My boyfriend is from a very poor and low class family

Hi,

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is a 30 year old man, with 2 master degrees from the college and a mediocre government job. His mother abandoned him upon birth and his father was never in the picture (he went to the jail and is still in jail for drug dealing and attempted murder, and my boyfriend almost never saw his dad). His mom married 4 times and has a son from every one of her ex-husbands. She didn't raise any of those kids, and right now is a drug addict living under social security government support. So my boyfriend was raised by his grandparents in a house where a bipolar and mentally unstable uncle lived as well (who is around 60 years old now and is single and never sought professional help). My boyfriend's brother (the only one in touch with my boyfriend) is living with a woman who constantly cheats on him and has 2 other kids from other men. All in all, everyone in that family seem to be either ill/addict and/or in an awful condition.

I was raised by my parents in a wealthy family and though they had arguments from time to time, but cheating and divorce had never been a thing to think about in my family, and as far as I am aware, no one even in my distant family ended up in jail ever.

Though my boyfriends' grandparents are good people, but I just think that him and I are from two different social classes family-wise and this really bothers me. I can never enjoy being around his family and constantly feel uncomfortable around them.

Could this be an issue in our relationship? What if he asks me to marry him? Should I consider this as well while making big decisions about our relationship?

Being rich doesn’t make anyone better. Neither should people be judged on the actions of others. Is it an issue? Yes. Elitism never works in a relationship .

Being rich doesn’t make anyone better. Neither should people be judged on the actions of others.

 

Is it an issue? Yes. Elitism never works in a relationship .

Agree, nor does snobbery.

Do you have to deal with these people? Does he have any relationship with them?

Agree, nor does snobbery.

Ladies, this goes way beyond "snobbery" and "elitism." His family has serious issues with the law, drug use, and a crap load of instability. If his family were loaded, I can't imagine she would want to sign up for this dysfunction, either. I know that I wouldn't.

She should have worded this better, by focusing on what a mess the family is, and not their lack of income.

MY issue is her elitism.

Every now and then. His grandma invites us over for Christmas, thanksgiving, Easter, and etc.

I probably worded it poorly. I never disrespect his family and I always try to blend in and mingle when I'm with them. But I never feel like I can like and treat them as my own family.Also, if I ever have kids from this man, I'm not sure I'd like them be around those people. Plus I'm afraid this mental/addiction genes run in their family.

I probably worded it poorly. I never disrespect his family and I always try to blend in and mingle when I'm with them. But I never feel like I can like and treat them as my own family.Also, if I ever have kids from this man, I'm not sure I'd like them be around their dad's family. Plus I'm afraid this mental/addiction issues run in their family.

I think that your concerns are valid. His situation will not change.

I think it is pretty amazing that he has achieved what he has, considering his circumstance.

If you are having these issues now, they will only get worse if you have to have contact with the father's side. I think you should make a decision as to what you want to do.

I think these hypergamous thoughts will continue to sit badly thought this relationship and will more than likely see you walking away from this relationship.

You are from a wealthy background and used to a certain standard of living. When you decide to have children, you will want to be supported by someone that can keep you at that same level, and as you are already thinking this guy wont be able to do this. While you are being nice to his and their faces about it, in your mind you are looking down at them.

Your boyfriend has 2 masters degrees and a stable job despite his background and upbringing.

What have you achieved despite yours and all the added assistance you had?

You said his grandparents are good people so why is there an issue with hanging out with them a few times a year?

Stop playing social worker. You do not respect him.

Hi,

He is a 30 year old man, with 2 master degrees from the college and a mediocre government job.

I just think that him and I are from two different social classes family-wise and this really bothers me.

I think this guy has such great strength and determination and achieved 2 masters and a stable job (even if his gf describes it as “mediocre”) despite all his adversity.

The only thing I would question is his poor taste in girlfriend?

She is worried about genetics and what their future children might inherit?

If she is lucky enough to have children with this man , I hope they inherit his strength of character and not her weakness.

Your boyfriend has 2 masters degrees and a stable job despite his background and upbringing.

What have you achieved despite yours and all the added assistance you had?

 

You said his grandparents are good people so why is there an issue with hanging out with them a few times a year?

 

I think this guy has such great strength and determination and achieved 2 masters and a stable job (even if his gf describes it as “mediocre”) despite all his adversity.

 

The only thing I would question is his poor taste in girlfriend?

She is worried about genetics and what their future children might inherit?

If she is lucky enough to have children with this man , I hope they inherit his strength of character and not her weakness.

I second all of the above. You clearly don't respect this guy. Kindest thing to do would be to end it.

In all honesty, if you're looking for someone rich and from an affluent family, maybe you could find that. But I doubt that you could find someone who comes from a family with no issues or skeletons in the closet at all. Everyone has family troubles and at least some family members who have mental illness, done something bad, etc. When I date someone, I try to primarily look at the person I'm actually with and what THEY can bring to the table, not the family.

