Blindsided

After a 4 month period of excitement and building up to something she decided to call it without much explanation. She (30) and I (36) met through an online dating site; and we seemed to hit it off right away. Our work schedules made our dates a premium, but we worked hard at it. I won't pretend everything was perfect, we were fresh to each other and had a lot to learn; I thought the lines of communication were working pretty well. We had similar interests, and enough different we could teach the other something new.

Now I will admit our dates were getting a little routine, though much of that had to do with winter and not a lot of opportunities to do a lot of diverse activities. I was actively trying to find things to do, just keeping some of it under my hat until we could really look at our schedules. However over Easter Brunch she told me she wasn't feeling the spark/excitement she thought she should be feeling. That she was now thinking of us as just good friends, someone she really was enjoying her time with but felt no spark.

I was crushed to say the least, I proffered that being good friends was just as important in building a relationship on excitement. As we discussed things she had no other reason than she thought she should feel more excited. She complimented me quite thoroughly on my kindness and being a "nice wonderful guy;" but she wasn't feeling a spark.

I admit I was feeling frustration over the last two months, but I thought it was upon me being unduly upset over her forgetting my birthday (normally some I don't care about) and blew me off. Then bailed on a date to spend time with her sister, again not a huge deal; but I felt slighted.

In the end we kind of agreed that we both were trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I am still at a loss to figure out what the heck I did wrong if anything. Coming off of a previously terrible and manipulative relationship; and seeing a lot of positives, potential, and apparently (false) willingness to work on things; I am at a loss on how to even think of this. My willingness to take the risk of dating is reduced to zero. Throw in a lot of other personal and professional failures this month it's really hard to see a way forward that isn't just auto pilot.

Don't beat yourself up. You probably didn't do anything wrong. It just didn't work out.

Maybe next time take it a little slower and get to know her better before you start thinking of it as a relationship. Expectations sometimes hurt us.

We've all been down the friendzone road. You really like them, and they are not "feeling the spark".

You can analyze it all you want, but it won't really get you anywhere.

Have you ever dated a girl but there was one or two things you didn't really like about her to keep her in your life forever? That was her deal...something just wasn't a good fit. Very likely nothing you did or said, just something

wasn't there. Leave it at that.

Don't dwell and make absolutely sure it does not affect your current self-esteem.

It is what it is.

Good luck on the next try.

In the end we kind of agreed that we both were trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I am still at a loss to figure out what the heck I did wrong if anything.

Sorry for the hurt and confusion.

But you didn't do anything wrong. Like you said: square peg, round hole. Not the peg's fault, not the hole's, just two shapes that don't line up well. Or, in romance terms: two people who aren't quite compatible.

I can't help but feel, from your tone, that she was maybe just more honest about things, in the end, than you were. You start off describing things as a "four month period of excitement," but from there it's really hard to see where this excitement was really building. Dates had become routine and you've felt a mounting frustration for the past two months—aka for half the time you've know each other. Frustration that early is generally a sign of incompatibility, as the first four months should be pretty much a cakewalk.

Which leads me to the idea that maybe you're not quite healed from that last relationship, and maybe saw this as a chance to be "right" where in the past you were "wrong," or that making this "work" would have some kind of deep meaning in your life. The emphasis on "potential," on working together through "communication" to achieve that potential—that's the language of couples counseling, not early dating and romance.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, is all I'm saying, and really try not make this the experience that closes you off. This is, in the end, dating and connecting; it doesn't always work, and those first few months are kind of a trial period, a period of discovery, a period where both people are gauging their feelings, the spark, and so on. If you can just accept that, rather than twist yourself into a knot of self-blame to "explain" this, I think you'll find yourself heading to a better place.

It's hard, I know. No two ways about it. Wishing you luck.

You can't win them all. Relationships don't have to end because of something has gone bad. Some just run their course, and the passion or interest just simply dies off. You did nothing wrong.....feelings didn't progress for her which is a natural occurrence in dating. You got very lucky, she gave you closure. Most who get dumped get ghosted on without any explanation. She was mature, kind and honest. Seems to be a rarity these days with online dating. I tell you this, you ain't seen the worst it it. My advice...grow a thicker skin, and don't take things so personally.

It doesn't sound like much chemistry to start. Let this go and don't take it so hard. Perhaps work on your filters also especially at the beginning stages. Take the opportunity now to decide whether you want to date someone with a difficult schedule (if yours is already difficult enough as it is).

Thanks all,

SarahLancaster:

True enough, she and I had a conversation in the second month that put the topic in our minds; just not fully formed in action vs words.

Betterwithout:

I guess I was better at ignoring little nuisances that I realized, haha.

Bluecastle:

Typo, I meant two weeks not months. But yes those seeming trivialities should have not had these hiccoughs waddling in like a herd of penguins; if there was some meat to things. That last relationship's abuse and manipulation probably caused my over willingness to jump on board with this one. And the doubts sewn there are definitely driving my questioning of the whole dating experience. I found solace, a positive direction, and someone who valued me; but it wasn't to be.

Overall I guess I'm tired of the dead ends, and that is what is driving me to mix and match shapes.

Again thank you all, it's been a rather strange time.

Yeah sounds like it just died a natural death, she sounds fond of you but not in the way you want. Just keep busy and move on. SHe has been honest which is good of her. Just cut contact unless you can handle being just friends.

Hang in there. It will pass. Let go of your other previous relationship too, by the way. Are you talking to someone about the abuse or manipulation? (ie. counsellor) Sometimes it helps to get it out in the open and be done with it and then move on.

That last relationship's abuse and manipulation probably caused my over willingness to jump on board with this one. And the doubts sewn there are definitely driving my questioning of the whole dating experience.

Bingo.

Toxic past relationships have a fine way of sneaking into your next relationship, so good of you to be aware of this. You seem very self-aware as it is. This might be a sign telling you to take a little break from dating until you wash the toxic stuff off (so to speak).

I suggest counselling (please see this as a healthy thing with no stigma) to work past these hurts. It can only benefit you and your next partner.

Good luck.

What happened was, she approved of you, tried to make a relationship work, but she never fell for you like she hoped. Approval is great, but it's no substitute for love.

You did not do anything wrong - her wanting to date you to see if she grew feelings is testament to that. She was not under the influence of the rose color glasses of love, but she was still impressed with you! Hold your head high. She was just not attracted to you.

The next time your gut tells you the woman is not as crazy about you as she should be, it's time to break it off or start circular dating.

Time to hit the reset button and find a new woman to date. You just have to find a woman who thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Always be the one to break things off first - it hurts less when you do. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute.