Boyfriend's Friends from Hell

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 and a half years and I hate his 2 best friends. His childhood best friend is a jerk and has always been rude to me. He insults my personality, talks to me like a child (I’m 24). The first time I met him he was sleeping at my boyfriend’s house in another room and like most couples do, we started “cuddling”, hearing us, he proceeds to come into our bedroom and make fun of me and I ended up crying over it. After me and my boyfriend moved in together it got to a point where I would not come out of my bedroom if he was there because I couldn’t deal with being treated so awfully. When it finally hit me that he was a guest in my house, and started sticking up for myself my boyfriend would constantly tell me to leave his friend alone and not to “drag it out”. Once I finally stuck up for myself during a game night and it got so bad that I ended up being hospitalized because I wanted to kill myself - I have other stress-related and mental/behavioral health issues that contributed but my boyfriend knows about them and knows how easily I get worked up and never stopped his friend. He actually blamed me for arguing when I got home. When I asked him to not bring his friend to our house anymore but rather go to his friend’s house instead he agreed but a week later I came home from work and he was there with my boyfriend’s family (who absolutely love him so it makes it harder to get away). After my mom passed away in Nov 2018, he started being more civil with me, not “nice”, but not harassing and insult me. Things have been great but the other night we went out and took my car, and his friends started insulting me yet again about my music choices and the way my car looks (not messy, just things I can’t control like the style, etc.) I kept my mouth shut but I can’t go through all of this again with his best friend, the way my mental health is I cannot do it until I get proper treatment. His other best friend isn’t quite as bad, but I am interracial and he constantly makes racist jokes to my boyfriend, I’ve expressed my concern to both of them, my boyfriend understands but his friend doesn’t understand why I’m offended because I’m “not even that black” so-to-speak. He considers both of them like his brothers but I don’t want them in my life, I don’t want them at my future wedding and around my future children until they stop treating me this way. It’s frustrating because my boyfriend and I get along so wonderfully but his friends make it so hard to picture myself staying. I’ve dated an abusive boyfriend in the past and swore I would never let anyone else talk to me/treat me that way and although I’m so thankful my boyfriend is not like that, his friends make me feel like I’m still trapped

Normally people pick on others they know they can get a rise out of. They're bullies and prey on a reaction of some sort. You may not be the only one with behavioural issues. You seem very sensitive and that's understandable considering you've been living having your nerves grated on for so long by the same person. It would make most people defensive. Does your boyfriend's friend not have a girlfriend? He seems jealous and insecure because you're not able to get along with the group. His friend may also be sensing that there are changes in your boyfriend that are not positive. In other words, his friend may think that you are not a good influence. If you have been diagnosed or are on treatment, stick with your treatment or therapy. Know the triggers for your stress and learn to get them in control. A large part about stress management is prioritizing and limiting triggers, being proactive and minimizing surprises that cause anxiety and distress. Of course, not everything can be controlled but you owe it to yourself to limit those triggers as much as possible and practice new ways of healthy thinking/healthier techniques for dealing with stress in the moment.

At this time, you're depending on your boyfriend's friends to be civil or nice to you and when they fail your minimum expectations, you're upset. This is a normal reaction but you'll have to learn that you can't really control anyone. The only person you have control over is yourself. If people continuously fail your expectations, acknowledge it and do something about it. If you've really tried to make friends with them and they're still nasty, this really isn't your crowd.

I am interracial too (not black, asian/white). You may be just realizing that people can be rude, condescending, nasty in general. Part of the beauty of being interracial is that we get to see all sides of the coin and I think this is unique to interracial (or racially ambiguous-looking individuals). Different groups feel comfortable around us and we are neither accepted as one or the other completely in any racial group. The ones who do accept people like this generally don't look at skin colour and don't care. Those that do... you will always come across comments like this. There is nothing you can do about it except learn to be smarter and learn to observe more. I know all the ticks for different racial groups just by being around different people and looking the way I do. You'll get a lot of insight into a group of people or a person's psyche just observing. They are showing you what they are. It's your gift or your ability to observe and your choice what you want to do with all this information.

The issue is not his friends but HIM. I would be gone, period. I would not deal with a “bros before hoes” type of guy. To hell with that . And racial jokes, NOPE!

Oh dear, I hate how you feel you have to internalize this and blame yourself for not being able to handle this rude, insensitive, lack of a human being.

This isn’t about any sort of mental problems you may or may not have. This is about an a-hole who should go fall off a cliff.

And your boyfriend is no better, letting this go on. A man is judged by the company he keeps. I’d be questioning my attachment to the boyfriend right about now.

