Bjjbob

New to the site. Need advice on what to do regarding my fiance. I love her, but, I've been married before and I don't want to make another mistake. We've been together for about four years. And are supposed to be married in August. There are several issues. Our sex life used to be amazing even doing things like going to sex clubs. We didn't swing or do anything like that but it was a very very active sex life. Now it's maybe once a month and only if she is drunk; we don't even kiss. I take care of the house pretty much 100%, grocery shop, cook, etc.

I work IT from home and she is an RN working overnights. Giving us about an hour or two every day to we see each other and about 3 hours on her days off. My son,who has special needs, lives with us full-time for about the past year. And my daughter only on the weekends. She gets along really well with my daughter. She doesn't really relate to my son but they get along very well anyway, they just don't really talk much. But they love her too and that is obviously very important to me.

According to her this has been going on for about a year, because that is when my son started living full time with us. According to me it has been about 2 years going back to the roughest time of school followed by working overnights. I have tried to talk to her, tell her how I feel more like roomates that help pay bills and hang out once and a while. Her answer is always evasive and usually shut down any conversation. The reasons I have to stay together: I do love her and don't want to hurt her (I don't think she could handle us not being together) we do work well enough as roommates (ie bills), I have given up on traditional relationships and relying on them as a source of fulfillment (don't want to even look for another relationship again),and her and my daughter's relationship which is so necessary for my daughter's mental well being.

It all boils down to am I able to sign on the dotted line and have this be the rest of my life? Sorry so long of a post.

Then don't.

At the very least postpone the marriage until you get the bottom of the discontent.

I wouldn't get married based on what you just shared. If you do you are basically agreeing to these terms.

Have you considered couples counseling?

If you marry her feeling like you do, the marriage is doomed. Either try counseling, talk a lot more, a combo of those things, or give it up. You arent really a happy guy and there's no reason to think things will get better if you marry her.

Your arrangement may be a sound basis for a number of things, but marriage isn't one of them. Don't do it.

I think you're having an anxiety attack. I don't blame you if you've been married once before but listen to yourself for a second: you're basing a lot of your resentment due to your sex life which is a bit one-sided. Yes, sex is important but it doesn't mean you bail if there's not enough sex for a period of time. If your son does have requirements in terms of special needs you need to do more juggling and less scapegoating. She's an RN and this means she works shifts, sometimes overnight shifts. Your schedules are opposite and you have certain commitments. If you're not able to handle your son on your own I'm sure there is help for that and maybe you should not be taking on more than you can handle or stretch yourself so thin.

I'm not certain how useful your talk with her was because it comes across like you're complaining a lot without offering solutions. She doesn't deserve a failed relationship any more than you do. I think you both should try to communicate more effectively and break each other down less. Handle your commitments better and look at help if you need help managing the house or helping with your son.

Our sex life used to be amazing even doing things like going to sex clubs. We didn't swing or do anything like that but it was a very very active sex life. Now it's maybe once a month and only if she is drunk; we don't even kiss.

...is the first thing you mentioned, so I'm going to start there.

What do you think led to the decline in sex life? It's normal to tone down over the years, but not even kissing? Not even a good morning, good bye kiss.

I'd hate to put this thought in your head, but do you think she is getting her needs met elsewhere?

I'd suggest putting the breaks on the marriage, for now. Much better now then the mess that divorce brings.

I would postpone the wedding and try counselling together.

Is she a caregiver to your son when she is home? Do you not have intimate time partly because he is very needy - no time alone? Does the child's mother ever take him so you can have a few days together to yourself?

Do you have unreasonable expectations of her (ie, things were spicey when you went to sex clubs and now that you are not you have an unreasonable expectation of sex?

Since you work from home, can you not take one day off when she has day off and ship the son off to his mother's or have a caregiver come in so you can do something together?

btw if she works a 12 hour overnight shift and you work from home - yes you should be taking care of the house more and picking up after you kids as well or have the kids pitch in. Your daughter certainly is able to do so

I want to try to respond to all of your responses from everyone so far in one. So regarding if I'm home all day yes I have no problems cleaning up up until about four days ago I was working another full-time job since I've met her she has done dishes twice maybe, and organize the kitchen once. That is it. The rest has always been on me. Guess I get resentful but that's not the main thing. As far as sending my son to his mother's I leave that to him and her to figure out. He's 19 and she is got many illnesses. In addition I have never felt comfortable with him in her care do two things in the past that she has done which is endangered his life. Also although she is not intentionally negligent her issues always leave him in a less-than-ideal States. I have try to talk to her about how I feel and I am left feeling guilty for wanting more out of our relationship and I immediately realized there's no point I'm trying to talk to her about it because it's written off and shove it under the rug. My main question is we are friends. I have given up on the idea have other relationships therefore should I just resigned myself to this is life. she has certain issues that I knew about and I'm not trying to change that. I do strongly believe not only is it not going to ever get better but once we're married, in my experience, that leads to Rapid and extreme decline. So my question is if you were in my shoes would you try to move forward with less struggle hopefully and with a friend or more struggle probably but alone?

Also sorry about the horrible grammar. I'm using speech to text, and I must mumble a lot.

