I love him but our relationship is toxic

Hey! I love my boyfriend very much, don’t get me wrong, that’s why we’re still together to this day. We’re in highschool and we’ve been dating for an year. At first our relationship was great and all, but for almost 6 months all we do is fight. I made some mistakes, none of them were huge ones tho, he also made some mistakes. The relationship is so tiring and so toxic for the both of us. If I don’t respond to his texts for 1 minute he ll think I’m cheating or doing something weird, I always tell him where I am and send him like 30 picures a day with everybody who’s in my class. The thing is, he kind of does the same. When we see each other we always have a good time and there is a lot of love. But we fight on a daily basis and he always yells and tells me I’m a but the next day he loves me. I once told him I was tired of this and he still holds a grudge since “I can’t complain because I ruined the relationship”. I love him but he’s always blaming me for anything, telling me I don’t understand how he feels and how hard it is for him to be with me. I try to understand him but I simply can’t. I just wanna be able to go to the store without him stressing about it. It’s too toxic, we have arguments over nothing. He lost all of his trust in me and I know I’m not that good at understanding how relationships work, but I feel like all the work we are putting into our relationship is simply not worth it. When we go to college, we won’t be able to text each other non stop so we make sure we’re not seeing other people. Also, I haven’t hung out with my friends for 5 months or spent time with my family. I’m tired but I know he loves me and I always make him cry or stress or even throw up because “i don’t understant him” and I try really hard, things just don’t work out. I feel gulity to break up with him, and I also love him too much to do that. What should I do?

What makes you think that he “loves you”?

From what you just said he clearly doesn’t.

Ask your parents to take you to a doctor for a checkup and a referral to a therapist. You appear to have insight that this is "toxic", but you seem to need to educate yourself on abusive relationships, controlling men, and teen dating violence.

And talk to a therapist one-on-one privately and confidentially as an adult and discuss what healthy relationships look like and why you are pursuing unhealthy relationships. This isn't about this particular jerk. It's about unhealthy patterns you need to identify and stop.

He still supports me and always helps me with my problems, he still wants to make sure he doesn’t stress or does something weird. And at the begging of our relationship we both acted really childish and dumb, the only problem is that I acted that way a larger period of time than him, and that’s why “i ruined the relationship”, and he would just break up with me if he didn’t love me if I stress him that much. Or at least that’s what i think....

He still supports me and always helps me with my problems, he still wants to make sure he doesn’t stress or does something weird. And at the begging of our relationship we both acted really childish and dumb, the only problem is that I acted that way a larger period of time than him, and that’s why “i ruined the relationship”, and he would just break up with me if he didn’t love me if I stress him that much. Or at least that’s what i think....

He supports your friendships and family relationships, how? Is it not a problem for you that you are isolated? And that he is the reason for that?

Of course he is there for you! His goal is to make you dependant on him only.

Why would he break up with you? You are succumbing to his every request.

Get out NOW!

He supports your friendships and family relationships, how? Is it not a problem for you that you are isolated? And that he is the reason for that?

Of course he is there for you! His goal is to make you dependant on him only.

Why would he break up with you? You are succumbing to his every request.

 

Get out NOW!

He did help me make my life better in some ways, he helped me with school a lot, I ve been focusing on my future more, I stopped smoking for him, I also stopped drinking and doing drugs...And I really appreciate that, but tomorrow I’m starting tutoring for an architecture college and he s constantly telling me how he knows I’m gonna meet a boy here who’s into architecture and i’m gonna cheat on him and no matter how much I try to reassure him it’s not the case and that i only love him, he says it’s too stressful. I can’t focus on anything but i feel like I’m the bad guy if I break up with him after promising I won’t leave. I even considered giving up on tuturing just so he’s not stressing over it but I know it’s just stupid

Good on your for having enough insight to recognize this relationship is toxic and extremely unhealthy. It's not often that folks at your age really get that, simply from having a lack of life experience. The question now is, what are you going to do about it?

This is boy has some serious issues with control and anger. It isn't love, and it isn't something you can fix for him. You can see that modifying your own behaviour hasn't really done much but inspired him to control you even more. This is a very common strategy for abusers, OP. They tend to isolate their partners as much as possible, and it's already started. Being required to send pictures of everyone in your class isn't normal. Being too afraid to tutor because he thinks you will cheat isn't normal. Being under constant scrutiny because he doesn't believe you won't fall for someone else isn't normal. The level of control he has over you is disturbing.

And it sure isn't love. If he loved and respected you, he wouldn't be attempting to control and manipulate you like this. But he does, and the things he says and the manipulation tactics he uses would likely qualify and verbal and emotional abuse. Do you have a school counselor you can speak to? Can you let your parents know what is happening? This relationship won't end without drama from him, but you can't go on like this. This is no way to let yourself be treated. You are going to have to tough it out and mitigate the damage as much as possible with the guidance of an experienced adult who can help you. The few good points don't outweigh the overall dysfunction and unhappiness, and it seems you know this or this thread wouldn't exist.

Continue with your work and your career. It's not a good idea to hold yourself back as resentment will compound itself and manifest in lost opportunities over time.

Try and recognize that he is going through some severe issues with self-esteem that you cannot correct single-handedly. Those are issues that come from within him. Young relationships often don't survive because of failures to look long term and inability to pick battles. Pick your battles with each other. If you feel that your previous mistakes as a couple cannot overcome those severe issues with trust and self-esteem, let go of each other. This is not unique to young couples. Older couples also make mistakes and there are some mistakes that cannot be fixed.

Having intense romantic feelings for another person and being still in high school don't jive well.

You are both way too young (not fully developed or emotionally mature) to handle all this intensity in a healthy productive way, him especially, and it's manifesting itself into control, manipulation and mental abuse.

I see it a lot among young people, teenagers, it's quite common. Jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, mind games, control, manipulation, abuse.

Many aren't even aware what they're doing, they're simply acting on impulse and too young to recognize how detrimental it is.

Take steps to extricate yourself from him and this toxicity, prepare yourself for college and a more independent life. And frankly, fun!

You have your whole life ahead of you!

The best advice I can give you: you're too young to "work on things" if something isn't working out, it means it's not meant to be. The biggest mistake young people make is getting themselves into "mini marriages" where they're unhappy in toxic relationships. If something is toxic its gotta go. Maybe you guys can get reconciliation after some time apart and maybe it'll be less toxic a year from now..