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Thread: Just want an opinion

  1. #1
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    Just want an opinion

    Ok, I have posted on here a couple of times before. This post is more or less a question. Again, the both of us were middle aged. So, here goes short story before the question. The woman whom I was with had been married for 37 years. She married him when she was 23 - the man was 40 with 3 kids. From what little I knew, he wasn't the nicest and they fought a lot. They both went back to school and became psychologists and had their own private practice. Her 'husband' liked the secretary. My GF I guess found a love letter. And the guy did other ty things. Ok, she tells me she had thought about leaving him. Then. They go snow skiing, the guy falls - breaks his neck and became a quadriplegic. So, for 16 years, my GF or whatever she is now, took care of this man. Caregiver/nurses him. In summer 2014 he dies. Jan 2016 her and I met. From day one, she seemed to be kinda like stand offish/secretive. As time went on, I felt that she just wasn't there. My sister, who is an outsider said it perfectly. - The GF kept me at an arms length distant as to say I don't you any closer. Once she blurted out "I am so angry at my husband" - first time I'd heard it. I just felt I just didn't know this woman. I don't know why. She wouldn't tell me how much $ she made, intimate details about her life was very, very little. She never showed me pictures of her when she was young. Just kinda the "arm distant length" away.

    I actually had told her a few times that I thought she needed therapy herself. Keep in mind, she was psychologist. During arguments, she seemed to make me feel it was all me, and nothing with her. So, question. in an opinion do you think this woman still had anger/emotional bonds with deceased husband?

    I swear, I am going to start interviewing my dates like a job interview LOL! Are you really over the ex/deceased. How long has it been. Cause, I couldn't take the pain of the break up. I said numerous times I wanted us to seek counseling. We went to one, but the guy wasn't worth a . I about begged her to find another, But, we didn't. Also, I am not here to say I don't have issues, because I do and man enough to admit it.

  2. #2
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    You cannot change her, but you can change yourself. Why not focus on your issues- staying with a woman who was emotionally unavailable for three years.

    You need to be single for at least one year, so that you will be in a healthier place. You have a lot of anger towards this woman- not over her- and this is not fair to put this on another woman. Don't use others as a rebound to feed you ego and to move on from the ex.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by skysurfer
    So, question. in an opinion do you think this woman still had anger/emotional bonds with deceased husband?
    Yes. She said so herself that she was angry with him.

    That doesn't mean the demise of your relationship was all down to this, though. No doubt she has some confusing feelings about her late husband, but the signs were there for you that this wasn't the match you'd hoped for. You said she always kept you at arm's length and seemed evasive. That might be very true. But rather than try to push harder for your relationship to work, through counseling and the like, you could have conceded that she just didn't want what you wanted and parted ways. I know you were very invested but it doesn't appear to have been mutual; I would instead ask yourself why you stayed so long, knowing she wasn't on the same page as you.

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    HollyJ,

    Yea, somewhat true. I should have figured it out and saved myself the grief. As far as focusing on me - you bet I am. Not angry at this woman, but hurt - yep. And, I am not even thinking about jumping in to anything. Nope, Nada, oh hell f*7ing no.

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    She wouldn't tell me how much $ she made, intimate details about her life was very, very little.

    Its none of your business now much she makes unless you are both to the point of contemplating marriage. Not everyone has photos of themselves when they were kids or really is big on showing them off. I don't think my guy saw a childhood photo of me until 5 years into the relationship and it was quite by happenstance - we were over at my grandparents house and grandma was looking through pictures. I personally, am not an oversharer

    Honestly, telling someone "you need therapy" is a sure way to end a relationship.

    Either you want to be with her or not. You take her at face value. You either enjoy spending time with her or you don't. If you don't break up, but don't expect her to be someone she isn't

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You seem a bit emotional about her past, SS. I think, as individuals, it's normal to want to find out about our partners' histories. I don't think it's normal however to fixate on them or use them as reasons for dysfunctions in a person's total behaviour exclusively without looking at your own relationship with her(your hand and your role in the failure of the relationship or trust issues) or her as an entire person.

    The big picture is that she did not measure up to your ideal of a long term partner. That's all that matters and, in the end, you have to trust that this was not a relationship that was meant to last. Leave it at that and don't go too deep into matters that no longer have anything to do with you.

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    Well, after 2 years i think we'd be talking about things like this (money) - I told how much I make, even when I was a contractor. I found it strange after the first year even she did not show me pictures. But, she really wanted to see mine which I gladly did. Telling someone they need therapy. Yes you do if you care about them. But only they can do it. I know someone married to woman who is bipolar and she goes nuts on him. He tells her she needs it all the time. But, you cannot make any one do anything. I only control myself. And yes, I did enjoy being with her. But now, it's over and I am moving on, slowly. She was truly emotionally detached to me. Remember, this woman stayed with this man for 37 years, the last 16 were her taking care of this guy. She had NO intamcy at all for 17, 18 years. So, she got it from me. But, the "I love you" was a little meaningless because of the arms length distant. Even other people saw it.

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    Just to be clear. Thank you everyone for your honest answers. I truly thought she was the 'one'. She truly a wonderful woman who I loved very much. I just believe she was not in a good place in her life to be in a committed relationship with me. Before I met her, I was married and went through divorce. The divorce wasn't bad, the events leading up to it were. So, it took me 4 years before I met her. She'd been a widow for less than 2. I do think she simply was not ready. She called me "Bob" a lot. The husbands name. Ladies, I don't think you'd dig it if your partner/boyfriend called you his last one often would you. And to abitborken, yes it was my business about the money. We lived together and I was paying half of the mortgage each month for a $500,000 house which technically was not mine.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd say, after everything, it might be best to learn from the experience and turn on more filters when dating. It doesn't mean you have to be resentful or bitter, just more aware. When each relationship ends, there is a silver lining. That silver lining are the lessons we should learn from them even if it means acknowledging our own shortcomings. The beauty of relationships is that it teaches us a lot about ourselves. We don't have any power over others but it can teach us a lot about ourselves and give us more direction in where we want to go or the people we hope to be.

    I can only suggest in future not to move in with someone until you know them very well. Just as she might not have been ready to date, you should have picked up on those signs or given each other enough time to see those signs. You shouldn't keep going over her past or what type of person she was. It's counterproductive replaying injustices towards you. You already know deep down what her shortcomings were. The focus now should be on you and rebuilding your life. I feel like you've allowed the failure of this relationship to add to the failure or ending of your previous marriage. This is not an indication of your character entirely. Don't allow it to be. Keep growing.

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    Originally Posted by skysurfer
    HollyJ,

    Yea, somewhat true. I should have figured it out and saved myself the grief. As far as focusing on me - you bet I am. Not angry at this woman, but hurt - yep. And, I am not even thinking about jumping in to anything. Nope, Nada, oh hell f*7ing no.
    Good.

    I am serious about you focusing on someone who was emotionally unavailable for three long years. Address your own emotional unavailability-you would not have stayed with this woman if you wanted a heathy relationship..

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