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Hi everyone, I'll try to keep this somewhat short. My (ex) girlfriend, MaKena, and I dated for 6 months and we just broke up almost two weeks ago. We're 24 and 22 years old (I'm 22). We know each other from our hometown but I didn't ever talk to her until like 8 months ago. We had a great relationship with tons of happiness and also our fair share of problems that would arise. There weren't many problems, but our most recent problem ended up with us breaking up. MaKena comes from a split family life and has TONS of unresolved issues in her life that was very obvious to me while dating her. For example, she didn't want to see me too often because she didn't want to get too attached. I helped her take her walls down and to let me in and she was very emotional about that and made efforts to do so. She meant everything to me and I was willing to help her. She has a roommate who's been her best friend for years and she just so happens to be gay. I have nothing against gay people, but this roommate of hers did NOT like me and made that very obvious. MaKena says she owes her roommate her life for everything they've been through together, so she takes her opinion very very seriously. Megan is her name and she didn't like me one bit. In fact, if I was over at their apartment and we were both there at the same time, she would throw a little tantrum because "she's not comfortable with me there." She's very sensitive. Fast forward now to recently... we were having one of the best days of our relationship. We went to a movie and then the dog park and then went home and went to a bar with her roommate, Megan. They knew a bartender so we got free drinks. We all got pretty intoxicated and Megan hugged MaKena and mentioned something about how gay she is or something (idek). Megan then asks me something about being gay, so I respond with a question of my own. This was very insensitive what I said. I said "do you think being gay is a mental illness of some kind?" Again, very insensitive and I apologized immediately the next day for it and said that's not how I really feel and that was just a stupid thing I said and I'm sorry for it. Anyways after I asked that question it killed the mood for the night and rightfully so. It was dumb of me. So later once I sober up we leave and everything was fine but it was kinda awkward. MaKena and I said goodbye and our I love you's. Little did I know this would be the LAST words I would hear come from her mouth. Fast forward a few days and I haven't heard a peep out of MaKena. I was concerned and decided to text her and I basically said I know you're upset with my comment from the other day and I'm so sorry for that and I just want to talk to you about it. She basically responded with saying that Megan tried killing herself.... over my comment only. Nothing else. Just what I said. I felt horrible at first because that obviously isn't something I want to happen and I started apologizing immediately. MaKena was calling me this terrible person and she couldn't even look at me if I was in front of her and she didn't know if she could stay with someone as immature and horrible as I am. Now, I already apologized for this many times and I feel horrible about saying it, but at the same time, honestly get over it??? MaKena and I went back and forth because I started to stand up for myself and say I didn't deserve to be treated like a monster for saying something stupid that I apologized for. Yes, you can be mad at me but come on, I don't think it warrants everything else. So she basically said she doesn't think she can be with me anymore after that. So I panic and go speak to her mom and her sister about it. I went there because I was concerned for MaKena and her situation. She has a suicidal roommate and MaKena told me that she, MaKena, has been having panic attacks and hasn't ate for days because of all this that I caused with one dumb question. She got super pissed because I went to her mom and she hates whenever I talk to her family without her there (she has family issues) so that basically nailed the coffin shut. She said she was done and was at peace with everything and wishes I could get there too. This all happened OVER TEXT in ONE DAY. I've gone strictly no-contact for almost 2 weeks now and haven't heard a word from her at all. Is she really over me from this ONE thing? This was so sudden and I don't know what to think of it. I almost feel like we're playing a waiting game on who will cave and ask for each other back. Personally knowing her, she definitely won't do that. I really do love her and care for her and want her back. I've been thinking about calling her and hopefully leaving her a message on voicemail to apologize for everything I did by disrespecting her and basically tell her how much she meant to me and all that. Is that a good idea? I don't know what else to do. Help me please..

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You've already apologized.

 

You do realize gay people deal with all sorts of discriminatory comments, questions, behaviors, etc. that hetero people don't experience. It's very difficult for many gay people.

 

One of my adult children is gay. A coworker once said during a conversation "Oh, you can fix that!" Like being gay meant my adult child was broken or something. I have never forgiven him for that comment, not because he's not entitled to his beliefs (he most certainly is, as is everyone), but because he knew my adult child is gay and said it to me anyway without even thinking it might be hurtful.

 

Do you actually believe being gay is a mental illness? Or did you say that because you dislike your ex's roommate personally?

 

And yeah, going to her mom? Bad move #2.

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I'm sure they do deal with tons of comments that eat at them. It's not something that I'm personally familiar with so I honestly can't relate. As far as how I really feel, I'm not sure. I think it's something that you're just born with and can't change it and there's nothing wrong with that. At times I wonder if it's something with the wiring in our brain or something idk. It was clearly insensitive and I realize that. But to supposedly try and kill yourself over my comment alone...? No... not buying it. There's clearly more to it. She has tons of issues anyways so I know it wasn't just what I said. Not to downplay what I said, because it wouldn't help anything at all, but there's no way one comment would do that. I personally don't like her anyways because she's never liked me.

