Will ignoring him really work?

So this guy (M 31) and I (F 20) met around 8 months ago and started hooking up about 4 months ago. When I met him I was keeping my sex and love life fairly casual and honestly didn't intend to develop feelings for anyone. We started hanging out as friends wich naturally migrated to hooking up every few weeks. Over the course of these 4 months, I developed some pretty strong feelings for him. I never said anything about them in the hopes that maybe they would go away. After many anxious weeks, I very casually asked him what he thought about our situation and told him I was starting to feel something more (Which was a lie cause I was already crushing pretty hard at this point). He was in agreement and said he was starting to feel a hint of something more as well.

 

So then a week or two went by and we wound up hooking up again. This time, however, felt insanely passionate and almost too emotionally intense for me. After, while we were cuddling I told him that I definitely liked him and I wasn't sure what to do about it. He said he had feelings for me too but wasn't expecting to feel that way for anyone right now.

 

Now, this all sounds fine and dandy but my feelings for him caused me to be a bit "on call" for him. I must say that he has never once "booty called" me or hit me up for the sole purpose of sex. Its been after we've hung out with mutual friends, gone out just the two of us, or hung out at his place. We are both pretty busy during the weekdays, so most of our time spent together is on the weekends. However, I have felt that the last 2 months the only person initiating anything has been me. After realizing that my feelings were much more developed than his, I decided that I would take a step back from him. If he texts me or wants to hang out I'll definitely respond but I'm not asking him to hang out or be the driving force for us to have sex (cause its usually me:friendly_wink: ). I want to give him some space and see if he initiates anything more. I don't mean to ignore him completely but just see what he does if I'm not so available. I'd ideally like to spend more one on one time getting to know him and less on sex. My simple question is this a good idea? I really would like a second thought on this from a guy or girl's perspective.

No ignoring wont work...

 

Anything short of pulling up your big girl panties, owning your sh*t, and speaking up about your wants and desires isnt going to work.

 

Youre leading with your sexuality. Not a judgement, you wont be the first you wont be the last, but you're doing one thing and expecting different results.

 

By leading with sex and convincing yourself you were ok with the status quo, he kinda gets to have his cake and eat it too, youre so busy thinking you will crack him, you arent hearing him. He told you in so many words, NO. With dating many say anything but a yes should be inferred as a 'no'.

 

You can pretend to be the cool, down for whatever girl till the cows come home, if its not who you are its not who you are. Stop trying to trick him, youve asked indirectly and hes answered indirectly, for some that would be enough, again anything but a yes... so tell him directly, you want to date him, if he isn't interested he wont be able to avoid owning it and youll have your answer.

It likely won't work the way you want it to, no.

 

It might get him to notice your absence and take the initiative to contact you, but I very much doubt it will cause him to take things further than the casual arrangement you two have. He knows how you feel and hasn't really reciprocated in a way that suggests you and he are headed towards something more serious.

No, ignoring someone wont work. It wont work unless they have feeling for you. Someone people may be curious and wonder where you went and look you up but other that that. Most people Ive ignores have either left things and never came back or if they did come back it was just to see if you were still alive.

 

One they found out you are alive and you reply. They think less of you because you hadn't been in contact. it works both ways.

Yes, I'm sorry but I agree with the others. I know you didn't mean to develop feelings for this guy, now that you have them, it's your job to protect yourself. I think the age difference is playing a role here. He knows your inexperienced to some degree and that he can play games. Stop being indispensable for someone who is treating you like a casual option. It communicates the opposite of how you actually feel, and it's okay to want more.

Playing hard to get seems a bit ironic in a fwb situation. It's doubtful it will effect his feelings or behavior or attitude. Are you hoping to date exclusively or have a bf/gf relationship? Why not be clear and honest rather than continue playing these immature coy and cool-girl games? If you want an exclusive gf/bf relationship, you need to speak up.

Ignoring him won't work. If he already has one foot out the door and doesn't feel the same for you, the end result will be that he won't text at all. Maybe he will after a week or two, but it will stop again. He won't initiate since he's not really invested.

 

If he does have feelings for you, then it's best to have a talk and not play games.

You guys are right. Its time to move on. Thanks for the advice!

What exactly are you looking for?

 

If he texts me or wants to hang out I'll definitely respond but I'm not asking him to hang out or be the driving force for us to have sex (cause its usually me ). I want to give him some space and see if he initiates anything more. I don't mean to ignore him completely but just see what he does if I'm not so available. I'd ideally like to spend more one on one time getting to know him and less on sex. My simple question is this a good idea? I really would like a second thought on this from a guy or girl's perspective.

