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Thread: past abusive relationship coming back to rear its ugly head

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Cheetarah
    I'd move on. I agree the guy sounds like a weirdo talking about making oral sex a good experience for you. He doesn't even know you. Aside from that, I think it's simply not the right time to see anyone; sex or more. There's too much swirling in your head that needs to be dealt with. This just serves as a distraction.
    Agree with this 1000%.

    He wants to "eat you out"? Who even says that anymore? To describe such an intimate act that way is disgusting, imo. And I am NO prude.

    His phrasing alone warrants a dump.

    And thank you Cheetarah for changing to "oral sex." I dunno just my own personal peeve perhaps, but a man saying he wants to "eat me out" really rubs me the wrong way. Next.

    In any event, this D person is no friend and I have no doubt once you begin therapy, your therapist will say same, and also that you need much more time and therapy before embarking on any relationship, let alone a healthy one.

    Best of luck.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-24-2019 at 09:04 AM.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm not quite going to deem D a "weirdo," though I think what you guys have co-created is a pretty weird, heavy, and unsustainable dynamic for a month of dating. Or, put another way: I think that you, in a kind of weird headspace, found yourself entangled with someone else in a weird headspace, since water, as they say, attracts its own level.

    As others have suggested, it doesn't sound like you've quite processed the sexual assault from Jan. I'm sorry about that experience, and can only imagine it stirred some of the deeper waters from that past abusive relationship. That's some stuff to sit with, to sort out in therapy, so you can date (serious, casual, whatever) without it being connected to all that.

    In your case, I think you kind of subconsciously tried to "treat" your pain by going on a dating app and finding someone who was only interested in hooking up—because, well, you thought that was all you could "handle" in your current state, that "just hooking up" would push you into a healthier spot, eventually.

    You kind of announced yourself as fragile, in other words—and D, I think, is or at least was attracted to your fragility. Just as you liked how he brought you out of your "shell," I think he enjoyed playing that roll—doctor to your patient, the gentle Svengali who could erase the pain of the past through goodnight/good morning sweetness and, ugh, oral sex.

    Thing is? He only knows about all that pain because you're sharing it with him, and that's an awfully lot to be sharing with someone you've just started seeing. Speaking for myself, I've been in some dating situations where someone throws some trauma at me early—when a tepid kiss leads to a confession of how their last bf cheated, say.

    There's a certain heat and fast intimacy to that, but that's when I generally pull back, get wary, reach for the eject button. I've got a storage unit packed with trauma myself—emotional, sexual, physical, the gamut—but I don't date to cure it so I don't want people gravitating toward me to heal their wounds and nurse them back.

    While D maybe liked playing that roll from the outset, it meant he was using that to gauge things. He wanted immediate results, wanted the morning and evening texts to quickly give way to blissful oral sex. When there was a hiccup on that front—when you were too much a patient for him—it sounds like he backed off a bit because he wasn't getting the validation he's seeking from you.

    My two cents, at least. Wherever things go with him—whether you can let them simmer without anxiety, or whether you need to cut it off to curb that rising anxiety—I think checking in with yourself is what's needed right now. Get a little stronger, a little sturdier and you'll attract people who are a little stronger and sturdier themselves.

  3. #13
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    It breaks my heart to think I ruined it all. The only reason I told him about the assault was because he didn’t t take no for an answer about it in the hookup that night, and pressed me for the reason. And all this month I didn’t bring up any drama at all. Nothing; played it casual and cool. Only he’s been asking for oral several times. I told him I would just that I need time.
    Blue castle, you seem wise. Thank you for your input. But you make it seem like I brought up drama when the only thing I ever mentioned was the reason why I didn’t want oral.and I never once told him I was fragile.

    I guess I always screw up everything. I feel like a failure.

  4. #14
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    Best of luck with your therapy caraviolin.

    I think everything, including your "friend's" manipulative behaviour, will be brought to light in your mind and make a lot more sense to you once you begin therapy.

    Re the oral sex, to tell, pressure, you about it under the guise it will make you feel better and get your mind off your ex (because he's so good at?) is manipulative and a load of crap.

