In love with a friend the consequences

Hey guys,

it’s somewhat of a story and I‘m trying to find a solution everyone can be happy with, but I‘m starting to feel like there is no „good“ solution. That’s why I wanted to share the story and maybe someone of you can help me.

In advance i want to excuse myself, since IÂ’m not a native speaker and there might be some grammatical errors.

I (22 male) fell in love with a friend (22 female) of my friends circle and I have already confessed to her twice since I had changed quiet a bit in looks and behavior (lost about 80 pounds). She rejected me, which I can accept, but now she is starting a relationship and I feel left alone since we used to hang out a lot of the time. We are very good friends and I feel like I can share everything to her. She is the only one I can open up to and thatÂ’s why itÂ’s so hard for me.

I am now the only single person in our circle. We used to hang out and did things together, but now IÂ’m starting to feel like every time we meet the lovers just hang around each other and are happy, while IÂ’m just sitting there, waiting for it to be over so I can take my mask off and be miserable.

I am starting to fear the group, or even just the friendship to her, will fall apart piece by piece every time we meet, since I am feeling more and more depressed each time. I am trying to hide the pain, but I canÂ’t even laugh when I see something funny nor can I cry when I start thinking about it. I feel empty and I donÂ’t know what to do.

The only thing I can think of is to cancel the friendship to her, which inevitable leads to me also abandoning the group and making me feel even more lonely. I have nobody the talk to besides her and I canÂ’t tell her how I feel about this whole situation. I even started thinking about ending it since I feel so unnecessary and unwanted, that it doesnÂ’t even matter whether IÂ’m still alive or not.

Additionally, I seem to be unable to get to a point where someone might get interested in me since I feel this much depression and am reflecting it to the outside and IÂ’m introverted, which basically makes me unable to just start talking to strangers.

If someone has an advise I would be happy to hear it, since IÂ’m more than clueless what i can do. I want to talk to her this week, but I canÂ’t wrap my mind around what i want to say or what the conclusion should be.

Thank you for reading and IÂ’m looking forward to hear what you guys have in mind on this situation.

Once one friend discloses romantic feeling for the other, the friendship is no longer a friendship--it's an agenda.

Join some clubs or groups and find new friends. Hanging around a bunch of couples and feeling excluded isn't fun or productive, so phase them out as you increase your exposure to new people and interests.

Start spending more time outside of this friends circle. It's not healthy hanging out with the couples all the time. You should feel free to do as you please without offending them. Be more confident in yourself.

@catfeeder I am scared to shut myself out of the group and not being able to find new friends. In that case i would really be alone and wouldnt have anyone left to talk to.

@Rose Mosse I think my biggest problem is that I cant pick myself up and be all of a sudden motivated to just do stuff. I stopped doing sports because I wasnt happy with where I was and am struggling to lift myself up to start doing it again. Additionally I am close to the end of my apprenticeship and have some final exams in mind, which gives me a lot of anxiety as well.

It's important to manage your stress. All of life is stress management in some way and learning to prioritize or make room where room is due but at the right times. If your exams are important at this time, work on stress management and prioritizing which exams come first. Go through which exams need more review of material and juggle/time it so that you make it through with enough review for each one.

Put this friendship issue out of your mind for the moment as it's causing greater pressure without solving your immediate problems/studying for the exams. If you need somewhat of a solution, you can tell yourself you'll return to this matter after your exams (name a date). Mentally you'll categorize and organize what needs doing without feeling like you are neglecting your social commitments or friends. The girl you like is dating someone else. I think it's helpful to distance yourself from this issue and concern yourself less about her ongoings.

Sports do not have to be complex works of art. A short walk around the block or a visit to a local rec center and a one hour swim sometimes does wonders. Go in for a drop in and see the drop in schedule. Try and work on those priorities and think of solutions, not more problems to add without creating any solutions.

I have just conflicted myself with how I should respond to this and I feel like I am trying to make excuses. I just want to settle the friendship issue so I can focus on what lays ahead of me. Since I am going to speak to her this week I hope I can settle it right there. But what should I do? Reduce it from “best” friend to just friends? Should I cut it all? All I am thinking about is the consequences that could result in these scenarios and I am concerned I wont have a lot of time left to work on finding new friends since I will be pretty occupied with work.

And yes i hear you, i will try to focus on my exams first. I feel like I am drowning in issues :/

@catfeeder I am scared to shut myself out of the group and not being able to find new friends. In that case i would really be alone and wouldnt have anyone left to talk to.

You don't need to shut yourself out, you can simply be unavailable on occasion because you're pursuing a course or a club or a volunteer group or a political campaign or anything else. If they want to fault you for expanding your interests, what should that tell you about them?