past abusive relationship coming back to rear its ugly head

Hi everyone, I am recovering from a past emotionally abusive relationship of almost two years. I recently walked away in december. It broke me into pieces where he used texting tactics to manipulate me and gaslight me, withheld affection, treated me terribly emotionally, and frequently made me question my perception of reality. in january I hooked up with a man who insisted on giving me oral sex but after trying to leave and telling him no he held me down and forced oral sex on me. I obviously didn't see him again.

In february I went on a dating app for more hookups and casual stuff to get over these horrible experiences. However I found this young man, we'll call him D, whose sweetness has brought me out of my shell. Originally I told him I wanted to hookup with him since I wasn't sure what I wanted in terms of relationships but his response was 'I'd gladly hoop up with you but only if I can still hang out with you." I wasn't too keen but I said yes, and afterwards I began to fall for him. His constant genuine nature and basic, routine affection brought me out of my dark place. Though I told him good morning and goodnight were for boyfirend and girlfriend, he still said goodnight to me and sometimes goodmorning and slowly I started to come out of my shell. He even called me babe and sweetie sometimes. This past week I am totally falling for him which is huge because I thought I'd never allow myself to get there after my ex.

All this seems really great but I am consistently having panic attacks as I fall for him more, and waking up in middle of the night sweating from nightmares of my past when the last 4 days he hasn't texted me goodnight, or called me sweetie, (but everything else has stayed the same.) The first night he didn't I told him I wished he did, and then he still forgot the next. I can't help but go back to the dark, manipulative behaviors this reminds me of from my ex. D also wants to eat me out which I want to try to do but he does know the one guy in the hookup forced it on me. D wants to perform oral soon because in his mind it will help me recover from the bad experience since the good one he'd give me would be in my mind. D doesn't realize that in order for me to allow him to eat me out, I need to feel the same security form him that I've felt the last weeks. Just the very thought of being eaten out brings on a panic attack of being held down and feeling a tongue down there.

I feel hopeless and sad that I am allowing past experiences shape how judgemental I am being with D. I mean, just because he didn't say goodnight means nothing but I am having panic attacks over it and I know I cannot bring all this up because we aren't even in a relationship yet; I have no right, but I still don't know what to do. I am so confused. I feel like a failure and like I don't deserve a good guy like tis.

You shouldn’t feel bad about worrying he didn’t tell you goodnight, it’s all about context. You should have a serious talk with him about this and explain him the situation, if he really cares, he will make sure not to forget to text you since it’s important to you. To me, you didn’t recover from your past damaging experiences and trying to find a hook up right now just isn’t the best option. You should try to focus on yourself in order to let go of all the emotional baggage that you carry around. I know you really like D, and you can give him a chance, but if he doesn’t understand how important those texts are to you and why they are so and pressures you intro oral sex, you should distance yourself from him. Give yourself time and allow yourself to heal from past experiences! You can try reaching out to a therapist if you want and have the possibility!

I think you are doing very well at getting back to normal. It may still take some time to get over everything. Hang in there.

I think you need longer than 3-4 months to heal from a long term abusive relationship, before embarking on a healthy consistent relationship with a good stable guy who does not provide the dramatic highs and lows, manipulation, gaslighting you experienced with your abusive ex.

Are you in some sort of therapy to help you through all these conflcting emotions?

I don't think you are helping yourself by having various hookups with men for sex.

That only serves to numb the pain, it's not helping you actually heal.

The pain and trauma are still there, and will always be there, buried and festering within, until you meet a man you like, after which those buried emotions will rear their ugly head and wreak havoc on your emotions and psyche, which is exactly what's happening now.

My advice is to stop having meaningless hook ups and stop dating and take steps to heal.

Introspection, self-reflection, reading, therapy.

It won't be easy, in fact the opposite.

But you need to feel that pain, deal with it in healthy ways (not by numbing through hookups or even dating) allow it to rise to surface to be released.

Otherwise, same shyt will continue happening as is happening now.

Just my 2 cents but you are still recovering from your horrible experiences. I suggest you find other ways to make yourself happy by making new friends, getting interests or hobbies that physically and mentally challenge you to gain your confidence back. Dating isn't the healthiest thing for you right now, and you should take a break from it...focus on yourself and your mental health.

I agree about needing longer than a few months to heal from that relationship and also forcible sexual assault. You have two things that are working against you right now(right now...it's not going to be forever permanent) that are going to prevent you from having something healthy, and I don't mean only a relationship but even a hook up situation. Even casual sex requires you to be mentally well. Right now you're kind of self medicating with sex to get over that relationship, and it's really not going to do you any justice.

Are you in the US? If so, I highly recommend The Hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/). They also have a live chat feature if you feel shy about talking on the phone. It's really helpful. In addition to that, there is RAINN(https://www.rainn.org/). They too have a live chat feature.

They aren't substitutes for therapy, but they can be really useful tools to add to your healing arsenal. I personally used the former at least 2 dozen times a few years back and it got me through very difficult moments.

Give all of this a rest and focus on yourself. You deserve it and owe it to yourself.

