"Rules" of texting after a first date

I rarely ask for advice on here, but I figured it couldn't hurt. You guys always help with grounding.

Had a great first date with a guy on Friday. Ended up lasting four hours, because we lost track of time, and we had a lot in common and seemed to enjoy each other. I ended the date when I realized how much time has passed, because I like to take things slow. Told him I enjoyed myself on the date and that I'd like to see him again. He appeared interested at the time and we both mentioned we would likely not be available until next Friday.

Now, I'm not a big texter and I don't particularly like drawn out conversations via text, and he seems the same way. However, I'm used to hearing from a guy if there was a connection, and it's been crickets since Friday. I am considering sending a text but have some anxiety about it. He's really the first date I've been attracted to in the past year and a half, so it's adding some internal pressure.

So what's your take ENA? Do the old rules about waiting for a man to text first still apply? If you haven't heard in a certain amount of time does it mean they're not interested? As of now, I'm planning to put myself out there, because I figure I have little to lose and potentially much to gain, but it got me wondering how people generally think about this subject these days. All opinions welcome.

Did he kiss you on/at the end of the date?

The problem is, if you stick your neck out and text him first, he might reject you. This is why women usually let the man chance - they are smart!

Why make the first moves if most men, when they are interested, do it anyway?

You've had only one date. Did you make definite plans for next Friday? If so, I would avoid texting until Friday during the day, just to verify the meeting.

Yes. We shared a brief kiss.

I guess I'm not too afraid of being rejected. Silence is a rejection in and of itself but keeps me thinking about it, possibly longer than I need to. I get that uncertainty is a part of early dating and have always coped with it well, but for some reason with this guy I feel a bit impatient to simply know. Plus, I'm not super attached to traditional gender values and rules, so I'm not someone who thinks it is the man's responsibility necessarily.

We did not make definitive plans yet. I guess that's sort of what I'm after more than anything else. Of course, only if the guy wants to meet again.

If you don't have a time/place plan for a date then there is not date, yet. You expressed interest in seeing him again and thanked him for the date. I think you did more than enough to show interest and I think the ball is in his court to call you to ask you out for another date. I don't think texting has anything to do with it -it's just another form of contacting. If you want to ask him out then call him and do so (I wouldn't text). I would not text just to say "hi" - you only went on one date. If you want to set the tone for you doing most of the initiating then call him and ask him out on a date. If you'd rather text and say "hi" understand that it's you initiating and making it very clear that you really want him to ask you out again -I don't think it's a good look for you unless you are comfortable being the main intitiator. Yes, I am saying this because you are the woman. It's totally fine if you're ok being the initiator. Nothing to do with "texting rules" just how you feel about asking men out on dates.

It was Easter Weekend, so might have been pre-occupied with family stuff and whatnot.

Give it until 7pm tonight, if you don't hear from him, text him something funny that happened over the weekend, or maybe a joke about something you talked about Friday.

If he responds, your NEXT text message can be "it was nice to meet with you on Friday", and maybe his response will be something along those lines.

Good luck

It was Easter Weekend, so might have been pre-occupied with family stuff and whatnot.

 

Give it until 7pm tonight, if you don't hear from him, text him something funny that happened over the weekend, or maybe a joke about something you talked about Friday.

If he responds, your NEXT text message can be "it was nice to meet with you on Friday", and maybe his response will be something along those lines.

 

Good luck

I would do that only if she wants to appear extremely eager/overeager. They're not buddies -they had a great first date. I had several great first dates that were one and done. Her "nice to meet you" after all this time will tell him that she's been waiting for his call and is grasping at straws. She already told him on the date how nice it was to meet him and that she wanted to see him again.

I would do that only if she wants to appear extremely eager/overeager. They're not buddies -they had a great first date. I had several great first dates that were one and done. Her "nice to meet you" after all this time will tell him that she's been waiting for his call and is grasping at straws. She already told him on the date how nice it was to meet him and that she wanted to see him again.

Agreed, but their first date was four hours. That's a pretty good indication there might be something there.

She could wait, but she said she's not keen on gender or texting rules either.

Yeah, you guys all make good points. Kind of surprised actually, though. I expected more "just go for it" advice to be honest. It's good to consider, however. I don't really want to be the main initiator in the long-run and my main concern is not giving enough time for the guy to step up. Three days does seem like enough time, though. I guess I am a bit eager in the sense that he really made an impression on me, but there's nothing worse than a man who half-heartedly continues to see you because you make all the moves. I know give and take is important, even if it means being disappointed in the outcome.

