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Thread: past abusive relationship coming back to rear its ugly head

  1. #1
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    past abusive relationship coming back to rear its ugly head

    Hi everyone, I am recovering from a past emotionally abusive relationship of almost two years. I recently walked away in december. It broke me into pieces where he used texting tactics to manipulate me and gaslight me, withheld affection, treated me terribly emotionally, and frequently made me question my perception of reality. in january I hooked up with a man who insisted on giving me oral sex but after trying to leave and telling him no he held me down and forced oral sex on me. I obviously didn't see him again.

    In february I went on a dating app for more hookups and casual stuff to get over these horrible experiences. However I found this young man, we'll call him D, whose sweetness has brought me out of my shell. Originally I told him I wanted to hookup with him since I wasn't sure what I wanted in terms of relationships but his response was 'I'd gladly hoop up with you but only if I can still hang out with you." I wasn't too keen but I said yes, and afterwards I began to fall for him. His constant genuine nature and basic, routine affection brought me out of my dark place. Though I told him good morning and goodnight were for boyfirend and girlfriend, he still said goodnight to me and sometimes goodmorning and slowly I started to come out of my shell. He even called me babe and sweetie sometimes. This past week I am totally falling for him which is huge because I thought I'd never allow myself to get there after my ex.

    All this seems really great but I am consistently having panic attacks as I fall for him more, and waking up in middle of the night sweating from nightmares of my past when the last 4 days he hasn't texted me goodnight, or called me sweetie, (but everything else has stayed the same.) The first night he didn't I told him I wished he did, and then he still forgot the next. I can't help but go back to the dark, manipulative behaviors this reminds me of from my ex. D also wants to eat me out which I want to try to do but he does know the one guy in the hookup forced it on me. D wants to perform oral soon because in his mind it will help me recover from the bad experience since the good one he'd give me would be in my mind. D doesn't realize that in order for me to allow him to eat me out, I need to feel the same security form him that I've felt the last weeks. Just the very thought of being eaten out brings on a panic attack of being held down and feeling a tongue down there.

    I feel hopeless and sad that I am allowing past experiences shape how judgemental I am being with D. I mean, just because he didn't say goodnight means nothing but I am having panic attacks over it and I know I cannot bring all this up because we aren't even in a relationship yet; I have no right, but I still don't know what to do. I am so confused. I feel like a failure and like I don't deserve a good guy like tis.

  2. #2
    You shouldnít feel bad about worrying he didnít tell you goodnight, itís all about context. You should have a serious talk with him about this and explain him the situation, if he really cares, he will make sure not to forget to text you since itís important to you. To me, you didnít recover from your past damaging experiences and trying to find a hook up right now just isnít the best option. You should try to focus on yourself in order to let go of all the emotional baggage that you carry around. I know you really like D, and you can give him a chance, but if he doesnít understand how important those texts are to you and why they are so and pressures you intro oral sex, you should distance yourself from him. Give yourself time and allow yourself to heal from past experiences! You can try reaching out to a therapist if you want and have the possibility!

  3. #3
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I think you are doing very well at getting back to normal. It may still take some time to get over everything. Hang in there.

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    I think you need longer than 3-4 months to heal from a long term abusive relationship, before embarking on a healthy consistent relationship with a good stable guy who does not provide the dramatic highs and lows, manipulation, gaslighting you experienced with your abusive ex.

    Are you in some sort of therapy to help you through all these conflcting emotions?

    I don't think you are helping yourself by having various hookups with men for sex.

    That only serves to numb the pain, it's not helping you actually heal.

    The pain and trauma are still there, and will always be there, buried and festering within, until you meet a man you like, after which those buried emotions will rear their ugly head and wreak havoc on your emotions and psyche, which is exactly what's happening now.

    My advice is to stop having meaningless hook ups and stop dating and take steps to heal.

    Introspection, self-reflection, reading, therapy.

    It won't be easy, in fact the opposite.

    But you need to feel that pain, deal with it in healthy ways (not by numbing through hookups or even dating) allow it to rise to surface to be released.

