Marriage Advice- Mo' Money, Mo' Probs

Okay I am about a year into my marriage and I really just need some clarity on how I'm feeling/to make sure I'm not going crazy. I expect to have your fair share of challenges when it comes to marriage. How I'm feeling though is like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm constantly being told that something I did is wrong or needs to be changed and 80% of the ideas that I have for ANYTHING get shot down or changed. The same process goes with money. We share money and I don't do any crazy spending but when I want to buy something that's $20 for me every 2 weeks, I get questioned. But if she goes and spends $20-$100 whenever she wants, there's 20 reasons why she had to do it and I have no comeback because it'll just cause an argument.

I know that's a lot but am I wrong to feel upset and tired of being shot down? Any advice is welcome. If this is how marriage then just let me know hahaha. Thanks ahead of time.

honestly, you should have talked about money when you were preparing for marriage. Just a suggestion -- you each have a certain amount of pocket money every two weeks or whatever schedule you both get paid on. You calculate what you need for gas, parking meters, incidentals, gifts for the other, etc, and its up to each person how they spend it. If you make coffee at home or buy it out - your choice if you choose to use your whole budget or save some. Whatever you have leftover, you can do whatever you want with it -- save it up for a personal splurge or a present or spend it with no say by the other person. For example, say its $100 every two weeks - maybe that number would be more or less. But that's just an example. That's what my guy does -- it covers gas for his car, eating out, etc, if he chooses or any small cash purchases.

Also, be honest -- are all her spending items frivolous or is she buying things for the house, etc. and in turn you are buying toys?

No this is not how marriage in general is, but it seems to be your reality. My husband and I share our money equally, we have never argued about money, but that's us, that's our reality.

Sounds like you married a control freak. Have you discussed this with her? If all is as you say, this is no way to live your life. A serious talk is in order and perhaps marriage counseling.

No this is not how marriage in general is, but it seems to be your reality. My husband and I share our money equally, we have never argued about money, but that's us, that's our reality.

 

Sounds like you married a control freak. Have you discussed this with her? If all is as you say, this is no way to live your life. A serious talk is in order and perhaps marriage counseling.

I am not going to assume control freak until we hear what the money is being spent on. If she is spending money for a kitchen whisk, a blind for their bathroom and drycleaning and a new blouse for her interview to make her suit more up to date, and he is spending money on an action figure etc. we just don't know.

I'm not sure about kitchen whisks. My husband likes whisks but I prefer the ordinary fork. I think there are utensils hidden like easter eggs in our house that I don't even know about.

I don't think you should be walking on eggshells. Her impression of you seems to be one of mistrust. Why does she treat you that way?

 

I'm constantly being told that something I did is wrong or needs to be changed and 80% of the ideas that I have for ANYTHING get shot down or changed.

 

Apparently money is just one issue among many so won't address that specifically. It's one symptom of a much larger disease -- the imbalance of power in your marriage.

Wondering, was she this controlling before marriage?? Or did she just wake up the morn after you got married and she became controlling?

In any event, you need to stand for yourself and to her.

You're the man, and as your user name suggests, you need to start manning up!!

Stop allowing her to dominate and control you! She will respect you more for it too.

Imo, this is more on you for allowing it

And I would give the same advice to a woman if roles were reversed.

We teach people how to treat us.

I need more information too. For example if you are buying stuff and it's going down the path of too much clutter or hoarding then it might be about the stuff not the $. People get quirky about money (I would say, with rare exception). For example, after marriage and child I became much more focused on avoiding food waste especially more expensive items like avocados or special nut butters (I know for others it would be expensive seafood but you get the picture) but yet if it's easier for me to buy dishwasher pods instead of liquid or order paper towels online instead of going to the store and it's more $ I often do it, time is money. So that's also why it's good to retain independence over portions of money so you can retain your quirks to an extent without having to have someone else have a say in all minor financial decisions. I do think generally couples should have a team approach to major financial decisions AND it's important to discuss what that amount is. For some it might be $100 for others a new car. Know that boundary - it's a short discussion, you file away whatever the $ amount is and then you know.

I need more information too. For example if you are buying stuff and it's going down the path of too much clutter or hoarding then it might be about the stuff not the $. People get quirky about money (I would say, with rare exception). For example, after marriage and child I became much more focused on avoiding food waste especially more expensive items like avocados or special nut butters (I know for others it would be expensive seafood but you get the picture) but yet if it's easier for me to buy dishwasher pods instead of liquid or order paper towels online instead of going to the store and it's more $ I often do it, time is money. So that's also why it's good to retain independence over portions of money so you can retain your quirks to an extent without having to have someone else have a say in all minor financial decisions. I do think generally couples should have a team approach to major financial decisions AND it's important to discuss what that amount is. For some it might be $100 for others a new car. Know that boundary - it's a short discussion, you file away whatever the $ amount is and then you know.

This is so true.