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Thread: "Rules" of texting after a first date

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    My gut says that in the end, it probably doesn't matter what I do because if he isn't interested it will play out the same way. However, you guys make a good point, and it's possible I will hear from him if I simply wait. Guess I'm just worried he will think I'm not interested if I stay silent as well. I don't think it is always the case, but guys get cold feet too, and I think they get ghosted way more by women who make claims of big interest.

  2. #22
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    SGH, let us know how this turns out!

    I've got my fingers crossed you at least get to second date, and further if that's what you want!!

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Thanks katrina! I'll let you know how my science experiment turns out ha ha. Maybe I'll get lucky :-)

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    My gut says that in the end, it probably doesn't matter what I do because if he isn't interested it will play out the same way. However, you guys make a good point, and it's possible I will hear from him if I simply wait. Guess I'm just worried he will think I'm not interested if I stay silent as well. I don't think it is always the case, but guys get cold feet too, and I think they get ghosted way more by women who make claims of big interest.
    I think in the beginning especially if someone is a bit on the fence an overeager text can push them to the other side. And I know of plenty of great relationships that started out with one person a bit on the fence. Including a few of my own.

    I think guys who are interested choose contacting over "cold feet" and having a woman not respond to an invitation to a second date simply means lack of interest- not "ghosting". If after you expressed interest and discussed future plans he is too "scared" to text you do you really want to get involved with someone who would choose fear over you in that situation? Also of course he could have made a plan in advance. When my future husband wanted to make sure he could see me again he made plans two weeks in advance since he was going out of town. Has happened many other times in my life. Or he could have said "I will call you on ___[day] and then I will know which day works -I have to check a few things."

    (Oh and my husband was painfully shy the first time around that we dated and had to call me on the phone -at our job!- to ask me out for lunch. He had a pep talk with his friends on a conference call and then took the plunge. The rest is history).

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If he's more matured about his texts he may be saving one text for Weds or Thurs or closer to this Friday and just ask you out on a date in the same text. This means no superfluous good mornings/good evenings etc. I'd wait it out. I prefer a man who makes the first move. It's a dance. There's no end to the number of gestures of adoration or love later on, demonstrative from one person to another regardless of sex. I've surprised my husband a lot that way. Let him come to you for now.

    If he doesn't text by Weds or early Thursday, I would make other plans for Friday. I wouldn't make myself so available at the drop of the hat that early on.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    If he's more matured about his texts he may be saving one text for Weds or Thurs or closer to this Friday and just ask you out on a date in the same text. This means no superfluous good mornings/good evenings etc. I'd wait it out. I prefer a man who makes the first move. It's a dance. There's no end to the number of gestures of adoration or love later on, demonstrative from one person to another regardless of sex. I've surprised my husband a lot that way. Let him come to you for now.

    If he doesn't text by Weds or early Thursday, I would make other plans for Friday. I wouldn't make myself so available at the drop of the hat that early on.
    Back when I dated with very rare exception we declined weekend night dates with men who asked after Wednesday. And there was no texting and no email for most of that -they had to make sure they reached you by phone. I only had positive results and 99% of the time I declined because I had other plans. And the one percent of the time I did not I went with what Rose wrote - I would rather have a date with myself than be available at the drop of the hat.

  8. #27
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    SGH, there are many many threads on this forum created by guys who weren't sure if a girl was interested, that did not stop them from being interested in her and texting her, even overwhelming her with texts in some cases. Indicating their interest.

    So please don't ever think if you don't initiate that first text after your initial date/meet, after you already thanked him and told him you'd like to see him again, he's gonna think you're not interested and thus lose interest himself.

    It just doesn't work like that, I think you know this.

    You're overthinking all of this.

    Try and relax. Continue chatting and meeting other men, your attitude should be - I had a great time, if he contacts me, fabulous! Would love to see him again.

    If not, that's fine too. We had only one meet and there are LOTS more men out there!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-22-2019 at 03:01 PM.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    Yeah, you guys all make good points. Kind of surprised actually, though. I expected more "just go for it" advice to be honest.
    Girl you are going to get the "just go for it" advice from me! Just be yourself and keep it simple, don't write a novel or pepper him with questions... and ask if he wants to make a plan for next Friday. If his response is lukewarm or cold then you can assume he isn't interested and just let it go.

    The guy I am with now asked me out because I initiated texting and flirting with him. I might still be waiting if I hadn't made the first move. Afterwards he told me he had liked me from afar for quite awhile (I could kinda tell) so I was even more glad I put myself out there.

    There are very few guys (and probably not the ones you want) that will be put off by you initiating with a flirty text if he truly is interested in you.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Man, thank you guys for all of your responses (though I agree I'm totally overthinking and maybe this isn't helping me decide ha ha). It is all well thought out and accurate. Someone in here said awhile ago that texting and dating is not a science and there are no specific rules we can follow to get what we want all of the time. I'm kind of feeling like I could damn myself either way, but that it would be truer to my authentic self to just reach out and stop stressing about it.

    It's pretty uncharacteristic of me to paralyze myself with indecision this early on, and it could all be for nothing. I'm going to send the text and see what happens. If he's not interested, I'm sure his response or lack or response will be a clear indication of how to move forward. I will come back and update later so if it doesn't go well you can all give me a proper "I told you so" :-P

    At the end of the day, my self-esteen is in tact, and frankly if a text from me scares him off, he is definitely not the one anyway.

  11. #30
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    But then again maew -- if he were truly interested in her, why has he not reached out to her?

    She already gave him green light. Took the initiative and told him she wants to see him again!

    What more does he need for heaven's sake?

    Sure he'll be flattered and he will also know he does not have to do much, or put forth any effort, and SGH will still reach out and chase him.

    Not a great message to send a guy after first meet imo.

    I think it's real important to be aware of how our actions are perceived by other person.

    The messages they send.

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