OW- Complicated affair

I am by no means proud to be the OW but I need some advice.

 

My story begins back in 2014 with my co-worker. After a few months of us first meeting he added me on FB and we started chatting. He was supposedly separated from his GF and we chatted for awhile but I was enjoying the single life so we never met up and we ended up not talking as much. Then his GF got pregnant and I for sure left the picture. From here on out we continued to flirt at work but we didn't text anymore. Fast forward another year and him and the gf were having problems and we started talking again. She ended up messaging me on fb and asking me to not message him anymore so I stopped. For the next 3 years we just talked and half flirted at work but I didn't take him very seriously. Also, never met up in person outside of work.

 

Fast forward to April of 2018 a week before his wedding he sends me a drunken fb message about how I've always been his dream girl, he thinks we are soulmates and other shenanigans. I didn't respond because I knew he was drunk. He gets married on my birthday.

 

September 2018 he starts traveling for work and is always blowing up my phone and we start messaging every second of the day. He says he's not happy in the marriage and would leave her for me if I would give him a chance. I know...I know..

 

In Nov of 2018 he starts coming over after work and on his breaks.

 

In Jan 2019 on one of our dates he tells me he loves me and wants to figure out how to leave his wife. He tells her it's over and he's not happy, gives her his ring and she asks him to move out. He tells her he is staying with grandparents but is really at my house. That same week (on valentines day) he gets cold feet and goes back to her. She gets wind it was an affair and kicks him out again 3 days later. He lasts 6 days at my house before he goes back to her. The next day he is back to texting me saying he still loves her and me but doesn't know how to leave her and their kids. We continue our affair even though he has sworn to her its over.

 

April 1- he forgets to turn off location on his phone and is caught at my house. He moves in with me, she throws all his belongings in the yard and sends me their screen shots of him begging her back the whole time he is at my house. He brings one of his kids over to meet me, we look at houses but ultimately he breaks up with me for her again.

 

We went a week without talking or seeing each other but now he's back to texting and we did have sex again the other day, a day before their 1 year anniversary. He says he chooses me still, wants to marry me but he just wants to make the decision to leave her on his own. She has some test results coming back and once he has those results he will give me a time frame to leave. He says there must be some reason we can't stay apart.

 

I love him more than any man I've been with and I do want to be with him but he has went back to his wife 3 times now. Do I wait or leave?

what's OW.

what's OW.

 

Other woman.

what's OW.

 

Other Woman.

 

ie. a mistress to a married (or otherwise committed) man

September 2018 he starts traveling for work and is always blowing up my phone and we start messaging every second of the day.

Yet you know he's married. I have to ask you why you have such fear of commitment. You must have that fear or you would never keep on your BS with a man that you know can not and will not commit to you. He's safe to you because of that inability.

 

He says he's not happy in the marriage and would leave her for me if I would give him a chance. I know...I know..

You are like Jon Snow of Game of Thrones Fame ... you know nothing.

 

In Nov of 2018 he starts coming over after work and on his breaks.

How silly of you.

I love him more than any man I've been with

Sadly, you don't know what love is and you equate it to stolen moments and tawdry goings on with a man that will never commit to you... but hey, he's safe.

 

Get yourself into therapy to help you with your love of self. If you can't love you (and you don't) then how the hell is anyone going to love you. He doesn't love you, he enjoys the sex and the chemical rush of strange.

Do I wait or leave?

Please, get real with yourself.

OP you are in for a rude awakening if you think that you will get any advice except dump his cheating a$$. I can't fathom how you can love someone whose life revolves around lying and betrayal of others. I am sure you will justify this by saying he is a "good person" but IMO, a good person doesn't cheat on their partner...they take responsibility and communicate with them and if that doesn't work, they end the relationship.

 

I am sure you will also justify to yourself that things will be "different" with you... and to that I say he is already treating you exactly the way he treats his wife... using you when it's convenient, making promises and not following through, cheating on you with her. Building a foundation for a relationship based on such behaviors is destined to fall apart as soon as a strong wind blows.

