Secret

A permanent tenant moved in next door to me over 6 months ago, his wife ended their marriage so he left for a rental to do the right thing by his youngest daughter still living at home so she could have stability until she finishes her HSC & goes off to uni. He made lots of effort to be friendly towards me & we quickly became friends. I soon became addicted in his company as he was just such a nice man, that I ended up initiating intimacy between us which he was very unsure about at first because he's in an unusual circumstance. We've been intimate for about 3 months now & he committed to a relationship with me approximately 2 months ago when I begun dating another man and he thought he was going to loose me to him, so he quickly made a bid for me & I had to follow my heart, which was with him, I was only getting to know another man because he kept telling me he couldn't give me what i wanted. He was against getting involved with me in any close form besides friendship, or anyone else intimately too to begin with as he was avoiding women in general, but I guess he enjoyed my company so much & was attracted to me that he eventually couldn't help himself. He said he wasn't ready for another relationship as he was only about 10 months out of a 30 year marriage in which the wife ended it. But here we are in a relationship, but it's a secret relationship, he doesn't want anyone he knows knowing we're involved. He is waiting until his youngest daughter 17 turns 18 in 6 1/2 months time, then he is going to file for divorce & try to buy his wife out of their property. If his wife found out about him moving on with me, she would probably file early & while their daughter's still under 18 she could be entitled to more of a percentage and be able to keep their property & he would loose it & come out with less than he's worked for all his life. He's gone as far as introducing me to his two daughters which think i'm just his neighbour & friend that hang out together occasionally, and he's taken me to his place of work one night to show me around his office & makes other great efforts to help bridge the gap in my insecurities, he has taken me out for dinner a couple of times locally but i'm really struggling now, I didn't realise how hard it would be being a secret, as when we're locally in town he doesn't want to hold my hand to be seen as hard evidence there's anything more to us than what he could defend or fabricate the truth about if questioned by someone who knows him who could potentially get back to his wife. I don't know how to cope with my heightened emotions of insecurity as I'm so fearful that he could be leading me on with empty promises of a future together at his property after he gets it from his wife & he buys me things & does things for me which I've never had a man spend so much money on me before & I know he's in a high paying job so can afford to but I get frightened that he's trying to buy me over for company while he's bored & lonely, until he gets his property & life back, then if he let me go, I don't know how I would deal with such hurt. He assures me he's with me 100% and I have all of him & he's a good person & doesn't like hurting anyone & is honest & true with his intentions towards me, but i've watched him lie to his daughters, mates & work colleagues about me to them & I wonder if he lies to me too, or if he's just doing this because he doesn't want to loose me but can't let everyone know about me yet, else he'd loose his financials/home. I don't know what he could possibly do to guarantee he wants me in his future & he said all he can do is give me his word. He also hasn't been able to tell me he loves me, which is playing heavily on my mind, as the closest he has said is he has very strong feelings for me & they're definitely there & he's infatuated with me etc, but yet he still won't say those three words to me. Could this be because he doesn't really love me yet, or never will, is he just using me leading me on, how do I know how genuine & sincere he is, when I've not seen him around all the people in his life to decipher my opinion on how legitimate of a human he is. I only really know him with me. I still can't shake my fears as it's such a high risk I'm taking putting my heart on the line & if at the end of it all he decided to end it with me, no one in his life would judge him or critisise or question his character, because they would never have known about my existence in his life, so he could get away with doing wrong by me so easily without the repercussions of his reputation being tarnished.

Break this up into paragraphs and you'll get more reads, OP.

Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Google it. It will help clarify what is going on here as a well has help you identify situations that just waste your time, energy and emotions.

You're only hearing one side of the story. I've never heard of a child being entitled to property when both spouses are alive where a divorce is concerned. He would have to pay child support until she turns 18, which is the only con I can think of for him to wait.

You don't know if the divorce will ever happen, nor do you even know, 100%, what info is being kept from you. You pursued a mess and now you will have to extricate yourself, because a relationship that is secret is never the right one for you.

I'd tell him: When I will no longer be a secret, you can contact me and see if I'm single and available.

If you cling to a man when the situation makes you upset on a daily basis, your self worth needs a lot of work.

Sorry but I think this does not sound good...I think regardless of what the circumstances are, nobody deserves to be a secret. I understand that the guy you're seeing is in a difficult situation but what's in this for you? Do you want a guy that just buys you things, but won't acknowledge you as his girlfriend, or do you want a real boyfriend? I think the big giveaway here is that he hasn't said that he loves you and it's been over six months.

Even if let's just say hypothetically he can't tell anyone about you, telling you that he loves you would not harm anyone at all. That would just be between you and him. When you love someone it's so easy to say it, it just rolls off the tongue. So I think if he just can't say it then there's your answer really.

Also keep in mind that he initially did not pursue you, it was you that hit on him. He only started "dating" you because you began seeing another guy. Just because he got possessive and territorial doesn't mean he's actually in love with you. It's very normal to get jealous in this situation.

This guy said that he's nice and would never hurt anyone. Maybe he's not trying to hurt you deliberately but he is on a major rebound and probably still really hurting from the break-up and not completely over his wife. He had not been single very long so he's not ready for another relationship, which is clear. I think you made a prime mistake to go after a guy straight out of a long-term marriage break-up.

Also I only just saw the part where you said that he doesn't even hold your hand out in public. Seriously, most likely nobody he knows would even see you two holding hands. I think the reason why he's hiding you is actually because he's secretly really hoping to reconcile with his ex-wife. She was the one that ended it so I think he's not over her at all.

My thoughts are he's still married, hasn't yet filed for divorce, and is nowhere near ready to begin another relationship. I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but the writing is on the wall.

Hopefully you'll make the right choices, and see this as "it is what it is."