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Thread: Being called a very nasty insult by my partner - unsure whether to stay or leave

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    Being called a very nasty insult by my partner - unsure whether to stay or leave

    I've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months.

    We have had problems in the relationship in the past and it's been on and off for a while (partly because I travelled and spend months out of the country.) However, we got back together a few months ago now that I am back and I thought we were getting closer and we were talking about moving in together. We get on extremely well and have a lot of laughs and fun together, we have great sex and we have similar interests.

    Anyway, on our way back from a restaurant this weekend, I realised we would be sort of passing my sister's land (and she was spending the day there). He had dodged every opportunity to meet my family and friends. I sort of sprung it on him and suggested we go visit and meet her, just briefly. I've met some of his family but he's never seemed interested in meeting mine. He was resistant but also needed to use the restroom so agreed.

    However, we saw very heavy traffic on our way there because it turns out there was a festival we didn't know about and he realised we'd be sitting in that traffic on our way back. He turned nasty and started yelling and berating me about my decision to make this detour (because of the traffic it meant we'd probably miss our plans for the evening, which were plans we could easily reschedule as it was just a walk around a lake.) I got the strong impression he really didn't want to meet her and he seemed really nervous. I got upset and said, "fine, sit in the car, if you really don't want to go in." He then said "why are you being such a c--t".

    I said "OK, we'll not go" and turned the car around. Then he started yelling about how we were now sitting in the traffic for nothing and called me crazy, and where was he going to go to use the restroom etc. So I turned around and went back, actually feeling like a crazy person by that point.

    We ended up going to visit my sister but it was very tense as we'd just had the worst row ever and were trying to act normal.

    When we got out I cried. I was absolutely horrified and furious.

    And then on the way back, the traffic had dispersed anyway and there was no traffic jam. So all that anger and nastiness was for nothing! We even had time for a lake walk.

    How do you come back from a thing like this?

    He called me a spastic once before too, in a nasty way, for some mistake I made that was silly, and we had a blazing row about it. I'm not sure I can give him another chance.

    I'm not sure what to do.

    He did apologise and we made up in person but when I got home I felt awful, I texted him and told him I need time to work out if I can forgive this and I'll contact him when I'm ready. I also told him no way are we ready to move in together and that he has anger issues. He took it very badly and sent me texts blaming me for the whole thing and called me crazy, sending stuff like 'whatever, I'm bored of this now'. He also said I was just looking for an excuse for dump him because I'd had a change of heart before this happened (not true).

    He does have a foul mouth and throws these kinds of words out, in a sort of banter sometimes about his friends. But it was said with real venom. And he heaped blame and contempt on me the day after as if it was all my fault which made it worse. He claims to love me and wants to move in together but his attitude absolutely stinks.

    I was in an abusive relationship (briefly) before with someone who hit me, once. I left immediately but I am very wary of any kind of abuse now, verbal, or emotional because I know it can be a slippery slope. I don't think this guy would ever hit me, but with insults like that and then the emotional abuse that followed it, it felt like being punched in the gut but with words.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Abusive relationships typically have the mean/sweet cycles you describe. Get into therapy to discuss what abuse is and what healthy relationships look like. Do not waste any more time thinking you can fix and change him.

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    Thanks for your reply. So I am definitely in an abusive relationship?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Research and google "abusive relationships", "warning signs of abusers" and "cycle of violence". Educate yourself and dump him asap. Make an appt with a therapist asap if you are even questioning this.
    Originally Posted by carly1983
    Thanks for your reply. So I am definitely in an abusive relationship?

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I think maybe youíre finding out who he really is. Just let him go.

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    OK. It is sinking in that he is an abuser. I think I knew underneath but didn't want to face up to it. It is good to have someone else's point of view as validation. I do know what I need to do.

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    Thank goodness you can get out now !

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Carly, I think it's silly to throw the word 'abuser' around every time you don't get along with someone. It diminishes the concept of abuse that some people are truly suffering.

    He's simply not right for you if you're having these issues. He gets angry and calls you names. If you're not willing to accept his moods, then you need to leave.

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    Sarah Lancaster, did you actually read any of the post? In your view, what should we call people who verbally abuse others regularly - maybe you would like to come up with a different, special word for them? I've been physically abused before, it is definitely not a word I use lightly or "throw around every time I disagree with someone". You're assuming a lot about me & this relationship, which makes me think you haven't bothered to read my post. I don't need dismissive, uninformed responses like yours at a time like this.

    Thank you for all the other responses. I know what my next step has to be.
    Last edited by carly1983; 04-23-2019 at 09:01 AM.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your instincts are correct that something is really wrong and that ending it is best. Not all verbal/emotional abuse leads to physical abuse but all physical abuse begins with verbal/emotional abuse. Too many people stick their heads in the sand far to long thinking "we don't get along, we argue too much, they're just stressed, etc." until they are in too deep. You're smart to cut your losses.
    Originally Posted by carly1983
    what should we call people who verbally abuse others regularly. I know what my next step has to be.

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