Unable to commit but now in relationship with woman he’s never met

He is a typical Mr Unavailable. We were close once and we’d text all the time. I was coming out of a destructive relationship and soon our involvement became romantic. Despite his advances and “promises”, he was just unable to commit to a relationship with me. Just as things got to “the crunch” he’d panic, come up with some BS excuse to step back and ghost me. Despite his apologies, this happened twice. Then the third time he tried to start the BS cycle, pretending as though nothing happened... I was wiser and declined his repeated advances to meet up. Third time. Fourth time. You get the idea. We were never sexual.

It’s been two years since this all began. He’s remained single, searching online to date and casually hook up. After the second time he “bolted and ghosted”, he began communicating with this woman overseas. I could see their contact and interaction online increasing in intimacy, until most recently she’s declared she’s in a “relationship” on Facebook followed by posting “love songs” all over her profile. Mind you, they’ve NEVER met in person but they’ve maintained communication online for over a year.

During the last twelve months however, he’s continued to contact me in a flirty way (non-reciprocated) and even lashed out when I told him I was in a relationship and/or not interested. Most recently was in the last month.

Right now I can’t help but feel slightly jaded because he’s in a “Facebook official” relationship with someone he’s never even met. My feelings of low self-worth have crept back, and I’m hurt that she’s clearly “good enough” to commit to but I never was. I’ve done a lot of research on emotionally unavailable relationships, and this explains his BS cycle of behaviour. He’s 34 and he’s never been married. The longest relationship was several years (if that) which ended because he pursued a girl he’d been obsessed with since childhood. That didn’t last and he’s been single until now.

Just six months ago the overseas woman announced online that she was moving to his country, with some insinuation that she’d met someone “special” (clearly was him). That same week he was hitting up someone I know on a dating site, unbeknownst to him. Even today, his online dating profile and casual “hook up” profile are active.

But still... despite all the shady behavior, I can’t help but believe he’s now combusted in to the sort of person I wanted all along. I believe she reaps all the benefits based on the fact that he’s committed to her, despite not having met and she’s clearly smitten. Am I missing something?

Sorry you're in the spins a bit.

Being a little removed, what I see here are two emotionally unavailable people in a little knot.

Person One: him. Aside from his two years of promises-to-panic with you—two years that never got actually romantic in any way, shape, or form—he's now in a "relationship" with someone who exists only in pixels? That's the kind of relationship, at least ninety percent of the time, that people are drawn to and find "real" when they're not open to, you know, real romance. So, in short, kind of just sounds like the same vague dude you've only ever known him to be.

Person Two: you. Here you are posting about a guy who has long, long, long shown you that he doesn't have anything to offer you—a guy it sounds like you've done a lot of storytelling about based on social media and the occasional semi-flirty poke your way. No judgement—been in versions of your shoes—but I'm just saying: What's up with that? If you were genuinely interested in/ready for the real thing, in someone who was into giving you that, there'd be very little appeal in someone who, at best, has given you a whisper of that before taking it away. He'd basically be a shrug emoji in your life after a few weeks, not someone you've remained drawn to for two years.

One of those people you have control over—and that, of course, is you. Whether this dude is somehow turning the corner and about to ascend to Cloud Nine with someone from FB, or whether he's just doing more circling of the emotionally unavailable drain—what good does that offer you? What good, really, does he offer you or does wondering about him offer you?

Basically zero, going by what you've written, which leads me to the big question: Why do you think this guy—this guy with whom you've shared nothing romantically—continue to occupy such a large place on your emotional radar? Do you prefer fantasy to reality when it comes to such matters?

This is so obvious OP at least to me.

He is able to "commit" to her precisely because she lives overseas, thousands of miles away, she is no threat to his precious freedom and independence, and never will be.

Not until she starts talking about closing the gap, taking steps to actually move closer to him, meeting in person.

Also important is that this "relationship" is a big fantasy and everyone knows how compelling fantasies are.

Once reality hits (meeting in person), trust me, he will start panicking, ghosting, tossing her the same BS he tossed you.

He's a huge commitment phobe, classic case.

In short he's an emotional mess and you should consider yourself lucky he's gone from your life, block him and lose all contact!

Men like him can really mess you up if you allow it.

DON'T allow it!

Blue makes a good point about your own commitment issues OP.

They're passive while his are active, but they're there, alive and kicking -- two sides of the same coin.

Think about it, what woman who truly wanted a commitment would remain in this lunacy for two years?

She wouldn't!

She'd take a pass and look for a man who doesn't panic, ghost, toss her bs excuses, and who does want to commit!

Absolutely, you’re missing something big, what issues you have that have allowed you to stay in this situation.

To kinda go on a tangent here, I think many of these Mr. Unavailable online blurbs exist solely as click bait, it’s confirmation bias, in other words it’s telling you something you want to hear so you keep clicking. Many here swear by baggagereclaim. Please google it and take a long hard read. Because Mr. Unavailablea usually get with Ms. Unavailablea.

Don’t get me wrong, there are commitmentphobic people in the world, not denying that but him being ‘facebook’ official kinda negates that. I get that you posted to get people to tell you him and his new girl are destined to fail, but we can’t know that. So even if we say that, the calm will be temporary.

Butbyou facinf whats foing on with you? That’s where the true healing begins

First things first, you gotta stop with the Facebook stalking.

Second recognize the importance of your emotional health. You decided to start with him after getting out of a destructive relationship so you went from one unhealthy bond to another.

This is the most common aftermath of these choices.

It’s such a hard pill to swallow but if it doesn’t get swallowed the cycle just keeps getting repeated.

You have to look out for yourself.

Unfortunately it seems like this was the real reason he did not want to pursue anything. You were on the rebound and not ready to date.

Not every failed relationship or breakup or incompatibility is due to "commitmentphobia" and invented state for those who do not want to face the fact that things sometimes just don't work out.

He is a typical Mr Unavailable. I was coming out of a destructive relationship and soon our involvement became romantic.

Wow!!!

Committmentphobia is a thing and occasionally people rather believe that’s the reason something didn’t work out over look at their own issues.

But for a guy to still be present 2 years later giving the same crap? If things simply didn’t work out, then why would a wise man still be contacting her ?

OP, why do you care about someone you had a fleeting affair with? 2 years later?

I don't necessarily think he's commitment-phobic. It seems to me like he was just not that into you and didn't ever want to take it further. You were convenient when he wanted some attention but he wasn't interested in the same way you were.

The bottom line is that this online relationship he has with this other woman is not necessarily all you believe it is, anyway. Two people who have never met are playing with big odds by "committing" to each other, and maybe that's why it's comfortable for him. She is far enough away that he can still do whatever he wants without her finding out, and without having to make much personal investment. The might change dramatically when push comes to shove and they do meet and spend time together. Maybe it will be a disaster, or maybe it will go smoothly and they will wind up together.

What I have to wonder is why you are still following his love life this closely. You say you had told him you were in a relationship - is that still true now? Are you dating someone? You also say you were coming out of destructive relationship when you met him. Does that mean you were engaging with this guy before you broke up with your ex, or?

They have never met. Attraction is kinda rare. Many people that meet from online are not attracted to each other.

Anyway, stop pinning for this player and find someone else who is mature and sane to date.