Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 26

Thread: Do I check up on him?

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    Posts
    53
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I also donít think itís fair to him, not so say he wasnít moving super fast, he was but this freakout instead of just communicating wasnít fair to him, leave the poor guy alone, leave all men alone actually. Be clear about your mindset, itís unfair to portray yourself as even keeled when you know full well how your mind works... right now you donít seem ready for a relationship at all so donít pursue men as if you are, itís not fair...right now you know nothing has changed with you so you reaching out is to soothe your ego, leave it alone. Itís drama for dramas sake. Itís been days...
    I appreciate your response figureitout and don't doubt any of what you said EXCEPT for the fact that I DID communicate to him - shortly after I sat for an hour speaking of wanting solitude to focus on my 7k course I'm on , I explained to him that we had four dates within one week and that he was eager to call it official after barely 2 weeks - I told him I wasn't gonna speed into sex as I had a pregnancy scare years ago whilst living under the roof of two conservative parents - if thats not good communication (face to face!) then I don't know what is..if theres anything I wanted to be in this its 100% transparent.

    I appreciate your thoughts though and yep - though I've grown in my anxiety this year, it still is an issue I need to deal with.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,372
    Gender
    Male
    Only do what you are comfortable with. If you are not ready for sex or dating or relationships, then don't do it. You don't need elaborate explanations or excuses. However stop telling anything and everything to guys you just met especially you are overloading emotionally and not focus on dating, but your anxieties. Next time take your time getting to know each other and save all the angst and emotion overload for your therapist. Avoid the TMI.
    Originally Posted by Jalapeno1234
    I told him I wasn't gonna speed into sex as I had a pregnancy scare years ago whilst living under the roof of two conservative parents

  3. #13
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    976
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Jalapeno1234
    I appreciate your response figureitout and don't doubt any of what you said EXCEPT for the fact that I DID communicate to him - shortly after I sat for an hour speaking of wanting solitude to focus on my 7k course I'm on , I explained to him that we had four dates within one week and that he was eager to call it official after barely 2 weeks - I told him I wasn't gonna speed into sex as I had a pregnancy scare years ago whilst living under the roof of two conservative parents - if thats not good communication (face to face!) then I don't know what is..if theres anything I wanted to be in this its 100% transparent.

    I appreciate your thoughts though and yep - though I've grown in my anxiety this year, it still is an issue I need to deal with.
    It's totally fair to be overwhelmed with that pace. Just keep in mind that you agreed to those dates. I think in the beginning, once a week is a good pace for dates. Twice tops if things are heating up quickly. There doesn't have to be a specific timeline to becoming official, but your instincts are correct that two weeks is too soon.

    There's some old wisdom about fires burning too bright and quickly going out, or something like that. Intensity can't replace true intimacy, which takes time to build. Let this one go and and hold back a bit more with the next one.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    3,992
    Originally Posted by Jalapeno1234
    I appreciate your response figureitout and don't doubt any of what you said EXCEPT for the fact that I DID communicate to him - shortly after I sat for an hour speaking of wanting solitude to focus on my 7k course I'm on , I explained to him that we had four dates within one week and that he was eager to call it official after barely 2 weeks - I told him I wasn't gonna speed into sex as I had a pregnancy scare years ago whilst living under the roof of two conservative parents - if thats not good communication (face to face!) then I don't know what is..if theres anything I wanted to be in this its 100% transparent.

    I appreciate your thoughts though and yep - though I've grown in my anxiety this year, it still is an issue I need to deal with.
    But thatís completely different from what you stated in your original post...

    Originally Posted by Jalapeno1234
    5 After around 2 weeks he said "its fast. Its scary. But Ive seen you lots and I really, really like you..I..I told my friends and family about you and I..i can just see this going somewhere". I too felt intensely attracted, connected and very comfortable with him so went along with it until one night he asked me if i wanted to have sex (Im very closed with sex and want to be very confident that whoever Im doing it with is gonna be sticking around) and he told me "Come on...take your clothes off..I want to feel your skin against mine". His intentions were normal for how affectionate we've been but I freaked a little telling him I felt like it was still too soon for me....He was fine and we had a nice evening. I went to university the next morning after staying at his place (Im a postgraduate student who has finished lectures but has big submissions until september) and woke up in an anxious state. I suddenly realised how much Id been slipping in my grades, friendships and health (we didnt cook sometimes as we'd go to his gigs and get fed there or get take out..) and...my stupid flimsy mind went into overdrive and I had this horrible sense of "what am I doing? Im not ready for a relationship yet..I need to sort myself out before I intrude in someones life. I didnt mention it to him but kissed him goodbye as we parted ways.
    Your exact words were ďI didnít mention it to himĒ you said it freaked you out that he changed his Facebook status privately, it wasnít even public anxiety inducing for sure, but you not only went along with it up till that point staying at his house and everything but you then describe your reaction as a Ďstupid socially anxious state.í

    So Iím not really sure how you expected me to take what you origninally wrote except to ignore it all and blame him for your anxiety.