 

I am sure you will do what you want but if you are serious about getting advice... go and read the posts in the Infidelity part of this forum, listen to what people say here, and find a relationship where the person is committed to you and no one else.

and find a relationship where the person is committed to you and no one else.

Clearly she is afraid of that. The only women that put up with a lying cheater are afraid of commitment for some reason that only they know deep down. Any person who really wants a lifemate and that's her end dating goal would never settle for the dynamic this Op has placed herself in. That being willingly getting with a man she knew was married, flirting with him when she knows he's married and entertaining his pursuit.

His wife and kids will always be in the picture so if you're hoping for something miraculous like their complete disappearance and some kind of erasing of the past few years and his involvement as a family man, you may be very disillusioned.

 

I'm sensing that you've wanted something (a valid relationship) with him for so long that you've been rendered unable to tell good from bad or right from wrong. I'm disappointed for you because it's reduced you to someone who considers this man an option. He's not an option because he still has to work out what happens in his marriage and he needs to reconcile the fact that he's breaking up his family and leaving his kids (now in the plural too, it seems). Your best bet is to stay away from him and stop letting him use you as a crutch. You're not doing anyone any favours, least of all yourself. You've already wasted so much time. I hope you learn to rely on yourself more and learn to tell yourself you don't deserve situations like this.

I am by no means proud to be the OW but I need some advice.

He says he chooses me still, wants to marry me but he just wants to make the decision to leave her on his own. She has some test results coming back and once he has those results he will give me a time frame to leave. He says there must be some reason we can't stay apart.

 

I love him more than any man I've been with and I do want to be with him but he has went back to his wife 3 times now. Do I wait or leave?

 

 

OP, please do yourself a favor and LEAVE. He doesn't "choose you" because he has had multiple opportunities to do JUST that! Either because he still loves his wife or out of guilt, he cannot leave her. Does it really matter which it is if he keeps going back to her?

 

There is a reason you can't stay apart, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants to have you both on a thread without ever having to really CHOOSE one of you and stick to that choice. Clearly, she is never going to give up on him, clearly she has no problem forgiving repeated cheating on his part. You said it yourself- He went back to his wife THREE times. THREE. Does this sound like a man who's dying to marry YOU?

 

Actions speak louder than words. There is one person in this whole equation that I think this man genuinely loves- himself. End it. You deserve better and so does his wife. Please love yourself enough to know that someone who truly loves you will actually CHOOSE you and stay with you. It's like when you watch The Bachelor (Pardon the cheesy analogy, but it's still true) and when there are two women left and he says " I have no idea what to do!" If you "have no idea what to do" at that point, then you clearly aren't in love with either woman.

I am sorry, I mean no offence to you, but you show no self respect whatsoever.

 

This man keeps going back and forth like a freakin yo-yo and you keep taking him back and enabling this behavior. His wife has children with him, so I could sort of understand how she keeps taking him back as well.

 

He is lying to you both, at least in this situation you can walk away and never see him again, start clean, find someone new.

Are you serious? What exactly is complicated?

 

You helped an engaged and then married man cheat?

You are in love with a cheater?

You are in love with a liar?

 

This person is no man, he is a selfish person that uses everyone for his own wants and never takes responsibility for his actions.

 

Don't take him back, don't have children with him, don't buy a house with him!!!

 

Block him and look at yourself in the mirror with brutal honesty on how you became such a doormat for this guy. and please do not say Love made you do it...

 

Lost

Well, wow.

 

He's been running circles around you, from you to his wife and back again, that even I got whiplash just by reading this. And it was alot more than 3 times. According to what you wrote, your relationship was tenuous at best.

 

I'm not making light of your situation. I was there once myself, so I get it.

 

The thing is, there is so much drama packed into this "relationship" that it's gotta be creating some very heavy emotional baggage in you right now, only you're too blind with love to see it.

 

Am I correct in assuming that they have 2 children now? So she had another baby between all this time?