I also feel like I should note that I've presented myself as someone who doesn't text a lot in the early dating process, so it's quite possible he feels reaching out too soon would go against him, as well.

Just my experience, but when a man is interested and felt an attraction, he would text the following day.

Why?

There's a certain excitement there, typically for both of us if the attraction and chemistry is mutual.

Even if it's a holiday, or he's "busy" it takes 30 seconds!

He sounds lukewarm at best.

That said, there are some men who intentionally do not text to see if she texts first, thanking him for the date.

It's a shyt test of sorts to gauge interest level.

I don't go for that sort of game, if I thanked him at the end of the date and told him I'd like to see him again, I don't think it's necessary to txt him again the following day.

It's overkill and I like a man to do the pursuing in these very early stages (first 3-4 dates).

Just my style and preference, builds the attraction for me when he pursues.

Agree with BetterWithout.

Text something funny that maybe applies to the date, or just to say that you hope he had a Happy Easter.

You'll know either way, pretty soon, how he feels.

And no man ever walked away from a woman completely, because she texted him a Happy Easter.

Edited to add: I also agree with Katrina.

When a man is interested, you'll hear from him.

But since you are on pins & needles (which I get, been there), a text to him will show your interest, and let him respond.

Katrina, didn't this happen with your boyfriend? You texted a bunch, then he stopped, then you asked for advice here, and then you decided to text again? So sometimes it does work, and it makes the guy realize they do have enough interest to continue.

I get that it's different, IIRC, Katrina, you two had connected on a deeper level, etc., but the basics are the same: when a guy & girl are first getting to know each other, I don't think there's any harm in a girl texting to say hi.

Agree with BetterWithout.

 

Text something funny that maybe applies to the date, or just to say that you hope he had a Happy Easter.

 

You'll know either way, pretty soon, how he feels.

 

And no man ever walked away from a woman completely, because she texted him a Happy Easter.

 

Edited to add: I also agree with Katrina.

 

When a man is interested, you'll hear from him.

 

But since you are on pins & needles (which I get, been there), a text to him will show your interest, and let him respond.

 

Katrina, didn't this happen with your boyfriend? You texted a bunch, then he stopped, then you asked for advice here, and then you decided to text again? So sometimes it does work, and it makes the guy realize they do have enough interest to continue.

 

I get that it's different, IIRC, Katrina, you two had connected on a deeper level, etc., but the basics are the same: when a guy & girl are first getting to know each other, I don't think there's any harm in a girl texting to say hi.

No, he won't walk away /get turned off from a Happy Easter message. And if he very likely will know that you texted three days later because you're strongly interested in him and have been thinking about him and want reassurance. First impressions and beginnings are very fragile at times. It likely won't torpedo actual potential but it sets a tone I am not sure you want. Or you wouldn't have asked about "rules".

I went for the short term pain of pins and needles in favor of the long term gain.

Agree with BetterWithout.

 

Text something funny that maybe applies to the date, or just to say that you hope he had a Happy Easter.

 

You'll know either way, pretty soon, how he feels.

 

And no man ever walked away from a woman completely, because she texted him a Happy Easter.

 

Edited to add: I also agree with Katrina.

 

When a man is interested, you'll hear from him.

 

But since you are on pins & needles (which I get, been there), a text to him will show your interest, and let him respond.

 

Katrina, didn't this happen with your boyfriend? You texted a bunch, then he stopped, then you asked for advice here, and then you decided to text again? So sometimes it does work, and it makes the guy realize they do have enough interest to continue.

 

I get that it's different, IIRC, Katrina, you two had connected on a deeper level, etc., but the basics are the same: when a guy & girl are first getting to know each other, I don't think there's any harm in a girl texting to say hi.

Yeah, pretty much my gut feeling about it. I keep thinking, what is there to lose? It's not like I've blown up his phone with texts at all - not even before the date - so I doubt he'll perceive me reaching out as "overkill". It will give him the opportunity to make it clear if he's not interested, and then I can get on with things, so to speak.

To add to my last post, I did text my current bf after he dropped off after two weeks of texting.

This was before we even met in person!

And he responded a few minutes later, set a date and we've been dating a little over a year!

Oh and after our first meet/date, he texted me after he got home that night!

Didn't even wait till next day.

My advice? Stop overthinking it and do what's most comfortable for you.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Just my experience, but when a man is interested and felt an attraction, he would text the following day.

 

Why?

 

There's a certain excitement there, typically for both of us if the attraction and chemistry is mutual.

 

Even if it's a holiday, or he's "busy" it takes 30 seconds!

