanked me for this.

I don't disagree that I need to work on my anxiety and that I'm selfish for thinking about rearranging my priorities as opposed to focusing on him but after almost 3 weeks of reflection I know there is grey between the lines

I feel like "what goes comes around" is coming around as I literally can't stop thinking of him and will probably witness him happy with someone. But there is something which stops me from typing out a message and I think its instinct