 

Girl, listen up, from the voice of experience. He has already proven that he can't just make a clean cut with his wife. If he could, he would have. She has asked you herself to stop communicating with him. She has children with him! Small children. And she mustered up the courage to ask you herself. That couldn't have been easy.

 

He is someone's father. He is also someone's life partner (hint: it's not you). You need to see this from another perspective besides yours. I am being completely serious and I am saying this with love. And you have to trust me on this... even in the best of circumstances, your potential life with this man is going to be filled with alot of heartache, and it's going to be hard.

 

No. Stop. He was never yours to begin with. You haven't done the right thing multiple times; do the right thing now. Go No-Contact today. It'll hurt, but it's best to hurt now than to cause a lot of other people a lifetime of pain.

 

I'm talking about his children. They are going to have to grow up talking about this affair while lying on a therapist's couch in oh, 15-30 years from now. Trust me on that one too.

 

I know you love him. But it's because you love him that you have to do what's right. C'mon now, girl. For real.

 

Good luck. Let us know how you're doing from time to time.

 

~LC

I love him more than any man I've been with and I do want to be with him but he has went back to his wife 3 times now. Do I wait or leave?

 

If you choose to wait for him you'll continue to be his accomplice, (and nothing more) while he cheats on his wife, or you can walk away with your self-respect intact.

 

Also, ask yourself where the grand prize is, in regards to a man who cheats on his wife.Keep in mind that if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you. Your call...

It's not too little self-respect, it's too much. There's very little which is more of a display of sheer ego than believing yourself worthy enough a man would leave a woman he exchanged vows with and children he's fathered to build a new life with you.

 

I'm sorry, but I extend as much sympathy to you as I would a man in your shoes. You swung and you missed. You thought you were Hank Aaron and you're not. Embrace the humility and move on. You're no victim.

He won't leave her and you're just a side piece to run to when things get tough with his wife/he gets bored with the husband/parent life.

Many or most eople who maintain a secret relationship do so in part because they have a difficulty being in truly intimate and monogamous. They are - consciously or subconsciously, afraid of being abandoned by their partner and afraid of being alone, and so they have a secondary relationship as a safety net.

 

If you were to end up in the #1 seat as wife or primary gf after a divorce, he would find a secondary relationship to protect himself from being alone, same as he does now.

 

I have some experience with this.

 

You may have some similar fears given that you've invested in a relationship that has many barriers built in. I suggest you pursue a journey of self discovery to see whether you prefer to be protected from the danger of someone knowing you in the unvarnished way that is revealed in a day to day, truly intimate, relationship. Are you afraid of being rejected, if someone really truly knew you as well as you know yourself? If someone saw you as a roommate, lover, and a partner ?

You are making informed choices all the way. If you think that he will treat you any better than his wife you are delusional. Lying and cheating is what he has to offer. What's wrong with you?

It's not too little self-respect, it's too much. There's very little which is more of a display of sheer ego than believing yourself worthy enough a man would leave a woman he exchanged vows with and children he's fathered to build a new life with you.

 

I'm sorry, but I extend as much sympathy to you as I would a man in your shoes. You swung and you missed. You thought you were Hank Aaron and you're not. Embrace the humility and move on. You're no victim.

 

I actually had something very similar to this written yesterday but forgot to hit send, jman said it though so no point in repeating.

 

To go a bit further, I know....I know, but you saying " I know, I know" as if you know better, but did it anyway does indeed prove you believe yourself to be different that somehow your situation is different, your situation is somehow deeper than the norm...

 

Deep down though it does show low self worth because you find yourself worthy if you take him from someone else.

I am by no means proud to be the OW but I need some advice.

 

My story begins back in 2014 with my co-worker. After a few months of us first meeting he added me on FB and we started chatting. He was supposedly separated from his GF and we chatted for awhile but I was enjoying the single life so we never met up and we ended up not talking as much. Then his GF got pregnant and I for sure left the picture. From here on out we continued to flirt at work but we didn't text anymore. Fast forward another year and him and the gf were having problems and we started talking again. She ended up messaging me on fb and asking me to not message him anymore so I stopped. For the next 3 years we just talked and half flirted at work but I didn't take him very seriously. Also, never met up in person outside of work.