One racial comment should be enough for you to walk away forever from this entire situation. These guys, yes including your boyfriend, as he encourages it by allowing it, should be enough for you to realize how much better you are without all these jerks.

why on earth is this friend sleeping over when you guys live together? I understand they may have been roommates before, but its just insane that he spends the night. Honestly, your boyfriend should have stood up or you the first time the friend barged into the room. In otherwords, its not about the friends, its about your boyfriend who should have put him in his place or limited contact if he refused.

y boyfriend understands but his friend doesn’t understand why I’m offended because I’m “not even that black” so-to-speak.

it is not enough for him to understand - if he is not standing up for you at this point, then i would ditch him or have a long hard talk and if he fails to defend you - it means he thinks that kind of treatment is okay. I am not expecting him to pick your battles with your friends or with strangers or coworkers, but if he continues to listen to and allow his friends to abuse you like that - then you don't belong with him - he doesn't respect you.

Thank you, his best friend does have a girlfriend, who he has been with for about 6 years at this point (much longer than we've been together). I do try to limit myself with how much I have to be around his friends, if I dont need to be around I try hard not to be. I feel bad at that point because my boyfriend truly wants us to get along and cant/wont see how its effecting me. And he starts to feel bad because sometimes i dont feel included or he knows he cant include his best friend. I think its ridiculous that someone who should have no real bearing on our relationship brings it down so much.

Thank you, his best friend does have a girlfriend, who he has been with for about 6 years at this point (much longer than we've been together). I do try to limit myself with how much I have to be around his friends, if I dont need to be around I try hard not to be. I feel bad at that point because my boyfriend truly wants us to get along and cant/wont see how its effecting me. And he starts to feel bad because sometimes i dont feel included or he knows he cant include his best friend. I think its ridiculous that someone who should have no real bearing on our relationship brings it down so much.

And THAT is why the problem is your bf. He needs to tell the crappy friend to shut his mouth or get out.

why on earth is this friend sleeping over when you guys live together? I understand they may have been roommates before, but its just insane that he spends the night. Honestly, your boyfriend should have stood up or you the first time the friend barged into the room. In otherwords, its not about the friends, its about your boyfriend who should have put him in his place or limited contact if he refused.

 

y boyfriend understands but his friend doesn’t understand why I’m offended because I’m “not even that black” so-to-speak.

 

it is not enough for him to understand - if he is not standing up for you at this point, then i would ditch him or have a long hard talk and if he fails to defend you - it means he thinks that kind of treatment is okay. I am not expecting him to pick your battles with your friends or with strangers or coworkers, but if he continues to listen to and allow his friends to abuse you like that - then you don't belong with him - he doesn't respect you.

We werent living together at that point, I was just spending the weekend with him, and his friend had gotten locked out of his house or something and was sleeping on the couch. I have done everything from calmly explain my feelings to scream and yell in anger...everyone thinks im "too sensitive" even his family doesnt understand what "my problem is" because the friend is just such a nice guy!! (Sarcasm). My boyfriend has talked to both of them on at least one occasion im aware of, letting them know theyre upsetting me and he doesnt like it. They dont care, they continue to be jerks....my boyfriend is extremely nonconfrontational to the point where, yes, even if someone is treating me poorly he wont get too aggressive.

Then for the sake of your sanity this bf needs to go. No guy is worth this crap.

Ive also let my boyfriend know that if he is also angry and they dont care, i find it extremely disrespectful. It's one thing to not like your friends gf, but they are HIS friends??? They should at least have the respect to stop if it is upsetting him! (You'd think)

He is the issue. No spine. This relationship is not worth it.

We werent living together at that point, I was just spending the weekend with him, and his friend had gotten locked out of his house or something and was sleeping on the couch. I have done everything from calmly explain my feelings to scream and yell in anger...everyone thinks im "too sensitive" even his family doesnt understand what "my problem is" because the friend is just such a nice guy!! (Sarcasm). My boyfriend has talked to both of them on at least one occasion im aware of, letting them know theyre upsetting me and he doesnt like it. They dont care, they continue to be jerks....my boyfriend is extremely nonconfrontational to the point where, yes, even if someone is treating me poorly he wont get too aggressive.

It should not be "they are upsetting girlfriend" because that makes it like the problem is you being too sensitive. He should say "that's wrong." What they are saying is wrong, belittling, racist, etc.

It should not be "they are upsetting girlfriend" because that makes it like the problem is you being too sensitive. He should say "that's wrong." What they are saying is wrong, belittling, racist, etc.

Yes, true, thats a better use of words.

Any BF who would allow a friend to mistreat me would be gone. Period.

Any BF who would allow a friend to mistreat me would be gone. Period.

This ^^^. Your boyfriend is too spineless to stand up to his friend, no matter how inappropriate the guy is, and I doubt that this would be the only instance where your he shows a similar lack of backbone. Think very carefully - is this really someone who you want to share your life with? Someone who tries to justify completely unjustifiable racism to get along with his friend? Is this someone you feel has integrity, someone whose values you share, and who you'd want children with?

Speaking as a man, if any of my erstwhile friends harassed my GF as you describe, then they would be getting a beating on their way out my front door and my life.

How they treat you is disrespectful to say the least. You've focused on the friend as the problem. In actuality, it is your BF who is the problem.

1. He tolerates the behavior that harms you.

2. He hangs with jerks.

3. Tells you basically to tolerate it too.

Get rid of the BF and move on. You deserve better than this.