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My brother was gay, and I have always had gay friends.. If someone said that to me, I would have been done, too. People do not just say that crap, it is something that they truly feel- the alcohol loosened your tongue. Educate yourself, dude!

 

She should have dumped you sooner! You sound like a super-sensitive guy. Not.

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See, and from my point of view it's an honest question. There's no need to be offended by literally everything you hear. You act like I said "wow, I hate every gay person on earth." Yeah, not quite. I have OCD and general depression but if someone made a depression joke to me I wouldn't care. Life is what you make it and if you get offended by anything and everything, then that must be a pretty lousy lifestyle.

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You absolutely have the right to express your opinions.

 

Just like your ex had the right to break up with you over it.

 

If you can't even accept that you deeply offended her and her very close friend, how can you possibly think you have any chance of convincing her to get back together?

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See, and from my point of view it's an honest question. There's no need to be offended by literally everything you hear. You act like I said "wow, I hate every gay person on earth." Yeah, not quite. I have OCD and general depression but if someone made a depression joke to me I wouldn't care. Life is what you make it and if you get offended by anything and everything, then that must be a pretty lousy lifestyle.

 

And, look where the comment got you. You have learned nothing.

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I do accept that I deeply offended her and I feel terrible for making that comment. It's not something that I think is her fault, it's clearly my fault. But just because I've never been exposed to that community and their thoughts then how am I supposed to understand? I want to understand where they both are coming from but I just don't.

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I care about all people. To sit there and think I hate the gay community is a lie. I know they have a different lifestyle and encounter different things in life that someone like me would never understand. I know they're people and I respect everyone. It's a complete overreaction to take a stupid and insensitive question and make it sound like I hate the entire community.

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I never said that.

 

Your comment was insensitive. Time to learn what is appropriate, and what is not- I apply this to many areas. I suggest that you expose yourself to the gay community to expand yourself. Gays make up 10% of the population. It sounds like you live in a bubble.

 

You still have not taken responsibility, and don't get it. I am certain this is how you approach many things in life. I am also certain that your ex saw through your insincerity, as we do here. "It's a complete overreaction "

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While I think your comment was every bit of insensitive and careless as you all claim it to be, I call bull on this situation. It is obvious you believe there is foul play here. Hard not to think otherwise. You acknowledged your mistake, apologized, and are keen to make it right. Unless if you are a repeat offender who never learns, people are human and make mistakes. If her roommate was seriously suicidal and it was as bad as it's been made out to be, why wasn't anyone reaching out towards a hospital, any mental health professional, or the police? Given the background, it is all too convenient for the friend. She doesn't get the repercussions for going to treatment for her own good (i.e. held against her will in hospital), all the while gaining sympathy for a hidden motive (gaining your ex's trust/side/feelings/whatever).

 

Homosexual people are more prone to mental illness, only because they tend to suffer more societal pressure due to their different lifestyle. It doesn't mean homosexuality is a mental illness at all. However, the difference between actually being suicidal versus using it to get your own way is clear here. Being around both situations, if the person is genuine usually they have nothing to gain from their attempt (besides rehab) and get professional help. Those who are disingenuine use their suicidal "episode" as leverage for their own benefit. They will use guilt and be against any intervention. I do not know the entire situation, but if there is nothing else of importance then I believe this is the case of the latter.

 

That said, even if this is the case, you had no chance from the very beginning. If your ex is so easily manipulated by her friend against you, whether it is justified or not, you will always lose. Now, in the past and future. Unless she has a great epiphany, do not expect this relationship to ever last. At a mere 6 months, it shouldn't be this unnecessarily complicated. It is best to let it be and move on. Whether you are in the right or wrong, the lesson here doesn't change; use more discretion in the future and don't get involved with a lover who closely keeps toxic people (i.e. a "friend" who has ulterior motives towards her) in her life she is easily manipulated by. She should have known you enough by now if you are a good or bad person. It is insane one comment led her to believe you are a bad person. She allowed this to happen. That's all.

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You opened up this post by slanting the picture by telling us how messed up she is and how much you helped her. Maybe so, but possibly the walls you were going up against was in actuality her not being that into you or at least not as invested.

 

If you two were really tight you might be able to overcome an insensitive comment like this. But it doesn't appear you had a strong foundation to begin with.

 

You went to her family in spite of already knowing it would upset her further.

 

It could very well be everything you described, two fragile women in a codependent relationship. - sometimes, if we paint them ugly, it makes being dumped easier. But ultimately there is nothing to learned by it.

