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Thread: Bjjbob

  1. #1
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    Bjjbob

    New to the site. Need advice on what to do regarding my fiance. I love her, but, I've been married before and I don't want to make another mistake. We've been together for about four years. And are supposed to be married in August. There are several issues. Our sex life used to be amazing even doing things like going to sex clubs. We didn't swing or do anything like that but it was a very very active sex life. Now it's maybe once a month and only if she is drunk; we don't even kiss. I take care of the house pretty much 100%, grocery shop, cook, etc.
    I work IT from home and she is an RN working overnights. Giving us about an hour or two every day to we see each other and about 3 hours on her days off. My son,who has special needs, lives with us full-time for about the past year. And my daughter only on the weekends. She gets along really well with my daughter. She doesn't really relate to my son but they get along very well anyway, they just don't really talk much. But they love her too and that is obviously very important to me.
    According to her this has been going on for about a year, because that is when my son started living full time with us. According to me it has been about 2 years going back to the roughest time of school followed by working overnights. I have tried to talk to her, tell her how I feel more like roomates that help pay bills and hang out once and a while. Her answer is always evasive and usually shut down any conversation. The reasons I have to stay together: I do love her and don't want to hurt her (I don't think she could handle us not being together) we do work well enough as roommates (ie bills), I have given up on traditional relationships and relying on them as a source of fulfillment (don't want to even look for another relationship again),and her and my daughter's relationship which is so necessary for my daughter's mental well being.
    It all boils down to am I able to sign on the dotted line and have this be the rest of my life? Sorry so long of a post.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Then don't.

    At the very least postpone the marriage until you get the bottom of the discontent.

    I wouldn't get married based on what you just shared. If you do you are basically agreeing to these terms.

    Have you considered couples counseling?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    If you marry her feeling like you do, the marriage is doomed. Either try counseling, talk a lot more, a combo of those things, or give it up. You arent really a happy guy and there's no reason to think things will get better if you marry her.

  4. #4
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    Your arrangement may be a sound basis for a number of things, but marriage isn't one of them. Don't do it.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you're having an anxiety attack. I don't blame you if you've been married once before but listen to yourself for a second: you're basing a lot of your resentment due to your sex life which is a bit one-sided. Yes, sex is important but it doesn't mean you bail if there's not enough sex for a period of time. If your son does have requirements in terms of special needs you need to do more juggling and less scapegoating. She's an RN and this means she works shifts, sometimes overnight shifts. Your schedules are opposite and you have certain commitments. If you're not able to handle your son on your own I'm sure there is help for that and maybe you should not be taking on more than you can handle or stretch yourself so thin.

    I'm not certain how useful your talk with her was because it comes across like you're complaining a lot without offering solutions. She doesn't deserve a failed relationship any more than you do. I think you both should try to communicate more effectively and break each other down less. Handle your commitments better and look at help if you need help managing the house or helping with your son.

  7. #6
    Silver Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BJJBOB
    Our sex life used to be amazing even doing things like going to sex clubs. We didn't swing or do anything like that but it was a very very active sex life. Now it's maybe once a month and only if she is drunk; we don't even kiss.
    ...is the first thing you mentioned, so I'm going to start there.

    What do you think led to the decline in sex life? It's normal to tone down over the years, but not even kissing? Not even a good morning, good bye kiss.
    I'd hate to put this thought in your head, but do you think she is getting her needs met elsewhere?

    I'd suggest putting the breaks on the marriage, for now. Much better now then the mess that divorce brings.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    I would postpone the wedding and try counselling together.

  9. #8
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    Is she a caregiver to your son when she is home? Do you not have intimate time partly because he is very needy - no time alone? Does the child's mother ever take him so you can have a few days together to yourself?

    Do you have unreasonable expectations of her (ie, things were spicey when you went to sex clubs and now that you are not you have an unreasonable expectation of sex?

    Since you work from home, can you not take one day off when she has day off and ship the son off to his mother's or have a caregiver come in so you can do something together?

  10. #9
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    btw if she works a 12 hour overnight shift and you work from home - yes you should be taking care of the house more and picking up after you kids as well or have the kids pitch in. Your daughter certainly is able to do so

  11. #10
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    I want to try to respond to all of your responses from everyone so far in one. So regarding if I'm home all day yes I have no problems cleaning up up until about four days ago I was working another full-time job since I've met her she has done dishes twice maybe, and organize the kitchen once. That is it. The rest has always been on me. Guess I get resentful but that's not the main thing. As far as sending my son to his mother's I leave that to him and her to figure out. He's 19 and she is got many illnesses. In addition I have never felt comfortable with him in her care do two things in the past that she has done which is endangered his life. Also although she is not intentionally negligent her issues always leave him in a less-than-ideal States. I have try to talk to her about how I feel and I am left feeling guilty for wanting more out of our relationship and I immediately realized there's no point I'm trying to talk to her about it because it's written off and shove it under the rug. My main question is we are friends. I have given up on the idea have other relationships therefore should I just resigned myself to this is life. she has certain issues that I knew about and I'm not trying to change that. I do strongly believe not only is it not going to ever get better but once we're married, in my experience, that leads to Rapid and extreme decline. So my question is if you were in my shoes would you try to move forward with less struggle hopefully and with a friend or more struggle probably but alone?

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