Confused, heartbroken and anxious

9 years ago I’ve meet a great guy (S) in work. At the time I was engaged to a guy who was abusive and S helped me realise how any woman should be treated. With a year I broke up with my ex. Things got intensive with S but my ex was bothering both of us. Me and S were so drawn to each other at first but only ever end up hooking up for about 2 years. Potentially because of my ex. I wanted S to commit but despite smooth talk he was stringing me along and I found out he’s been seeing other girls so I cut him off completely. For about 4 years. X mass 2016 he messaged me and we got talking as friends. He moved away to another city. for lucrative work offer. We were exchanging friendly texts for about a year. He told me that he had a girlfriend but it wasn’t working out and that he did had feelings for me back in a day and he was too immature.

In November 2017 we meet up for a catch up and got drunk and unexpectedly we kissed. All of the feelings were back- for him and me. Next day he broke up with his girlfriend and we started spending time together whenever he was back in town and texting regularly. We start sleeping together and going out on dates. He wanted to start a family with me, get a new job and more back home. He wanted to take it slow to avoid making the same mistake we did years back.

Weeks been passing and Communication fizzled out and due to long distance I haven’t seen him for weeks so broke up with him but after few weeks He came back. His ex was giving him hell and he got depressed. He ask for some time so we broke up again. Few weeks went by and he came back again. Things been great until he started liking pictures of naked girls online and making empty promises. Cough him lying and his behaviour was getting more conspicuous. He said that he wanted me to be his date for friends wedding but then Friend of mine found him on tinder. After giving me BS excuses that he was lonely and if I’d done more to keep in touch he wouldn’t have to be on tinder. He tried to blame me so I’ve cut him off. He blocked me on WhatsApp and I removed him from all social media accounts.

When we very quick start sleeping together, each other without protection, he was happy and excited about starting family. He said he loved me. Invited me over but never made solid plans. I pulled back few times a little but we would only ever text. We only had 2 phone conversation and he wouldn’t FaceTime me either blaming poor connection- as if! Xmas 2018 he came back once again claiming he still loves me. Spent 25th December together but I didn’t even got a Xmas card from him. On the 29/12 he had his 30th bday party and didn’t invite me and on the New Year has messaged me saying he had to go back home due to work. I ignored him and didn’t reply at all. He messaged me few weeks later and we got talking again.

Told him to go away but he came back again and when he was in town we spent more time together. In March 2019 he stayed in mine for 3 days again instead of his mums, he took me out and again offered to pay as he have each time before. He said that his tinder profile might be still there but he’s not been seen or sleeping with anyone else. Things been good and he was affectionate towards me as he did every time he stayed in mine. He said that he’d ask me to be his girlfriend but I’d say no anyways and that he’s confused about me saying that I want us to be friends. We talked about moving in together and that he been showing my pictures of to his friends and called me “his”. We have cute nicknames for each other and our own special sayings, numbers, jokes. I’ve encouraged him with him getting back to shape and achieving his goals and he motivated me with mine. He ask if I want to be his date for his friends bday party but then I seen him liking pictures of naked girls again and we argued. I’ve explained that it’s disrespectful. He gave me silence treatment for a week but in the meantime he stopped following or liking questionable girls or rude pictures online.

Last Friday I’ve noticed on Snapchat that he was back in town and my gut feeling made me download tinder using my friends account. His profile came up nearly instantly. We matched so he was still active. I did consider if he done it on purpose but I’ve messaged him through my friends profile. during conversation he said he was single and not seeing anyone. In the meantime I’ve decided to go out with my girlfriends and posted pictures on social media of me having fun and looking rather... hot!. While I was out he sent me a text saying that after our argument he didn’t know what to say and admitted it was rude of him not letting me know he was back at the same time still messaging me via tinder. When I got home he stopped texting me but continued texting my friends profile on tinder till 3 am. Next day he got suspicious of who he was talking to on tinder yet still was interest to meet up. He said that he first want to FaceTime or for me to send him voice memo so he knows he’s not being catfished. It was clear that he was cautious and came across being with someone but as he still didn’t know it was me, he continued to entertain the conversation. Either to test who he was talking to or to go on a genuine date, he asked to go out that night. I ended the conversation and logged out of my friends tinder account. As I haven’t heard from S on Saturday, later that afternoon I texted him myself as normal and initially his response been short and snappy but after short conversation he must of felt confident that I was clueless about the tinder conversation he had and he came down to mine that night. He brought snack and wine as he always have. I haven’t said a word about tinder and while we were acting as normal, watching movies, cuddling and enjoying Each other’s company, I was asking “innocent” questions. He lied about not talking or seeing anyone else. He was definitely suspicious if it was me on tinder but as I didn’t let on, he got less edgy. I’ve asked him what would he do if I end up sleeping with someone else but instead opposing the idea as he strongly did in the past, he just said that’s not something he ever thought about. I know i shouldn’t but we sleep together that night and following morning. While he was asleep I’ve checked his wallet as In May 2018 he said he bought pack of condoms yet we never used them. When I told him that this was very odd he pulled out his wallet and had 2 condoms inside explaining that his ex didn’t want kids and that’s why he had them. When I looked inside his wallet he only had one left. I felt sick. Throughout all those months, he was talking about having family together, getting engaged, moving back and that he is interested in me and that I’m 100% his type. He never called me his girlfriend nor he officially posted pictures of us besides an odd Snapchat without our faces when we were out on a dates. We hold hands and he would drop me off to work and let me use his Netflix account. He tagged me in odd post on FB and took me to his mums house when she wasn’t in. He included me in FB group games with his friends. Overall we didn’t spend any time with each other friends besides one time he took me out and he never managed to plan anything other than few dates when he was back in town. I pointed that he left plans to last minute and after asking him to let me know in advance as I might not have time for him if he continues with his last minute ideas, he started letting me know in advance. We were spending time during the day and night and he would open doors for me and act like a true gentleman. Once when I was fed up with him being inconsistent and declined his offer of meeting up, he said that he doesn’t like me being taken away from him and I set him a challenge. Told him that he had 20 minutes to drive down to mine (usually it takes 30 min from his mums to mine) and if he’s late even a second it’s game over for him. He made it with 2 minutes to spare. In 2018 he end up going on 2 city breaks abroad with his friends but didn’t invite me. I love him and I know that he is attracted to me and was getting jealous when occasionally men been hitting on me. He said that we have a awesome connection and he likes my aura.

