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Thread: Conflicted: Do I give up or fight for her?

  1. #1

    Conflicted: Do I give up or fight for her?

    My story is a complicated one to say the least...

    My ex and I broke up 5 months ago and it was the most unexpected, gut-wrenching and heartbreaking experience. She was my first love and honestly I feel like my one and only love although she is already in another relationship and has been since we broke up essentially...

    We were best friends in high school and then in college it turned into something more. I did not realize I was gay until her, but she has apparently known for a lot longer so her coming out process was a lot easier than mine. So we stayed closeted for almost 2 years... which as anyone can imagine put a lot of strain on our relationship. We came out quickly to all of our friends, her family and her coworkers. It was my family and majority of my coworkers that did not know. I struggled with being gay which impacted her more than I realized. We both really did not realize this impact until we have had time apart from each other. I had a lot of growing up to do, a lot of to work on and ultimately I needed to love who I am as a person which I finally do it just took me some time and honestly space away from her.

    My family played a huge role in our demise as when I came out blew up with my family. My ex was part of my family and they treated her like she was nothing. I was in such a horrible position because my family was hating that I was gay and blaming her so I was stuck in the middle of two important elements of my life... I didnt make her number one enough or choose her enough. So about 4 months before our final split she studied abroad and ended up hooking up with someone (we were on a break) so now this is the person she is with. I just feel like this is an escape because she still reaches out to me all the time...

    There are so many details involved in this story but the jist is that I messed up and lost the love of my life and my best friend. I want her back more than anything because our relationship would be completely different because I am a completely different person. I feel if we were both single things would be different but shes not and I am terrified to fully loose a chance by just sitting back. She knows how I feel and she still talks to me frequently and relies on me when she needs me. Most of my friends believe she is still in love with me but this new relationship is easier (which I am sure it is considering they live in different countries and have not gotten to the real like we did). I also feel she has such reservations about my past actions/self but I really just want the chance to prove her wrong and show her how different I am because as crazy as this sounds being apart makes me realize how much I love her... I thought I was okay because I was it allowed me to grow. I have hooked up and even dated other people, but its still her.

    I think its important to note that she still looks at my social media and even tweets about me. Shes very open about looking at my stuff too.

    So am I stupid to say screw it and genuinely fight to win her back? Do I keep it at the friends level and hope it eventually progresses to something more? Or do I completely give up all together?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they are yours... if they don't, they never were."

    I get the sense from your words that she is done with the relationship... wants you as a friend but not as more than that. Given how your family feels about her and your relationship with her I don't think it's fair to her for you to try and win her back... it's pretty uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone where you don't get along with their family.

  3. #3
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    "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, no-one else wanted them. Set them free again.."

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    She knows how I feel and she still talks to me frequently and relies on me when she needs me.
    Why are you letting her use you? Newsflash: She's using you to get over you.
    Stop all contact (she has a girlfriend) and start accepting that your relationship with her is over. You are wasting valuable dating time by continuing on with her because you won't see the value in anyone else when your heart and mind are stuck on someone who uses you while with another partner. Stop it.

    If nothing else, by being there for her and she being aware that you're still hung up on her, you enable her to continue to just use you when it suits her. She has zero opportunity to miss you as well.

    Stop what you're doing and start accepting that you are no longer her Significant Other.

    Never let someone demote you from friend and lover and Significant Other to "Just Friend." pfft.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Why are you letting her use you? Newsflash: She's using you to get over you.
    Stop all contact (she has a girlfriend) and start accepting that your relationship with her is over. You are wasting valuable dating time by continuing on with her because you won't see the value in anyone else when your heart and mind are stuck on someone who uses you while with another partner. Stop it.

    If nothing else, by being there for her and she being aware that you're still hung up on her, you enable her to continue to just use you when it suits her. She has zero opportunity to miss you as well.

    Stop what you're doing and start accepting that you are no longer her Significant Other.

    Never let someone demote you from friend and lover and Significant Other to "Just Friend." pfft.
    Here is the thing: we stopped talking for about 3 months and then a close friend of ours passed away and thats how we began speaking. She told me she missed me. She not using me we just talk... I think you are missing the point of what I am asking. I dated someone for a little over a month in February and I am currently dating, but it is not the same.

  7. #6
    How do you get that sense when she is still keeping me in her life in way more than just a friends type of way?

    Also my family and I do not have the greatest relationship. They do not fully accept that I am gay which is why they did not like her... prior to us coming out she was part of the family. Attended all the holidays, family dinners, vacations, everything... no matter who I will bring home they are not going to love them because it is a female... I do not want my family to be the deciding factor. i don't think it should be... especially because me siding with them majorly contributed to our breakup

  8. #7
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    HSe is using you as an emotional crutch. There is nothing left here for you i am sad to say. Keep dating or perhaps even stop dating. Maybe you need more time to get over it and thats best done by being single.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Do I give up or fight for her?
    Who is it that you would be fighting, her?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by armadillo311
    Here is the thing: we stopped talking for about 3 months and then a close friend of ours passed away and thats how we began speaking. She told me she missed me. She not using me we just talk... I think you are missing the point of what I am asking. I dated someone for a little over a month in February and I am currently dating, but it is not the same.
    Stop all contact with her and stop letting her use you in order to get over you. I've missed no point. You are enabling her to use you as her human band aid instead of stopping all contact so you can heal from your addiction to her. SHE.HAS.A.GIRLFRIEND.

    Missing you does not mean she wants to start anything up with you again. It just means she's going through some withdrawl of your admiration.
    If you are currently dating then you are being totally unfair to whomever you are seeing if you are still stuck on your ex like you are. You are using this new person to help you transition just like your ex is using you while she transitions.

    How do you get that sense when she is still keeping me in her life in way more than just a friends type of way?
    She is keeping you in her life as her emotional band aid. If she wanted you the way you are thinking she wants you then she would dump who she is with and she wouldn't use you like she is. Just talking? Hardly when you are mired in this quasi relationship swamp she is holding you down in.

    Accept and block and delete so you both can move on.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Who is it that you would be fighting, her?
    I am not sure what you are asking.

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