 

From a guy's perspective you are a great FWB with pehaps a chance of something more.

 

Is that what you really want?

What exactly are you looking for?

 

 

 

From a guy's perspective you are a great FWB with pehaps a chance of something more.

 

Is that what you really want?

 

Are you asking if thats what I want to hear or if I really want something more with him?

 

I do want something more with him, but I want to hear an honest opinion/advice from people who aren't my friends or family. Sometimes is hard to get an unbiased opinion with friends and family, and I'm having a hard time making a clear judgment about our relationship.

Ignoring probably won't work to capture his heart, it might intrigue him if he's the type who gets turned on by a challenge but it won't stick unless you always remain a challenge which trust me is exhausting!

 

BTDT, never again. Plus his feelings aren't genuine, it's the challenge..

 

That said, walking away may change things as by walking away you are respecting yourself and your values, which in turn might gain his respect, thus causing him to realize feelings he may not have realized while you were his "on call" girl and not respecting yourself.

 

There have been a ton of threads on this forum from guys who admittedly either treated their girlfriends like crap, took them for granted and/or didnt think they loved them, and as soon as she ended the relationship and walked away, pow suddenly he realized how totally in love with her he is and creates a thread asking how to get her back!!

 

Admitting he treated her poorly during the relationship, and wasn't sure how he felt.

He said he had feelings for me too but wasn't expecting to feel that way for anyone right now.

That "right now" says a whole lot more then the two words that it is. He's telling you what you want to hear without committing to anything other then what it is, I think. That being said, if you want more then you are going to have to ask him what it is he would like to see happen with the two of you and if his answer isn't straight forward "I want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship with you" then you'd do well to end the FWB with him, rehab from the chemical addiction that the sex put you in and then figure out your end dating goal or you're going to find yourself falling for yet another eff buddy in the future.

 

If you're going to do casual just to scratch and itch then in the future, you best not do the bonding rituals you've been doing with this guy.

 

Bottom line: Communicate what you want (if you are sure you want it, you don't seem to have a romantic relationship goal) and see if he wants it too and that he lets you know in no uncertain terms. Get out if he doesn't want the same thing you do.

Walk away, and don't look back.

 

He has told you what is on offer, so take him at his word.

 

If it is not what you want, don't go there.

Are you asking if thats what I want to hear or if I really want something more with him?

 

I do want something more with him, but I want to hear an honest opinion/advice from people who aren't my friends or family. Sometimes is hard to get an unbiased opinion with friends and family, and I'm having a hard time making a clear judgment about our relationship.

 

What I think Ray is asking is what are you looking for in being with this person? Are you looking to date him, be in a casual hookup, be in a relationship,.... What are you looking for at this stage of your life? You're 20, and he's 31. That's a huge gap when it comes to where a person is at that stage of their life (maturity, career, family goals, what they're looking for in a mate,...).

This has bad news written all over it. You've already stated your feelings. A man who really is ready to legit let you into his life and roll out the red carpet, would be initiating dates and treating you like a queen. Please don't mistake his passive receptiveness to sex invites as any sort of indication that he wants you as something more in his life. You should never be second guessing where he stands or whether he likes or feels deeper feelings for you. This just doesn't exist right here. The frequency of your hook ups also seems suspect and I'm more or less certain he's seeing other women or has emotional ties to more than one woman. There was no mention of exclusivity here even as fwbs.

 

Leave him alone. I think your heart as gotten ahead of you.

Are you asking if thats what I want to hear or if I really want something more with him?

 

I do want something more with him, but I want to hear an honest opinion/advice from people who aren't my friends or family. Sometimes is hard to get an unbiased opinion with friends and family, and I'm having a hard time making a clear judgment about our relationship.

 

Sorry I missed that WR. I was asking if you were happy to be an FWB, available at his whim, with only a vague comfort statement that he might change his views at some non defined time in the future.

 

It seems that you are not satisfied with that, hence my suggestion to walk away from it.

He likes you and he likes the sex. Want to see how much he likes you, stop the sex. I'll wager you won't here from him anymore.

 

If you ignore him, the end result will just be less sex. He's told you how he feels. Younger men generally LOVE LOVE LOVE free non-committal sex and will skirt the boundaries of honesty to procure and keep it.

You say you have developed feelings, but you two are not just hooking up for sex, you are having dates. And the foundation of a romantic relationship is dates, ongoing - and again, you have that. It sounds like you already have a budding relationship.

 

What specifically do you want from this relationship/man? Do want to have an exclusive talk?