 

Fast forward to April of 2018 a week before his wedding he sends me a drunken fb message about how I've always been his dream girl, he thinks we are soulmates and other shenanigans. I didn't respond because I knew he was drunk. He gets married on my birthday.

 

September 2018 he starts traveling for work and is always blowing up my phone and we start messaging every second of the day. He says he's not happy in the marriage and would leave her for me if I would give him a chance. I know...I know..

 

In Nov of 2018 he starts coming over after work and on his breaks.

 

In Jan 2019 on one of our dates he tells me he loves me and wants to figure out how to leave his wife. He tells her it's over and he's not happy, gives her his ring and she asks him to move out. He tells her he is staying with grandparents but is really at my house. That same week (on valentines day) he gets cold feet and goes back to her. She gets wind it was an affair and kicks him out again 3 days later. He lasts 6 days at my house before he goes back to her. The next day he is back to texting me saying he still loves her and me but doesn't know how to leave her and their kids. We continue our affair even though he has sworn to her its over.

 

April 1- he forgets to turn off location on his phone and is caught at my house. He moves in with me, she throws all his belongings in the yard and sends me their screen shots of him begging her back the whole time he is at my house. He brings one of his kids over to meet me, we look at houses but ultimately he breaks up with me for her again.

 

We went a week without talking or seeing each other but now he's back to texting and we did have sex again the other day, a day before their 1 year anniversary. He says he chooses me still, wants to marry me but he just wants to make the decision to leave her on his own. She has some test results coming back and once he has those results he will give me a time frame to leave. He says there must be some reason we can't stay apart.

 

I love him more than any man I've been with and I do want to be with him but he has went back to his wife 3 times now. Do I wait or leave?

 

Such drama!!!! Geez!

 

Ok that said, sometimes an unhappily married man will meet the "right" woman while married. My own dad was such man.

 

The difference beteeen my dad and your "guy" is that my dad immediately left the marriage, so this bs that your guy is trying to "figure out" how to leave his wife is complete and utter horse shyt.

 

As well as all the other drama, him leaving, going back, false promises, the list goes on.

 

Despite what you may wish to be believe about yourself, you are not "it" for him, the "right" one, otherwise he would have left and would be with you.

 

Re my beloved dad, he did have affairs while married to my mom, he was very unhappy, there were reasons for his unhappiness which I don't care to discuss now.

 

But he stayed, partly because of us ( myself and my brothers) we were very young but also because these affairs were frivolous, insignificant, a distraction.

 

I am not condoning, he cheated, no way getting around that, even he acknowledged to me years later that while married to my mom, he was a crap husband.

 

A very loving, caring and nurturing dad, but crap husband.

 

When he did meet his "the one" after many affairs and unhappiy years with my mom, he immediately left!!

 

There was not all this bs and drama you're experiencing. There was no him trying to "figure out" how to leave. Leaving, returning and other bs.

 

He sat us down, explained, then left. I acknowledge it was a very difficult time in my life.

 

And guess what? Once the divorce became final, he married my stepmom a year later, he never cheated on her; they actually had a beautiful marriage, entirely different from what he had with my mum.

 

My stepmom became and was the absolute love of his life until the day he died.

 

I am sorry OP, but you are just not "it" for him., the "one." There is nothing complicated about it except what you have chosen to create in your own mind.

You should definitely buy a house with him and have another one of his babies. That will make him never cheat again..for sure..

I tried to edit my earlier post but too late.

 

To add to it -- and despite his drunken claims that you were his "dream girl" and "soulmate" just one week prior to his wedding, he went ahead and married her anyway!!

 

OP, what does this tell you?

 

Seriously girl, please wake up.

 

I typically don't like to label people, but his behaviour sounds sociopathic, wreaking emotional havoc among everyone, his wife, you, and no doubt others.

 

You're "in love" w a freakin sociopath.

 

I feel sorry for his wife.

 

Best of luck.