 

OR , she simply may not be into you.

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I appreciate your comments on my post. The previous two before this one make the most sense to me. I will say this again because I didn't stress it enough. I felt absolutely terrible for saying my one comment. I apologized and told her that I know only time will heal this and I look to better educate myself on this topic that I have ZERO familiarity with. Notice how the people crucifying me on this post have a close family member who is gay. That's not very accepting of you guys to not see it from my point of view. Anyways, Megan, her suicidal roommate, has never liked me and made that clear. I was told that when she found out we were dating she started bawling. She has tons of issues anyways and it even got to the point where she has an emotional support dog prescribed to her. That's just a little background on her.... THAT'S why I don't think my one comment alone could send someone to that distance. Megan has always been the little bird chirping in MaKena's ear telling her things and convincing her to go against me. This is just a fact. I know what I said was wrong, but I also believe that Megan used the situation to her advantage to kick me out. I've always thought she has feelings for my ex and wants her to herself, as far fetched as that may sound.

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I still stand behind what i wrote previously. If you two were solid, she would be so easily influenced.

 

I wasn't there, but if you are going by way of insisting they are two mentally fragile women, then I don't what exactly there is to fight for.

 

Calling her friend an emotional support dog is insulting to the both of them, by-the-way. Add that to the comment about being homosexual and can't help but wonder why you are in a pickle.

 

I get you don't understand what the big deal is and I suspect you are missing the point here. But it is important - to them.

That's all you need to know.

You don't have to agree with it.

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It's all good. I just can't believe this went down over text messages in one days time. I have a hard time believing any of this and I hope you all can see my skepticism on what's being said behind closed doors from Megan to MaKena. All of my friends, family, and even her family feel the same way and know something not good is happening. It truly is a toxic environment for the both of them and I really do feel bad for MaKena. She doesn't know nor understand. She's stuck in it though and has no other option than to accept that as her life. Being Megan's parent. It was never a two-sided relationship. Megan was always put in between us because MaKena never wanted to upset her because of hers issues and having no friends. It really is a sad situation. I know it's easy to say "well why would you even want to be with someone like that?" And I honestly don't... But I love MaKena and loved the idea of her. Love is sacrificing and I feel that's what I did and still would do if given the change.

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I have a small update and I'll be honest with you. I called her and left a voicemail just to apologize for my wrongdoings in our last argument (the last time we ever talked) and said I couldn't let us go out on such a bad note. Clearly I did this out of desperation. I never heard anything back from her so this just solidifies that she doesn't care and most likely never did care. It's a harsh reality. I don't think she will ever have a real relationship until she can address her issues first, and that will take years of work. I feel better now that I got it off of my chest, but it's still sad to see this all end the way it did. I thought she was the one for a short period of time so it's disappointing.

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It honestly sounds like you probably said that out of drunkenness because you didn't like the gay roommate's attitude towards you.

 

That being said, I believe this emotional roommate took your inappropriate comment and ran with it as a chance to get rid of you. I'd also be willing to guess this roommate has a thing for your ex. It would explain their distaste for you. It's not the first time I've seen the situation.

 

Can't change what happened. If she won't forgive, it's time to move on. You don't only have to get along with your spouse, it usually helps to get along with most of their friends and family as well.

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It honestly sounds like you probably said that out of drunkenness because you didn't like the gay roommate's attitude towards you.

 

That being said, I believe this emotional roommate took your inappropriate comment and ran with it as a chance to get rid of you. I'd also be willing to guess this roommate has a thing for your ex. It would explain their distaste for you. It's not the first time I've seen the situation.

 

Can't change what happened. If she won't forgive, it's time to move on. You don't only have to get along with your spouse, it usually helps to get along with most of their friends and family as well.

 

I agree with you in the entirety. I can't stress enough how bad I feel for making that comment because I hate making people upset, especially someone so close to my ex, who I cared about more than anyone. But yes, she definitely to my comment and held that to me and MaKena at gunpoint. She got what she wanted eventually. I mean she did graduated from state school with a Psychology degree AND works in a psychological field AND has tons of her own problems. Her line of work for sure doesn't help her, in fact, it makes her worse. Nonetheless, MaKena and her are super close and I know Megan has feelings for MaKena. they have a weird relationship where they would give up anything to keep each other happy.. it's so so so soo weird. I get being there for your friends in tough times and sticking up for them, but to go to the furthest limits literally? RED FLAG. I know I need to move on and I will in time, it's just sad that I expected some care and compassion. I received absolutely none of that.

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To add to that, I got along with every single one of her family members and they loved me. They were actually pretty upset with MaKena for her actions after this all went down. For her other friends who aren't Megan, they all thought I was a great guy too and enjoyed being around me. So.... this is just unfortunate and flat out WEIRD.

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