Tough situation

Hello, I'm in a pretty tough situation and want to gain some insight in how a person on the other end of this situation feels and thinks. I'll try to keep it short but complete.

My (22,m) girlfriend (22) and I had been together for a year when she left to study abroad in Italy. Three months in, I planned to go visit her. Two weeks before I left, I discovered she cheated on me. I was angry, sad, frustrated and confused because our relationship was incredibly strong before she left, and she had a big anti-cheater mentality. We talked a lot after I knew and I knew I still loved her. She may have cheated but I know her, she isn't a liar. I knew I could forgive her, and allow her to prove her worth to me during this trip. She showed a lot of remorse and a lot of positive signs that she's genuine about making it right, showed a lot of respect for my position in this.

I asked her, what do YOU want? Do you want to dedicate yourself to fix this, do you want a break, or do you want to be free? She told me there is nothing she wanted more than me to come visit her to fix things. I'm writing this on my final day here. When I arrived we had a talk. She told me she's very confused because I insisted on her thinking about what she wants. She told me more or less that because I didn't really get furious and insult her, she didn't feel the natural response of wanting to win me back. That she feels nothing at all now, that she feels like she's inside of a mental black hole. I mean, I came over expecting her to practically throw herself at me, with me having to keep her on a distance for myself. But she told me she wants nothing more than to feel the vibe and energy she felt before, which she doesn't feel now. She wanted to start over as friends and fall in love with me again.

I understand her situation here, I know her, and I know she's living in another reality now. That's why I am open to forgiveness, she has lost herself and made a mistake. I also genuinely understand this is all happening very quickly after D-day, we both thought we'd have more clearer thoughts about it all by now. So I agreed. I promised myself to be positive, because being sour all the time wouldn't be fun for myself. I noticed that she lost the physical attraction to me, but still feels very emotionally connected. On the other hand, I am still attracted to her, but lost the connection because of the cheating. We had a pretty busy schedule planned. I sort of pushed myself to just be myself, the person she fell in love with. Doing things together made me feel like in the old days. We did everything a couple does, except for the romantic stuff. That part made me most confused. So while I (and we) truly had fun doing things, this started to eat at the back of my mind.

Almost every moment where we weren't busy exploring cities, visiting stuff, my head got very chaotic and I closed up. I got frustrated with how I felt like I'm putting in effort by being myself around her, while she didn't seem to do the same and it should be the other way around. I expected her to be more affectionate, to try harder. I noticed us growing closer during the day, by having fun with each other, since we both missed each other. But most nights when we got back to the hotel, I had time to think and we had difficult talks. These talks were necessary but obviously pushed her away more and more. She said she truly wants to feel the spark again, but just couldn't bring herself to be intimate with me because it would feel very fake on her part. While I'm convinced being physical was necessary to bring back the spark. She did feel SOME things. After a fun day she'd rest her head on my shoulder, or hold my hand when waking up in the morning. Those things were real. This convinced me that it CAN work out, some day, when she's back.

Call me naive, stupid or whatever. I know her and I understand her position, this whole thing feels a bit forced because we both had little time to think about it. We had a supposed-to-be final talk yesterday, an incredibly difficult goodbye. We agreed to break up, and maybe find eachother again later in life. This girl is an amazing person, the reason I fell in love with her is because she's always real, she's genuine, doesn't search for excuses in this and doesn't want to see me suffer. I would've wanted to stay together on certain terms, with a kind of break. But for that I need sex, sounds dumb but it's true, I can't go another three months being dry. And she said she just couldn't give me what I want, she wanted that she'd be able to, and thought she would be.

I know it sounds dumb on my part, but I don't want to lose her. I'd like to re-evaluate when she gets back, but I can't do that knowing and not knowing whatever she's doing here. She feels like she doesn't deserve a break after what she did, that she doesn't deserve me thinking about her and partially waiting for her. It's in both our best interest to break up completely, because I can't afford to keep her on my mind, that's unhealthy. And she needs to sort her own mind. I explained how I feel about this. She didn't expect me to be so understanding, feels grateful and respects me for it, but it kinda made her lose the spark.

She told me her image of me changed for the better, that only now she realizes what a beautiful person I am. Which makes her feel even more ty about what she did. She told me she would, despite the break up, remain celibate out of respect for me. She would view our break-up as a break, but insists that I go my own way, and possibly think of her when the time comes.