Unless their family is in some way ruining our relationship with their behaviour or I suspect them to be abusive and they may potentially hurt our future kids, I would still give the relationship a chance. I really don't think that anyone has family where everyone is perfect and everything is good, that only happens on TV.

For example, my parents are upper middle class and educated respectable people, so am I. But my Dad's brother stole a lot of money from us and tried to stab my Dad with a knife. My Dad's father was an alcoholic his whole life and my Mum's brother was an alcoholic his whole life. I have also struggled with alcoholism myself at times.

My fiance is very intelligent, has an astrophysics degree and works as a software developer. However he does have fairly severe depression and anxiety and he's on psychiatric medications. His Mum had such severe depression that she couldn't even work most of her life and was on a disability pension. She got early onset Parkinson's disease and was very disabled by it at the age of 60 and committed suicide.

So as you can see there are a lot of issues here but I love my fiance and admire his strength and determination to achieve what he has because he does have debilitating mental illness. I suspect our kids will probably have mental illness too but I'm ready to accept that and support them.

I understand there are a lot of problems in your boyfriend's family, maybe a bit more than most people's. If you have a certain standard that all family members have to be educated etc. then I suppose you can look for someone like that. But if you think you'll actually find someone who has no issues and nobody in their family has any issues, you are mistaken. Even rich people with university degrees can cheat, take drugs, whatever else.

If you don't like his family, don't visit them. Let him visit them by himself.

You can have a good relationship without extended family.

And so what if his family is trailer trash? - he's not, and that's what matters.

I don't see the problem.

I've seen happy marriages where there was this type of difference in family backgrounds. And I've seen relationships break up before marriage because of these kinds of differences plus conflict within the marriage (but in my personal experience with the people I know, no divorce resulting). It can be challenging just like any significant difference in upbringing or religion or cultural differences can be challenging. It's reality. It's how you deal with it. I would not choose to deal with it most likely but would have made that choice wayyyy in the beginning when I first learned about issues like that. Not because of elitism but because of concern over the criminal elements in my potential partner's background/family (meaning even if he had "risen above it"). All else equal I may have chosen not to date that person despite being friendly with him.

An anecdote. Many years ago I dated a very nice guy who had an Ivy league education brought up upper middle class, investment banker in his 20s. Lovely person -not snobby, down to earth, motivated ,etc. I was of the age/stage where I overshared so I shared about my upbringing and how hard it was with my father's mental illness (nothing to do with financial concerns at all or a difference in education ,etc but yes, the challenges of mental illness for my mother and us). I shared at that time how I basically had no relationship with my father as a result despite that he was married to my mother and always had been in the household, etc. I may have even said I hated him- or close to it and shared stories from my childhood/teenage years. He said that he had a lot of friends in college/grad school and that their families (and his) were "normal." So I knew enough to respond "well then you probably weren't as close to them as you thought you were". Sure of course there are "normal" families - functioning, happy, stable, normal families. But in my experience I agree with the posters who mentioned that most families have various skeletons whether rich/poor/in between.

I think your worldview is very narrow. Poverty, mental disturbance, strained family relationships, a couple of obligatory drunks ruining every gettogether, "trailer park" lives...lol, what's new?

If you instist you can only coexist with someone who's had a seemingly perfect life and family, that's your right. You'll find all kinds of ugliness and dirt in the lives, families and characters of many such individuals too, but maybe you're the kind of person who doesn't mind, as long as everyone acts like the royal family and the sounds accompanying the family dinners are not trailer park ones but everyone's 200$ nail overlays clicking against the crystal and silverware.

Your boyfriend sounds like an admirable person, I hope he carries himself with dignity and isn't becoming aware of his background in a negative way because of your snobbery. A mediocre government job?? Really?? What do you want, lady? Some people would worship a man who scrubs toilets at McDonald's if he had risen above the dysfunction and adversity of his upbringing and background.

He is a good opportunity for you to expand your idea of what life is. It's austere and adverse and dirty and traumatic and disturbing and bruising many, many good people inside and out as we speak, and many are permanently broken by it. Are you not humbled by it in the slightest? Nobody is guaranteed they'll be spared forever like some precious seed potato in times of famine. If you think your body is precious, you may lose control of it tomorrow. If you think your posh family is precious, you may lose them tomorrow. The ceiling may collapse on you leaving you having to learn anew how to hold a spoon and read, your intelligence, abilities and career and reputation can be nothing tomorrow. If everything you have and are can be undone tomorrow, can you really think yourself above on account of it today? What remains when you're stripped away of income, comfortable housing, status, career, decent clothing and "upstanding" family and affiliation is an inner dignity and devotion to remaining untainted by squalor. Your boyfriend seems to possess that, and you are truly luckier than you'd deserve with your current judgements and disrespect.