I have try to talk to her about how I feel and I am left feeling guilty for wanting more out of our relationship and I immediately realized there's no point I'm trying to talk to her about it because it's written off and shove it under the rug.

This speaks to me. You do not have to live this way if you feel that it is so painful and immensely lonely. I can feel from your words that you are in a lot of pain and loneliness. A partner who loves and cares for you does not make you feel guilty for voicing your concerns. If you are sincerely expressing how you feel or what you think and your wife is making you feel worse for feeling that way, this is not a healthy relationship. She's disregarded you for awhile and doesn't respect you. I definitely hope you both rebuild that love and respect. I don't know if you are able to do it together alone or with couples' therapy/counselling. You should know what's going on with each other and why this marriage is so emotionally dysfunctional.

Have you ever tried a differet tactic? instead of asking about sex, actually take her out on a date. make yourself available on your day off and do so? (don't ask for sex then, either, but having one on one time as a couple can help) Also, i get that its up to your son to spend time with mom, but is there anyone else, like your parents he can spend time with so you get time alone? Did you used to buy her flowers but don't anymore? Give "dating" a try for awhile to reconnect before throwing in the towel.

So my question is if you were in my shoes would you try to move forward with less struggle hopefully and with a friend or more struggle probably but alone?

I think everyone has unanimously agreed that we wouldn't move forward with this.

Interesting the choice of words you use. As if being single equates to struggling and being alone. It suggests you feel you are picking the better of two evils.

Being single is a healthy option. You need to rethink your view on this when it comes to making this decision.

I think everyone has unanimously agreed that we wouldn't move forward with this.

Indeed.

Many people in the engaged period go through these trials...and for good reason.

OP, I know this really sucks. You've already gone through the motions of this.

If you have already sent out the invitations, don't worry about letting your family and friends down. Just let them know that you are "postponing" the wedding.

You can tell your loved ones and closest friends that you are re-evaluating your decision to marry. They will respect that.

Everyone would agree that it's better to hear of you being real with your heart than announcing a divorce AFTER the wedding.

Thank you all. I think I just needed to hear it from someone beside myself.

She sounds burned out. You need to arrange more time for your son with his mother, family, friends, sitters, activities, etc. You need take more active role with him and give her a break. You know when the problems began and what they are. Do not marry based on having her as a full time live in nanny. It's not fair to anyone. Roommates? Sounds like the perfect seeds for cheating along with the estrangement. Why marry when it's doomed to fail?

She sounds burned out. You need to arrange more time for your son with his mother, family, friends, sitters, activities, etc. You need take more active role with him and give her a break. You know when the problems began and what they are. Do not marry based on having her as a full time live in nanny. It's not fair to anyone. Roommates? Sounds like the perfect seeds for cheating along with the estrangement. Why marry when it's doomed to fail?

I agree with you. If the OP was not home and working a full time job during the day for this past year and the fiancee was working nights - it was she who was home with the son most of the time. Even if he is not special needs to the level of needing help in the bathroom, etc, you never get a moment alone.

If the mother of this kid is not trustworthy, ever hear of supervised visitation? a Grandparent or other trusted adult must always be present.

The changes OP talks about = change from going to swinger places to being exhausted has a direct correlation between the timeline the son moved in and OP took a job outside the home.

Is there any path to the son going into a monitored roommate situation -- i had a friend whose son was involved in that -- 3-4 guys lived together in a house fairly independently and someone came in to check on them and help them with the big stuff they could not handle -- one needed medication reminders, another just needed rides, etc. just to keep tabs, etc.

where was he living before this year? with mom? a school?

Oh wow, you feel like she is a roommate, don't kiss anymore, and rarely have sex. I can't recommend marriage, her love level for you has gone down over the years, severely. I see breakup or if you do get married, divorce on the horizon. I'm sorry.

Hey all, last note. I wanted to make it clear, she is not a nanny, I take care of my son 150%.

Abitbroken- I got full custody 2 yrs ago. Before that 50/50. I will continue to be there for him. If he finds friends to room with I will help him transition and check on him daily or as much as he needs. But he is my son and I would not ask anyone to be thrown into a caretaker position.

Abitbroken- I got full custody 2 yrs ago. Before that 50/50. I will continue to be there for him. If he finds friends to room with I will help him transition and check on him daily or as much as he needs. But he is my son and I would not ask anyone to be thrown into a caretaker position.

How do you take care of your son 150% when she is home during the day and you worked outside of the home?

Also, having a third adult in the home changes the dynamic of the household.

Were you engaged before he started living with you?

I would ask yourself if your son can ever be independent or be transitioned to another living situation for his benefit or is she signing up for a lifetime of living with you both and being that you worked from home prior, it didn't seem as much of a deal. Or eventually a house with an inlaw apartmet you can't really be "in the mood" as much when you have to be always fully clothed when your guy gets home because there is another adult male in the house.

Honestly, i would go away with two or three nights just the two of you to be at ease with no kids and maybe have a chat once you both have relaxed instead of hitting her with loaded questions when she is trying to go to bed or getting off to work.

Have you gone to premarriage prep counseling/classes == sometimes they force you to talk about things you never considered -- but i don't think a proposal based on expecting someone to a swinging sexpot forever is realistic anyways