 

He sounds lukewarm at best.

 

That said, there are some men who intentionally do not text to see if she texts first, thanking him for the date.

 

It's a shyt test of sorts to gauge interest level.

 

I don't go for that sort of game, if I thanked him at the end of the date and told him I'd like to see him again, I don't think it's necessary to txt him again the following day.

 

It's overkill and I like a man to do the pursuing in these very early stages (first 3-4 dates).

 

Just my style and preference, builds the attraction for me when he pursues.

I agree and you raise a good point about maybe why texting is different than the old days -because calling requires more planning around your and the other person's schedule etc -a person you don't yet know well. I have done what you suggested -the quick text -after meeting a potential new friend which I am regularly trying to do. Not at all a romantic interest though but I get the well-placed follow up referencing something you talked about or maybe something you read/heard that reminded you of the same. Thanks, K - interesting perspective.

SGH, I say sit back and let him think about you, your date, let him wonder about you a little bit.

It builds attraction (for both) in these very very early stages!

Don't push it, you already thanked him and told him you'd like to see him again.

That's enough, let him put forth a little effort!

If he is interested and wants to see you again, he will!!

SGH, I say sit back and let him think about you, your date, let him wonder about you a little bit.

 

It builds attraction (for both) in these very very early stages!

 

Don't push it, you already thanked him and told him you'd like to see him again.

 

That's enough, let him put forth a little effort!

 

If he is interested and wants to see you again, he will!!

Could not agree more!

We can all agree the sun rises and sets each day, but in the land of texting, there are no guarantees or science.

I remember the dating dance I had to learn as a guy not knowing when to go in for the kiss. I was 90% right on timing. Pretty good odds, but those 10%! Whoops!

Maybe simply go with your gut OP.

We can all agree the sun rises and sets each day, but in the land of texting, there are no guarantees or science.

 

I remember the dating dance I had to learn as a guy not knowing when to go in for the kiss. I was 90% right on timing. Pretty good odds, but those 10%! Whoops!

 

Maybe simply go with your gut OP.

Definitely no guarantees and no science. I do know what worked best for me (back then) in my quest for "the one" (different approaches work better I think if it's more for casual dating) and the people I knew back then in the dating scene (which I was in for over 20 years, sigh) and what seems to be true today -some changes, much the same.

My gut says that in the end, it probably doesn't matter what I do because if he isn't interested it will play out the same way. However, you guys make a good point, and it's possible I will hear from him if I simply wait. Guess I'm just worried he will think I'm not interested if I stay silent as well. I don't think it is always the case, but guys get cold feet too, and I think they get ghosted way more by women who make claims of big interest.

SGH, let us know how this turns out!

I've got my fingers crossed you at least get to second date, and further if that's what you want!!

Thanks katrina! I'll let you know how my science experiment turns out ha ha. Maybe I'll get lucky :-)

My gut says that in the end, it probably doesn't matter what I do because if he isn't interested it will play out the same way. However, you guys make a good point, and it's possible I will hear from him if I simply wait. Guess I'm just worried he will think I'm not interested if I stay silent as well. I don't think it is always the case, but guys get cold feet too, and I think they get ghosted way more by women who make claims of big interest.

I think in the beginning especially if someone is a bit on the fence an overeager text can push them to the other side. And I know of plenty of great relationships that started out with one person a bit on the fence. Including a few of my own.

I think guys who are interested choose contacting over "cold feet" and having a woman not respond to an invitation to a second date simply means lack of interest- not "ghosting". If after you expressed interest and discussed future plans he is too "scared" to text you do you really want to get involved with someone who would choose fear over you in that situation? Also of course he could have made a plan in advance. When my future husband wanted to make sure he could see me again he made plans two weeks in advance since he was going out of town. Has happened many other times in my life. Or he could have said "I will call you on ___[day] and then I will know which day works -I have to check a few things."

(Oh and my husband was painfully shy the first time around that we dated and had to call me on the phone -at our job!- to ask me out for lunch. He had a pep talk with his friends on a conference call and then took the plunge. The rest is history).

If he's more matured about his texts he may be saving one text for Weds or Thurs or closer to this Friday and just ask you out on a date in the same text. This means no superfluous good mornings/good evenings etc. I'd wait it out. I prefer a man who makes the first move. It's a dance. There's no end to the number of gestures of adoration or love later on, demonstrative from one person to another regardless of sex. I've surprised my husband a lot that way. Let him come to you for now.

If he doesn't text by Weds or early Thursday, I would make other plans for Friday. I wouldn't make myself so available at the drop of the hat that early on.