Seeing only one condom left in his wallet I couldn’t understand why he didn’t use condoms adding to my confusion. In my head I was going over the things he said on tinder. He said that there’s not many reasons keeping him in town and that he was looking for a serious relationship and he wasn’t sleeping around. He was looking for someone to go on city breaks abroad and whose funny. Yet there I was waiting for him to wake up after spending yet another night together. When he got up I put on a brave face until he said that he’s driving back that evening so he’ll have to go. I rolled into a ball on my couch and tears started streaming down my face. He had a confused look on his face and confused got his things together. I covered my face with a black and he sat next to me and gave me a hug and said that he don’t like to see me upset. He never seen me crying before. I told him that I can’t carry on like this and while he’s open to meeting new people. Never told him about what I knew but I did say that I care for him more than he could ever imagine and with things being as they are between us I feel very vulnerable so perhaps we should start seeing other people. He was in shock and said nothing. He mumbled that he would text me later but I told him not to. At the door he shook my hand and gave me a peck on my cheek and left.

For some reason I’ve downloaded tinder again and created fake profile and within minutes I found him again. 20-30 minutes from leaving mine he matched with my fake profile. This time I didn’t messaged him until the following day and then he left town and was back at his. I asked what he was looking for on tinder and he said that as he’s single he’s always looking for more. That he doesn’t sleep around and want a serious relationship with someone who will keep him on his toes and will bring out the best in him. I end up staying the he looks like someone who was dating my friend but she had to let him go as he was immature skirt chasing cheat who didn’t deserve her. He said that it wasn’t firs time he’s been catfish’s on tinder and that he exactly knows that conversation wasn’t real so he just went along with it. I said that I didn’t know what he was referring to and ended it and deleted the fake tinder profile. I know that it wasn’t right to create the account although I’m still not convinced that either of times he knew it was me. He definitely did suspect something the first time and perhaps tried to play it down the second time. I haven’t heard from him since. He posted few Snapchat stories but I didn’t look at them and I didn’t post anything on social media about the situation. On Monday after visiting a friend I’ve uploaded a Snapchat of me chilling in the sun that he did check out and yesterday I’ve muted his activity on social media but haven’t blocked or deleted him. Since my last fake tinder message where I said that my friend cared for him while he blew every single chance he had and that girl like that won’t be single for long, his overall social media activity went really quiet. He didn’t block me or un friended me either. I love him and I know he’s been out of order yet I can’t make a sense of the whole situation. In early 2018 He said that I was the one that got away but through tinder he implied that there might have been some he’s been seeing and that he was looking for some fun on the side while claiming he was single for about 18 months now. Although he was suspicious he still came down and we had unprotected sex. Since Monday I felt odd and after checking my period tracking app, I am concerned as we had sex during my ovulation window so there’s a chance that I might be pregnant now. I just don’t know what to do about him or is it even worth my time to try and reconcile things with S. I now that he’s been disrespectful and his behaviour unacceptable yet I know that I don’t know his side of the story. He’s not forward about his feelings and gets defensive or withdrawn during serious conversation! The best way would be me walking away again but this time burning the bright behind me but my gut feeling is telling me not to! Should I go on tinder under my own name to make a point and for him to see I’m now on it too? Wait it out and see if he contacts me again? And if I am pregnant how would I even tell him or trust him? For sure he suspects that it was me on tinder although he doesn’t have a proof and I don’t think there’s a point of me bringing the subject to confront him but what if few weeks down the line he contacts me again? I can’t act like nothing happened and I’m sick of his player drama. I deserve better.

He once said that if I ever got pregnant by him he’d do the right thing and even ask how some can we get married. We talked about potential baby names and since I’m Polish, if due to brexit I’d decide to go back to Poland he’d go with me! I don’t want him to stick around making my life miserable if I’m pregnant with the same disrespectful behaviour and how to motivate him to get his act together? I’m 3 years older and I’m a rather funny person with a quirky accent that he likes. I’m a positive person and I don’t nag. I take pride in helping others. I don’t flaunt or post pictures flaunting my body online. He’s been liking girls that like me have dark hair but they got visible tattoos and are overly sexual and he likes girls with bangs that I don’t have. Nonetheless I am a confident and intelligent person yet somehow this man like no other ever in my entire life got under my skin. I feel strong connection with him and we have a lot of things in common also as silly as it sounds, we sometimes finish each other sentences. I want him in my life but only if he can get his act together but positively if I’m pregnant the matter gets more complicated! What should I do no?

Where is your self respect?!

He showed you, over and over, that he was a liar and cheat, yet you continued to go back for more. You have no one to blame but yourself, as he showed you who he was in 2014.

Why do you do this to yourself?

I strongly recommend therapy for your self esteem issues, and terrible choice in men.