This is just happening very fast, I know. I will go back home and move my thoughts by focussing on school and looking for other girls. I want to know if I handled this right. A part of me 'regrets' that I didn't get more angry with her, another part feels good because this is who I am. I am the bigger person and there's nothing bad that can be said about me. I was open about my feelings, and I saw this hurt her so much more than I could have by being angry. I proved who I am, I made her realize what I'm worth and what she threw away. That second chance is still lying on the table for her, because she wasn't ready to grab it, which I understand. I won't be waiting.

I was still in the city for a day after the 'breakup' before leaving and couldn't help but feel like yesterday's goodbye wasn't enough for closure on my part. This sounds very dramatic but I waited in front of her door to meet her when she'd go to class. I stood there for nearly three hours (in the rain!), turned out she couldn't get out of bed, sobbing. Eventually she answered my text that she's home. I asked for five minutes of her time.

I gave her a big ol' tight hug (she was reluctant), telling her: "I understand you, I get you, I know you and respect you for who you are. I don't regret coming here, making this trip with you and getting to know you even better. I know this is happening too quickly, so I understand why you couldn't grab my second chance. It's still there for when you're ready, but it won't be waiting and I could be gone. Respect me the way you told me yesterday. But above all, respect yourself. Don't let yourself be used like what happened, you're better than that."

When I said that, she literally broke down sobbing, telling me she's so sorry, I love you. And wouldn't let go of the hug, while she didn't want to be hugged in the first place. Then I said goodbye. This really is the best thing I could've done, I feel free and confident. While she feels even worse than before, fully realizing who walked away from her and what she lost.

I wrote this post throughout the day. First part in the morning, second part when I saw her during noon, and this part while I'm sitting at the airport waiting on my flight home. Now I feel sad, I'm almost crying. I miss her and want nothing else than things being like they were before she left. I want to text her this and that, but I'm too stubborn because she needs to do the chasing, I have a spine. This is incredibely difficult and this whole week was an emotional rollercoaster. We both want things to work out one day. I think if I lose control and text her about how I still do love/miss her, she will lose the respect I earned.

FML.

 

 

She told me her image of me changed for the better, that only now she realizes what a beautiful person I am. Which makes her feel even more ty about what she did. She told me she would, despite the break up, remain celibate out of respect for me. She would view our break-up as a break, but insists that I go my own way, and possibly think of her when the time comes..

I've read your other threads and I believe that you keep making excuses for her infidelity, and in my opinion you should have broken up with her when you found out and not go on that trip to see her.

You guys are still so young. You will find someone better, more compatible for you., I am not saying that she is bad, I am merely giving an opinion on her poor choices, getting drunk to the point of unconsciousness and sleeping with random guys. This should really make you wonder if she is THAT wonderful and great, and if this is what you would want in a future partner, if so, you need to maybe assess your self-worth.

The statement in quotes stood up to me because it's nothing but BS . She has shown no respect for you being your girlfriend. Now that she is not, she can sleep with whoever she wants, doesn't owe you explanations... makes absolutely no sense.

Glad that you two are broken up, I am sorry you are hurting, but this is a blessing in disguise, and you will see it too in the future.

Take care of yourself and let this girl go for good.

While I understand your point of view, there is way more to this. I am who I am and I could not have dealt with simply saying 'F it' and letting it all go. I've done it before and it doesn't grant me closure, it only made me bitter and insecure. I needed to see her and hear her out, even though it didn't work out the way I expected. The 'excuses' I made for her infidelity was because I just didn't know what happened, I was assuming things, now I do have clarity and will be able to forgive it at some point. I can say I am glad I did it.

As you said, we're still young. I feel like this made me grow, regardless of the outcome, win for me. She also realizes how immature her actions were, can you really attack me for trying to see the good in her? When I said I understand her situation, I mean that. Mistakes happen. I never saw her as my future wife or anything, I do feel like we're not finished yet, that there's more potential.

Calling my statement BS is outright rude. I didn't say that to make her feel better, it's how I feel, it's my first step to forgive her. Forgiving her means peace of mind to me, I forgive for myself. If anything, it hurt her and made me feel better. I walked away with a smile.

Yes now that she isn't my girlfriend anymore she could sleep with anyone. So can I, I don't see your point here. What matters to me is that I learned she is genuine, real. I know her and she really lost her way, she strayed, she's living in another reality.

I already see this as a blessing though. I can focus on myself and will actively look elsewhere. I turned the situation around. I was hurt and heartbroken because of her cheating. Now I'm starting to feel at peace with it all, while I made her realize who she lost and feel heartbroken. Feels powerful.