Have you considered therapy instead of a string of men to work through your issues? Be single and process the abusive ex and the guy that forced himself on you. Are you incapable of being on your own?

 

D, also wants to eat me out which I want to try to do but he does know the one guy in the hookup forced it on me. D wants to perform oral soon because in his mind it will help me recover from the bad experience since the good one he'd give me would be in my mind. D doesn't realize that in order for me to allow him to eat me out, I need to feel the same security form him that I've felt the last weeks. Just the very thought of being eaten out brings on a panic attack of being held down and feeling a tongue down there. I am so confused. I feel like a failure and like I don't deserve a good guy like tis.

Are you kidding me? That's as lame an excuse as there ever was one. You need to re-read your update because it makes no sense. D, is not a good guy based on your update. He's taking advantage of your emotional distress.

There should be zero pressure if he just wanted to be a friend. At this time, you should not be dating, or talking your business to other men. Take the time to first heal yourself.

Hi everyone, thanks to each and every one of you for replying to me. I actually have no problems being on my own; had been for 8 years before this last one. Therefore, I definitely do not have a problem being alone. At this point, I am at my rope's end and feeling pretty down. D has stopped telling me goodnight and canceled our date last night. We have been seeing each other twice weekly for a month now, and I do not know if it is within my right to ask him about the drop off. we were really hitting it off and I am not sure what is going on. I highly doubt my anxiety over this is because I was abused for a while; IO think other women would feel the same thing. IDK what to do at this point. Am I within my right to ask where this is going? Should I block and move on? I did get a therapist yesterday and will begin to get therapy in two weeks for this nonsense in the past.

Hi everyone, thanks to each and every one of you for replying to me. I actually have no problems being on my own; had been for 8 years before this last one. Therefore, I definitely do not have a problem being alone. At this point, I am at my rope's end and feeling pretty down. D has stopped telling me goodnight and canceled our date last night. We have been seeing each other twice weekly for a month now, and I do not know if it is within my right to ask him about the drop off. we were really hitting it off and I am not sure what is going on. I highly doubt my anxiety over this is because I was abused for a while; IO think other women would feel the same thing. IDK what to do at this point. Am I within my right to ask where this is going? Should I block and move on? I did get a therapist yesterday and will begin to get therapy in two weeks for this nonsense in the past.

I'd move on. I agree the guy sounds like a weirdo talking about making oral sex a good experience for you. He doesn't even know you. Aside from that, I think it's simply not the right time to see anyone; sex or more. There's too much swirling in your head that needs to be dealt with. This just serves as a distraction.

I'd move on. I agree the guy sounds like a weirdo talking about making oral sex a good experience for you. He doesn't even know you. Aside from that, I think it's simply not the right time to see anyone; sex or more. There's too much swirling in your head that needs to be dealt with. This just serves as a distraction.

Agree with this 1000%.

He wants to "eat you out"? Who even says that anymore? To describe such an intimate act that way is disgusting, imo. And I am NO prude.

His phrasing alone warrants a dump.

And thank you Cheetarah for changing to "oral sex." I dunno just my own personal peeve perhaps, but a man saying he wants to "eat me out" really rubs me the wrong way. Next.

In any event, this D person is no friend and I have no doubt once you begin therapy, your therapist will say same, and also that you need much more time and therapy before embarking on any relationship, let alone a healthy one.

Best of luck.

I'm not quite going to deem D a "weirdo," though I think what you guys have co-created is a pretty weird, heavy, and unsustainable dynamic for a month of dating. Or, put another way: I think that you, in a kind of weird headspace, found yourself entangled with someone else in a weird headspace, since water, as they say, attracts its own level.

As others have suggested, it doesn't sound like you've quite processed the sexual assault from Jan. I'm sorry about that experience, and can only imagine it stirred some of the deeper waters from that past abusive relationship. That's some stuff to sit with, to sort out in therapy, so you can date (serious, casual, whatever) without it being connected to all that.

In your case, I think you kind of subconsciously tried to "treat" your pain by going on a dating app and finding someone who was only interested in hooking up—because, well, you thought that was all you could "handle" in your current state, that "just hooking up" would push you into a healthier spot, eventually.

You kind of announced yourself as fragile, in other words—and D, I think, is or at least was attracted to your fragility. Just as you liked how he brought you out of your "shell," I think he enjoyed playing that roll—doctor to your patient, the gentle Svengali who could erase the pain of the past through goodnight/good morning sweetness and, ugh, oral sex.

Thing is? He only knows about all that pain because you're sharing it with him, and that's an awfully lot to be sharing with someone you've just started seeing. Speaking for myself, I've been in some dating situations where someone throws some trauma at me early—when a tepid kiss leads to a confession of how their last bf cheated, say.

There's a certain heat and fast intimacy to that, but that's when I generally pull back, get wary, reach for the eject button. I've got a storage unit packed with trauma myself—emotional, sexual, physical, the gamut—but I don't date to cure it so I don't want people gravitating toward me to heal their wounds and nurse them back.

While D maybe liked playing that roll from the outset, it meant he was using that to gauge things. He wanted immediate results, wanted the morning and evening texts to quickly give way to blissful oral sex. When there was a hiccup on that front—when you were too much a patient for him—it sounds like he backed off a bit because he wasn't getting the validation he's seeking from you.