    Otherwise, same shyt will continue happening as is happening now.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-22-2019 at 09:59 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Just my 2 cents but you are still recovering from your horrible experiences. I suggest you find other ways to make yourself happy by making new friends, getting interests or hobbies that physically and mentally challenge you to gain your confidence back. Dating isn't the healthiest thing for you right now, and you should take a break from it...focus on yourself and your mental health.

  7. #6
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    I agree about needing longer than a few months to heal from that relationship and also forcible sexual assault. You have two things that are working against you right now(right now...it's not going to be forever permanent) that are going to prevent you from having something healthy, and I don't mean only a relationship but even a hook up situation. Even casual sex requires you to be mentally well. Right now you're kind of self medicating with sex to get over that relationship, and it's really not going to do you any justice.

    Are you in the US? If so, I highly recommend The Hotline ([Register to see the link] ). They also have a live chat feature if you feel shy about talking on the phone. It's really helpful. In addition to that, there is RAINN([Register to see the link] ). They too have a live chat feature.

    They aren't substitutes for therapy, but they can be really useful tools to add to your healing arsenal. I personally used the former at least 2 dozen times a few years back and it got me through very difficult moments.

    Give all of this a rest and focus on yourself. You deserve it and owe it to yourself.

  8. #7
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    Have you considered therapy instead of a string of men to work through your issues? Be single and process the abusive ex and the guy that forced himself on you. Are you incapable of being on your own?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 04-22-2019 at 01:24 PM.

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    Originally Posted by caraviolin

    D, also wants to eat me out which I want to try to do but he does know the one guy in the hookup forced it on me. D wants to perform oral soon because in his mind it will help me recover from the bad experience since the good one he'd give me would be in my mind. D doesn't realize that in order for me to allow him to eat me out, I need to feel the same security form him that I've felt the last weeks. Just the very thought of being eaten out brings on a panic attack of being held down and feeling a tongue down there. I am so confused. I feel like a failure and like I don't deserve a good guy like tis.
    Are you kidding me? That's as lame an excuse as there ever was one. You need to re-read your update because it makes no sense. D, is not a good guy based on your update. He's taking advantage of your emotional distress.

    There should be zero pressure if he just wanted to be a friend. At this time, you should not be dating, or talking your business to other men. Take the time to first heal yourself.

  10. #9
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    Hi everyone, thanks to each and every one of you for replying to me. I actually have no problems being on my own; had been for 8 years before this last one. Therefore, I definitely do not have a problem being alone. At this point, I am at my rope's end and feeling pretty down. D has stopped telling me goodnight and canceled our date last night. We have been seeing each other twice weekly for a month now, and I do not know if it is within my right to ask him about the drop off. we were really hitting it off and I am not sure what is going on. I highly doubt my anxiety over this is because I was abused for a while; IO think other women would feel the same thing. IDK what to do at this point. Am I within my right to ask where this is going? Should I block and move on? I did get a therapist yesterday and will begin to get therapy in two weeks for this nonsense in the past.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by caraviolin
    Hi everyone, thanks to each and every one of you for replying to me. I actually have no problems being on my own; had been for 8 years before this last one. Therefore, I definitely do not have a problem being alone. At this point, I am at my rope's end and feeling pretty down. D has stopped telling me goodnight and canceled our date last night. We have been seeing each other twice weekly for a month now, and I do not know if it is within my right to ask him about the drop off. we were really hitting it off and I am not sure what is going on. I highly doubt my anxiety over this is because I was abused for a while; IO think other women would feel the same thing. IDK what to do at this point. Am I within my right to ask where this is going? Should I block and move on? I did get a therapist yesterday and will begin to get therapy in two weeks for this nonsense in the past.
    I'd move on. I agree the guy sounds like a weirdo talking about making oral sex a good experience for you. He doesn't even know you. Aside from that, I think it's simply not the right time to see anyone; sex or more. There's too much swirling in your head that needs to be dealt with. This just serves as a distraction.

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