    Your therapist will help you understand this.

    Wish you the best.

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  6. #15
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    He even met my parents twice. I don’t understand: if he felt comfortable doing that and said good morning good night even after telling him that’s for boyfriend and girlfriend and held hands with me so much and told me “he wants to just hang with me outside of sex because I’m cool” then why the heck is he pulling back?
    I don’t get it, please help me understand

  7. #16
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    Cara, we have given our two cents and advice, tried to help you understand.

    Sadly it's not getting through.

    Please talk to your therapist.

    They have the tools to understand it and hopefully will help you understand too, better than we were able to.

  8. #17
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    My mother always said I tend to ruin things

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by caraviolin
    It breaks my heart to think I ruined it all. The only reason I told him about the assault was because he didn’t t take no for an answer about it in the hookup that night, and pressed me for the reason. And all this month I didn’t bring up any drama at all. Nothing; played it casual and cool. Only he’s been asking for oral several times. I told him I would just that I need time.
    Blue castle, you seem wise. Thank you for your input. But you make it seem like I brought up drama when the only thing I ever mentioned was the reason why I didn’t want oral.and I never once told him I was fragile.

    I guess I always screw up everything. I feel like a failure.
    Quick, take a deep breath. No joke. Now take ten more, eyes closed, before reading further. Do this.

    Okay, you back?

    You didn't ruin a thing here. In fact, with some new additions to the story, I'd say D the Weirdo ruined things. He wouldn't "take no for an answer"? Well, that's your answer right there: bye-bye D, all the best.

    The ultimate show of respect to another human being is seeing them, hearing them, not seeing and hearing them as the potential for your pleasure, your needs, your hopes. He did not listen to you—in both the literal and cosmic sense.

    Which brings me back to therapy, the importance of untangling our wiring a bit so we can see these things faster. In this case: so rather than processing this as "what's wrong with me?" you process a man, no matter how sweet, who doesn't take no for an answer as "not the man for me." You reveal what you are comfortable revealing; you don't reveal to make another comfortable at the expense of your comfort.

    So while you may not have said to him "I am fragile" the truth here is that you are a bit fragile. "I guess I always screw up everything"—that there is fragility speaking.

    Now, take another deep breath. For real. Because here's the thing: fragility is okay! I'm fragile too, so is every poster here. That's our precious stuff, the core of our humanity, and it's on us to protect it, to strengthen it when needed, and to share it only with those who earn it. D did not earn it, plain and simple. His loss, your gain.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Quick, take a deep breath. No joke. Now take ten more, eyes closed, before reading further. Do this.

    Okay, you back?

    You didn't ruin a thing here. In fact, with some new additions to the story, I'd say D the Weirdo ruined things. He wouldn't "take no for an answer"? Well, that's your answer right there: bye-bye D, all the best.

    The ultimate show of respect to another human being is seeing them, hearing them, not seeing and hearing them as the potential for your pleasure, your needs, your hopes. He did not listen to you—in both the literal and cosmic sense.

    Which brings me back to therapy, the importance of untangling our wiring a bit so we can see these things faster. In this case: so rather than processing this as "what's wrong with me?" you process a man, no matter how sweet, who doesn't take no for an answer as "not the man for me." You reveal what you are comfortable revealing; you don't reveal to make another comfortable at the expense of your comfort.

    So while you may not have said to him "I am fragile" the truth here is that you are a bit fragile. "I guess I always screw up everything"—that there is fragility speaking.

    Now, take another deep breath. For real. Because here's the thing: fragility is okay! I'm fragile too, so is every poster here. That's our precious stuff, the core of our humanity, and it's on us to protect it, to strengthen it when needed, and to share it only with those who earn it. D did not earn it, plain and simple. His loss, your gain.
    I tried to rate you up but the website isn't letting me :( Thank you for the time you've taken with me here; I am a total stranger yet you gave me really good advice. You post really comforted me too. Thank you.

    Thanks Katrina. I will bring up this all in therapy. And thanks to you all for replying to me.

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