My two cents, at least. Wherever things go with him—whether you can let them simmer without anxiety, or whether you need to cut it off to curb that rising anxiety—I think checking in with yourself is what's needed right now. Get a little stronger, a little sturdier and you'll attract people who are a little stronger and sturdier themselves.

It breaks my heart to think I ruined it all. The only reason I told him about the assault was because he didn’t t take no for an answer about it in the hookup that night, and pressed me for the reason. And all this month I didn’t bring up any drama at all. Nothing; played it casual and cool. Only he’s been asking for oral several times. I told him I would just that I need time.

Blue castle, you seem wise. Thank you for your input. But you make it seem like I brought up drama when the only thing I ever mentioned was the reason why I didn’t want oral.and I never once told him I was fragile.

I guess I always screw up everything. I feel like a failure.

Best of luck with your therapy caraviolin.

I think everything, including your "friend's" manipulative behaviour, will be brought to light in your mind and make a lot more sense to you once you begin therapy.

Re the oral sex, to tell, pressure, you about it under the guise it will make you feel better and get your mind off your ex (because he's so good at?) is manipulative and a load of crap.

Your therapist will help you understand this.

Wish you the best.

He even met my parents twice. I don’t understand: if he felt comfortable doing that and said good morning good night even after telling him that’s for boyfriend and girlfriend and held hands with me so much and told me “he wants to just hang with me outside of sex because I’m cool” then why the heck is he pulling back?

I don’t get it, please help me understand

Cara, we have given our two cents and advice, tried to help you understand.

Sadly it's not getting through.

Please talk to your therapist.

They have the tools to understand it and hopefully will help you understand too, better than we were able to.

My mother always said I tend to ruin things

It breaks my heart to think I ruined it all. The only reason I told him about the assault was because he didn’t t take no for an answer about it in the hookup that night, and pressed me for the reason. And all this month I didn’t bring up any drama at all. Nothing; played it casual and cool. Only he’s been asking for oral several times. I told him I would just that I need time.

Blue castle, you seem wise. Thank you for your input. But you make it seem like I brought up drama when the only thing I ever mentioned was the reason why I didn’t want oral.and I never once told him I was fragile.

 

I guess I always screw up everything. I feel like a failure.

Quick, take a deep breath. No joke. Now take ten more, eyes closed, before reading further. Do this.

Okay, you back?

You didn't ruin a thing here. In fact, with some new additions to the story, I'd say D the Weirdo ruined things. He wouldn't "take no for an answer"? Well, that's your answer right there: bye-bye D, all the best.

The ultimate show of respect to another human being is seeing them, hearing them, not seeing and hearing them as the potential for your pleasure, your needs, your hopes. He did not listen to you—in both the literal and cosmic sense.

Which brings me back to therapy, the importance of untangling our wiring a bit so we can see these things faster. In this case: so rather than processing this as "what's wrong with me?" you process a man, no matter how sweet, who doesn't take no for an answer as "not the man for me." You reveal what you are comfortable revealing; you don't reveal to make another comfortable at the expense of your comfort.

So while you may not have said to him "I am fragile" the truth here is that you are a bit fragile. "I guess I always screw up everything"—that there is fragility speaking.

Now, take another deep breath. For real. Because here's the thing: fragility is okay! I'm fragile too, so is every poster here. That's our precious stuff, the core of our humanity, and it's on us to protect it, to strengthen it when needed, and to share it only with those who earn it. D did not earn it, plain and simple. His loss, your gain.

Quick, take a deep breath. No joke. Now take ten more, eyes closed, before reading further. Do this.

 

Okay, you back?

 

You didn't ruin a thing here. In fact, with some new additions to the story, I'd say D the Weirdo ruined things. He wouldn't "take no for an answer"? Well, that's your answer right there: bye-bye D, all the best.

 

The ultimate show of respect to another human being is seeing them, hearing them, not seeing and hearing them as the potential for your pleasure, your needs, your hopes. He did not listen to you—in both the literal and cosmic sense.

 

Which brings me back to therapy, the importance of untangling our wiring a bit so we can see these things faster. In this case: so rather than processing this as "what's wrong with me?" you process a man, no matter how sweet, who doesn't take no for an answer as "not the man for me." You reveal what you are comfortable revealing; you don't reveal to make another comfortable at the expense of your comfort.

 

So while you may not have said to him "I am fragile" the truth here is that you are a bit fragile. "I guess I always screw up everything"—that there is fragility speaking.

 

Now, take another deep breath. For real. Because here's the thing: fragility is okay! I'm fragile too, so is every poster here. That's our precious stuff, the core of our humanity, and it's on us to protect it, to strengthen it when needed, and to share it only with those who earn it. D did not earn it, plain and simple. His loss, your gain.

I tried to rate you up but the website isn't letting me :( Thank you for the time you've taken with me here; I am a total stranger yet you gave me really good advice. You post really comforted me too. Thank you.

Thanks Katrina. I will bring up this all in therapy. And thanks to you all for replying to me.