You can limit exposure to his family if they are utterly distasteful. It's not like everyone has inlaws that can be endured for more than the absolutely unavoidable exchange of pleasantries (or the unavoidable five minutes of proving their own good manners by reacting to others bad manners with grace). Or you can decide to rise above the discomfort and accompany your boyfriend to theirs, observe, and try to imagine what it must have taken this young man to not turn into an abusive addict, and what inner morals he must have possessed since birth to decide to be a respectable person with nobody there to teach and model it for him. It'd make you a potentially much more helpful person to those who are disprivileged if you understood just what a trial of one's humanity such adverse circumstance presents.

Everyone gets their humbling experience sooner or later. When yours comes, I hope you will endure it with half the grace your boyfriend has.

I'm really saddened reading your post. Your evaluative judgements of people are heartbreaking. My effing eyes are actually watering, for real.

When i opened this thread, i thought you were going to talk about a guy who worked part time at a pizza place, gave every time to drug addicted relatives and was on food stamps. This guy has TWO Master's Degrees. Most people find that Master's Degrees don't get them where they want to go. This man is a quality person who has climbed up through adversity and is doing well for himself. I don't know what the government job is, but many people WANT government jobs for the security of them or they can use the experience to go somewhere else eventually. But people are able to work their way up. You say his grandparents are good people - YES they are, they raised their grandchild to be the man he is today.

I think the problem is not him- its YOU -- you are an elitist snob. You should do what you can to be comfortable around the grandparents - find out about what their interests are. If Grandma loves flowers but can't really afford them - bring her some - or do whatever you can to get to know these amazing people who raised their grandson into a caring, accomplished young man that you love. Obviously, he has learned a good work ethic from them and they believe in him.

The one line that mattered most in your post, OP, was the last statement about constantly feeling uncomfortable around his family. Regardless of education or social class, you do not have to put yourself in a position where you feel uncomfortable. End the relationship and be free to date whomever makes you happy.

Nobody else is living your love for you, so nobody else gets a vote. If you don't see a future with the guy, then you don't. Your reasons are your own, and there are no judges or juries to convince--so you don't need to build a 'case'. The whole point of dating is to screen out wrong matches for yourself, not to latch onto them and build a bond despite your reservations.

Allow wrong matches to pass early, and you needn't justify your reasons to anyone else.

The one line that mattered most in your post, OP, was the last statement about constantly feeling uncomfortable around his family. Regardless of education or social class, you do not have to put yourself in a position where you feel uncomfortable. End the relationship and be free to date whomever makes you happy.

Yes, I think there is a difference between not wanting to associate with someone who grew up in these circumstances vs. not wanting to be in a serious romantic relationship with the person.

The one line that mattered most in your post, OP, was the last statement about constantly feeling uncomfortable around his family. Regardless of education or social class, you do not have to put yourself in a position where you feel uncomfortable. End the relationship and be free to date whomever makes you happy.

There are middle class and upper class and ultra wealthy families with various family members that make people uncomfortable - the elderly aunt or uncle who has no filter and blurts out any old thing, the one sibling who was the drug addict or the one that did something to shame the family, the one that only wants to talk about burping. My cousin's opposite side of the family she only takes in small doses -- they are well off financially but when they get together they only want to drink wine and bad mouth people. the side of the family that we share has more modest means (VERY modest means) and are all respectful of eachother. So "class" doesn't give you class.

So you see his family at weddings and funerals and meet them out for dinner and he sees other relatives alone sometimes.

But i think the family is not the issue -- the problem is you don't respect him

I agree with the comments so far. I find it difficult to put myself in the OP's shoes as I'm not sure I've ever thought so badly about someone's upbringing before. Normally it was culture shock that did it but I had to contextualize and appreciate different people. My husband's family is Cuban and he grew up without a close relationship to his immediate parents. There were some difficulties there that have affected him long term but at the same time also made him who he is. I'm really grateful for everything he is - what we've learned together and I'm in awe of what he's done and what he continues to hope to achieve. So yes, perhaps it is all about respect for each other and a whole lot of appreciation.

I can view this lens from the opposite end a bit. I grew up in a poor (welfare) household. My father left when I was 7 and my sister was 3. My mother was 75% deaf and dealing with massive depression after the split. I also dropped out of high school 2 months before graduation. Somehow after a whirlwind of events, I work for a bank and do pretty well for myself. My father worked for minimum wage until a year ago or so when his back gave out. My mother hasn't worked for years since she hurt her back. They live on fixed income social security disability. Both my ex-wife and my current girlfriend came from much more means than I did. I feel weird being around their family as I don't feel like I fit in. Likewise, both my ex and my gf had some difficulty interacting with my family.

The difference being in my case that both I and the women in my life put effort into trying to connect with the unfamiliar sides. Because we loved each other. It doesn't seem like love is the overwhelming emotion here. I sense fear and mild disgust. You are literally afraid of him asking you to marry him. Please end it and let him find a partner that is ok with all aspects of who he his. Fish in the sea and all that.