Porn, marriage and trust

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for a couple of years, and have been dating for a few. We love each other very much, but our sex life has always been our weakest area.

Even after we got married, I have been caught masturbating to porn/other girls. I know in my heart that it has no place in our marriage, and I’m going to put an end to that part of myself. The secrecy and the hiding has caused not just me a ton of anxiety, but compromises the trust my wife and I have for each other.

I know that our sex life will be much more fulfilling and our dynamic will be much better. There are a couple of great podcasts I follow that are hosted by and include interviews with men who look up to. I know that porn, especially in marriage, just doesn’t have a place.

Do any other men here have some useful, practical strategies for overcoming this and moving on?

Question, and please answer honestly (be honest with yourself!!):

Do you truly believe that porn has no place in a marriage, or has your wife imposed this belief upon you?

Everything in moderation.

Hi indea,

I truly feel that it drives a wedge in our intimacy. I know that it’s holding me back from becoming a better man. My relationship to time alone isn’t healthy, because it’s not usually involving a bringing home to our marriage a bettering of our relationship, or working on a goal or a project or plans for us they would be fulfilling for both of us. And I know in my heart that I would feel much better by making better choices. I’m tired of living with a sense of secrecy.

If it's an unhealthy habit or a coping mechanism, I think it would warrant some checking and limitations. Otherwise, it seems a bit over the top saying that it has no place in marriage. Too oppressive, to me. I don't know how anyone would be in the mood like that... ever. You mentioned getting caught in the act. Did she make you feel bad about it? If she did, it seems a bit weird to me and too much ado over nothing if there are no issues in your marriage.

Are there any other issues like trust in other areas or financial troubles?

Porn can be a fun couples activity if done with consent and respect. Spices things up.

Can you say a bit more (if willing) about how your sex life has always been the "weakest spot" between you two? Or, to ask it another way: Did you get into this relationship by accepting that you weren't quite compatible sexually?

I ask those questions because, like others here, I find the way you're talking about porn and masturbation a bit troubling. Shades of guilt and shame, basically, attached to things that really don't need to be sources of guilt or shame.

Most every man I know—married, single, and everywhere in between—masturbates to porn. Probably most women I know as well. And plenty of couples, per the above post, have fun with it. In my world, at least, this is the stuff of dinner table joking not the confessional.

Sure, it can be problematic, like so many fun things, but I guess I'm trying to figure out how much of the issue here is "porn and masturbation" or a place where you and your wife have just not quite lined up sexually, perhaps going back even to early dating.

I'll echo bluecastle's question: in what sense is sex the weakest area in your marriage?

Even if you never watch another single naughty clip again, you and your wife still need to work on sexual intimacy and whatever problems plague that. The porn issue is only part of the problem here.

I would also like to know why you say that "our sex life has always been our weakest area". Do you or she like certain things that the other does not like? Is there some sort of incompatibility in the sexual arena?

I think you two need an open discussion and work on improving the sexual life. It will also strengthen your bond in the relationship.