Am I Being to Patient? Or Doing the Right thing...

Hi everyone - I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible, I could use some advice.

Im 33, and have a history of being very needy and pushy in the past with relationships. So... I met a guy about 2 years ago, we seemed to have everything in common and were completely infatuated. However it was a pretty lusty, typical type of situation that I knew too well and burns out quickly. Additionally at the time both of us were borderline alcoholics and fueled that problem quite a bit. He was also still a little too involved with his ex. As expected he decided to end it a couple months in.

A bit of history on us, we both have a long line of failed, not very long relationships. I guess we are a bit disfunctional there...so I suppose we both thought it would fail to begin with. However, a few months later we got back in touch and started to just casually hang out. For the first time, I actually wanted to be a better person and see if maybe there could be some sort of chance to try again...but I didn't want to jump into it like the first time. I dated other people as did he...but we started growing this very close friendship that involved a lot of encouragement to better each other as well as be completely honest with our feelings and who we were seeing, how we were feeling. We both got better jobs, stopped drinking heavily, and really grew as individuals with each others support. Eventually we ended up getting together romantically again, but decided that we were afraid to ruin it by trying to make a relationship out of it, and that we should just keep going as it was. I was happy with that for a bit.

About a year and some months into it we eventually ended up admitting that we were in love with each other, but scared to take the wrong step. I've also been dating another person casually on and off, but I realize I just have no feelings in comparison.

I recently proposed that we might have something really very genuine and good, and should consider a relationship because of the foundation we built, which we both admitted we never had with anyone before. We've actually helped each other become better people, and are definitely not the same two people who met at the beginning. He agreed, and said he really is considering that and has never felt the way he has with me...but is still so scared to be a couple. We have talked about not seeing other people, and there are plans for him to meet my parents. So things are moving forward, but him (and I guess myself too) is so afraid to put a label on it. I want to say that I don't want kids and am not particularly rushed to get married or anything like that, but still just want recognition that we are a couple. I mean we basically are, he's always there for me and we keep in touch every day and have regular dates. I basically think I actually discovered through all this what it means to care and love someone for the first time.

Basically my question is...I see things moving in the right direction now, but so so slowly. I don't know if I should just let this be and see how it pans out or try and put pressure on the situation of him being so afraid of being officially together.

Thanks! Thats probably a cluster f*ck of thoughts, but appreciate some third party input :)

-S

I think I would hold off on introducing him to your parents for now, OP. Unless and until you two decide to be an exclusive couple, it's not a step I would personally take. It might give you a false sense of intimacy and hope, and I wouldn't hedge bets on that until you two are more established.

Has he said what specifically he is afraid of? Is it the potential to get hurt if the relationship doesn't work out? Losing his independence?

It sounds like you two are doing pretty good. At it's core, a relationship is just a continuing series of dates.

In fact, it seems pretty typical. I mean that in a good way. Often, men want the relationship to stay the same, but women want it to progress - sometimes as far as marriage and kids.

If you have to, go ahead and push the relationship - you two have known each other long enough to meet the parents (wasn't that a movie?!). Don't nag too much though, guys hate that.

Treading carefully is wise for both of you.

The key is to keep the lines of communication open. Those deal-breaker conversations, albeit unromantic and buzz kills are a good foundation to a more serious relationship.

The best type of couples started with clean slates and fully prepared for exclusive relationships.

We're all a little careful these days and it's just smart to be that way, but every relationship requires a bit of risk to your heart.

If you are both willing to put all your cards on the table and open your hearts fully, then you might have something.

Good luck

Both of you need to work out your relationship with alcohol or substance abuse first.

Apart from that, just see how things go each week. If a man tells you he's afraid of committing to you after over a year, I think there are other issues at play (you may not be aware or your may not be sharing them here). I'd tread with a lot of caution and get to know each other more meaningfully (even more than now) first.

Sometimes in life when you’re really crazy about someone it’s hard to go slow but I have learned that going slow has always had a better outcome for me. When I take my time, when I reflect, when I pray about the decisions that I’m going to be making, they always have a better outcome. I will be praying for you, for God‘s direction and for peace with your decisions. You matter! and you are worthy apart from the love of a man. Big supportive hug.