I still think she's worth giving another shot, but she'll have to work for it, and I won't be waiting. 🙃

deleted. . . . . . .

Get rid of her. Stop making excuses. She is a cheat and does not respect you. Love should not be so difficult.

Be done!

While I understand your point of view, there is way more to this. I am who I am and I could not have dealt with simply saying 'F it' and letting it all go. I've done it before and it doesn't grant me closure, it only made me bitter and insecure. I needed to see her and hear her out, even though it didn't work out the way I expected. The 'excuses' I made for her infidelity was because I just didn't know what happened, I was assuming things, now I do have clarity and will be able to forgive it at some point. I can say I am glad I did it.

 

As you said, we're still young. I feel like this made me grow, regardless of the outcome, win for me. She also realizes how immature her actions were, can you really attack me for trying to see the good in her? When I said I understand her situation, I mean that. Mistakes happen. I never saw her as my future wife or anything, I do feel like we're not finished yet, that there's more potential.

 

Calling my statement BS is outright rude. I didn't say that to make her feel better, it's how I feel, it's my first step to forgive her. Forgiving her means peace of mind to me, I forgive for myself. If anything, it hurt her and made me feel better. I walked away with a smile.

 

Yes now that she isn't my girlfriend anymore she could sleep with anyone. So can I, I don't see your point here. What matters to me is that I learned she is genuine, real. I know her and she really lost her way, she strayed, she's living in another reality.

 

I already see this as a blessing though. I can focus on myself and will actively look elsewhere. I turned the situation around. I was hurt and heartbroken because of her cheating. Now I'm starting to feel at peace with it all, while I made her realize who she lost and feel heartbroken. Feels powerful.

 

I still think she's worth giving another shot, but she'll have to work for it, and I won't be waiting. 🙃

It was not my intention to attack you. You are in an advice forum, and I offered my opinion. If you don't agree with it, fine, just don't.

I believe that a partner who cheats on you and lies to you, knowing that it will hurt you is not something I would be able to forgive, but that's me. not you.

If I read your post correctly the statement I called BS was her of being celibate, unless you meant now that it was you who said it.

I think it shows maturity on your part that you can forgive her for your own peace of mind, however, be careful of becoming a doormat for her, because she has already shown how little respect she has for you sadly.

It was not my intention to attack you. You are in an advice forum, and I offered my opinion. If you don't agree with it, fine, just don't.

 

I believe that a partner who cheats on you and lies to you, knowing that it will hurt you is not something I would be able to forgive, but that's me. not you.

 

If I read your post correctly the statement I called BS was her of being celibate, unless you meant now that it was you who said it.

 

I think it shows maturity on your part that you can forgive her for your own peace of mind, however, be careful of becoming a doormat for her, because she has already shown how little respect she has for you sadly.

He doesn't respect himself, therefore how can she have respect for him? I personally wouldn't respect anyone that would let me treat them like a doormat. I'd respect someone that told me to go pound sand after I heartlessly cheated on them.

It was not my intention to attack you. You are in an advice forum, and I offered my opinion. If you don't agree with it, fine, just don't.

 

I believe that a partner who cheats on you and lies to you, knowing that it will hurt you is not something I would be able to forgive, but that's me. not you.

 

If I read your post correctly the statement I called BS was her of being celibate, unless you meant now that it was you who said it.

 

I think it shows maturity on your part that you can forgive her for your own peace of mind, however, be careful of becoming a doormat for her, because she has already shown how little respect she has for you sadly.

Okay I misinterpreted that! Yeah I don't really expect her to be celibate at all. She's an emotional wreck right now and how I know her, sex is the last thing on her mind when she feels like this. She's pretty convinced about doing it now, but I doubt she'll stay good. Anyhow, relationship's over, I'm doing my thing, too. I thought you called my last paragraph BS.

Thing is, she never lied to me. She hid it, repressed the thought. I trusted her blindly and never asked her if anything happened, she's a very bad liar. Of course you could put that in the same category.

I understand what you mean of being careful of becoming a doormat. Thing is, I know this for a little three weeks. Things happened very fast. I can understand she's confused because I am too. I feel disappointed for things not going the way I expected, however I don't know how I would've felt if she wasn't honest about how she felt the past week. That's why I understand her for being distant and careful.

 

Thing is, she never lied to me. She hid it, repressed the thought. I trusted her blindly and never asked her if anything happened, she's a very bad liar. Of course you could put that in the same category.

 

Really, she hid it and repressed it?

Are you really going with that?

A conscious omission is a lie. I hope you know that.

`I trusted her blindly' There is a lot of truth in this, however.

I don't mean to pick at you and split hairs with your words, but I think it's very telling and it's partly why you are in this predicament.

Okay I misinterpreted that! Yeah I don't really expect her to be celibate at all. She's an emotional wreck right now and how I know her, sex is the last thing on her mind when she feels like this. She's pretty convinced about doing it now, but I doubt she'll stay good. Anyhow, relationship's over, I'm doing my thing, too. I thought you called my last paragraph BS.

 

Thing is, she never lied to me. She hid it, repressed the thought. I trusted her blindly and never asked her if anything happened, she's a very bad liar. Of course you could put that in the same category.

 

I understand what you mean of being careful of becoming a doormat. Thing is, I know this for a little three weeks. Things happened very fast. I can understand she's confused because I am too. I feel disappointed for things not going the way I expected, however I don't know how I would've felt if she wasn't honest about how she felt the past week. That's why I understand her for being distant and careful.

Focus on your healing. I know you are very much into this girl, you do sound like a nice, loyal guy. You will find a girl that sees that in you and gives you the respect you deserve, but for that to happen you must first give yourself such respect.

All the best

He doesn't respect himself, therefore how can she have respect for him? I personally wouldn't respect anyone that would let me treat them like a doormat. I'd respect someone that told me to go pound sand after I heartlessly cheated on them.

Weird point of view. I don't respect myself because I try to understand her, and give her an opening to make things right? I don't hate, I don't hurt, I don't make drama. That is my strength and that is what people respect about me. Me remaining my kind self throughout this situation hit her way harder than me being angry. It feels a lot more powerful, maybe you'll realize that someday.

When the time comes, and she wants back in my life, you'd think it's all good kiss and make up time for me? As I said, we broke up and it's better for the both of us, she will still have to prove she's worthy to have me, if I'm still single.

Weird point of view. I don't respect myself because I try to understand her, and give her an opening to make things right? I don't hate, I don't hurt, I don't make drama. That is my strength and that is what people respect about me. Me remaining my kind self throughout this situation hit her way harder than me being angry. It feels a lot more powerful, maybe you'll realize that someday.

 

.

I am certainly not one to tell another person how to navigate their life. What I shared is my thoughts on the same situation.

If what you do works for you, I respect that.

It's not right or wrong. It's just different.

I think if I lose control and text her about how I still do love/miss her, she will lose the respect I earned.

But you yourself alluded to her potential lost of respect. Based on what you've shared, I think that's already happened.

But if you are at peace with the way you handled things, that's all that really matters in the end.

There's a really messed up dynamic after one person 'cheats'. I don't know the extent to what constitutes cheating in your mind - if it was sex that she had with someone else or if she shared a brief kiss. It sounds too brief to be an emotional affair so I have no idea what you're basing the term cheating on. Regardless, there was some form of betrayal and, again, relationships rarely recover after severe breaches in trust.

You seem completely in pain in your initial post but already I was getting the sense that your reaction to the feeling of loss of control was to overcompensate and regain control. Overcompensating in the long run makes you look unstable, insecure and a lesser version of who you used to be. Expecting her to throw herself at your feet or be remorseful is a manifestation of your resentment and all those feelings of betrayal that haven't been dealt with. This is why betrayal is fairly complex and the emotions that arise out of betrayal are difficult to deal with. People are scarred sometimes for life because they've been hurt once by someone's callousness or thoughtlessness. It's also why cheating carries an incredible stigma and there's often very little room for compassion for someone who cheats on someone else. I'm sharing this with you or taking the time to write about this because I've been on both ends of the stick and not proud of either, not happy to have lived on either side. All I can tell you is that when someone looks outside of a relationship, there's something very wrong and, in my case, it was profound pain. I dealt with betrayal and disappointment by betraying someone else in return in a different way. It was a coping mechanism and like I said it was not a proud moment for me.

I hope you find your peace and rest easy knowing that this is not the right person for you. If she comes back to you and wants to work things out you should be aware that that dynamic is damaged and it is abnormal (in my view) if the relationship continues. Be very careful about the dynamics of a relationship and repairing a relationship after something like this. She shouldn't be on her knees begging you for forgiveness each time or throwing herself at you in remorse. She needs to be able to walk straight also, just like you, and trust sincerely has to be rebuilt from scratch. I hope you do move on and I really hope you do not look back.