    Sorry, youíre playing games. You have serious anxiety and paranoia to face and itís completely unfair for you to date right now. Iím going to take a stab in the dark and say that it was sex that triggered your flight response. That mans going to go through heartache now. Is some of it self induced? absolutely but you played a role you knew you werenít capable of filling and that isnít fair.

    Stop.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    8,674
    I have not read OP's past threads but based on this one, this guy was way WAY beyond needy and insecure, and his immediate and demanding insistence for a committed relationship after only TEN days would cause any woman (if she's sane) to become overwhelmed and run for the damn hills.

    I do not see this as your typical guy wanting a commitment, my goodness it's been only ten days. This was lovebombing, no question!

    His behaviour and words (including, but not limited to, literally pushing you into sex (or attempting to) after you told him it was too soon, was way over the top, controlling and just flat out unacceptable.

    And says way more about his anxiety than it does about yours OP..

    Your mistake was not leaving after he commanded "come on take your clothes off" after telling him you were not ready yet, too soon.

    Talk about disrespecting a boundary, geez.

    And no this was not normal under any circumstance!!!

    Pushy, demanding, needy, controlling, again all this within ten days!

    You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about it, and I don't feel sorry for him at all. He brought all this upon himself by not slowing HIS roll.

    Me thinks HE is the one who needs to reflect on his behaviour, no wonder he whines that nothing sticks.

    Bullet dodged!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-25-2019 at 08:08 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    8,674
    What's interesting about this thread is that there is another poster on this forum who has like a 100 page thread or close to discussing various relationships w men over the years who behave exactly like this guy.

    Coming on like gangbusters, pushing for a commitment within days, lovebombing her up the yazoo, etc etc etc.

    Unlike OP here, she eats it up like a starved child, going along with their crazy fast agenda until it all blows up and she's left devastated.

    Posts on the forum and gets criticized for not seeing the glaring red flags, choosing the wrong guys, being too needy herself, the list goes on.

    Here we have a woman, who sure has issues, but reacts much more healthily -- it's too fast, she's not ready for it, needs to dial it back, becomes overwhemed by the pace and sense of urgency. Tells him she's not ready for a commitment after only ten days (rightfully so!) and it ends.

    In short she's seeing the glaring red flags and reacts appropriately, and gets criticized by some for that. Fearing commitment, anxiety issues, playing games, among other things.

    I don't quite get it but par for the course I suppose.

    Nite all. :)
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-25-2019 at 09:04 PM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    3,992
    Youíre doing it again....

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    8,674
    Why? Because I disagree with your assessment of the situation?

    Ok then challenge me. Challenge my assessment.

    What am I missing? Seriously. I respect your opinion so please do tell.

    How is this guy any different from the guys the other poster I referred to gets involved with. For which she gets critiqued for.

    Pushing for a commitment within ten days? Really?

    Telling her "come on take your clothes off" after she told him she's not ready for sex yet?

    What is that?

    Anyway, don't really expect you to respond and will leave it as we view the situation differently, as we often do, which is OK.

    Opinions are never right or wrong, they're just well -- opinions.

    I respect yours, and would appreciate your respecting mine.

    Thnx a bunch.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    3,992
    If you respected my opinion you wouldnít have kept trying to counter it indirectly again without any context...

    I could care less if you disagree with me, youíre making it a point to make it known, more than once...

    Do you, just maybe leave my posts be, Iíll be sure to do the same...

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    8,674
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    If you respected my opinion you wouldnít have kept trying to counter it indirectly again without any context...

    I could care less if you disagree with me, youíre making it a point to make it known, more than once...

    Do you, just maybe leave my posts be, Iíll be sure to do the same...
    I was just about to ask the same from you.

    Fio, yes I disagreed with your opinion, and others, but in no way was my response in direct response to your posts specifically, I had an opinion that was different from the majority and voiced it.

    I am not quite sure why you viewed it as an indirect counter to you or your opinion or that I was disrespecting it.

    I did not quote you nor mention your name. Nor did I mention any other poster's names.

    I'm sorry if I offended you, not my intention at all; again I had/have a different view (from most) and voiced it, that's all.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-25-2019 at 09:54 PM.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •