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Thread: Is this suspicious behaviour...?

  1. #1
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    Is this suspicious behaviour...?

    So after being called “dramatic” and “crazy” and being told on numerous occasions that I am sabotaging the relationship or that I always jump to conclusions.. I have been left completely confused about my situation and I am now resorting to posting a thread in hopes that people can give me their honest objective opinions.

    I have been dating a guy for a short while (3 months) who I met online. I’m in my 30s and he’s in his 40s. Our first date was fireworks and we ended up at my place but no sex just talking and making out till 6am. After that, we became inseparable. He moved the pace extremely fast, wanting to hang out a lot, we had sex on the third date and A LOT of sex thereafter. He would sleep over every weekend and maybe once during the week. We talked 5 times a day. This went on for about a month and a half. For some reason, I always felt I couldn’t trust him but I convinced myself that it was my own insecurity because I fell for him too hard too fast and I knew this would be painful if it didn’t work out. I also didn’t like that he acted very cocky and arrogant at times (when I made him feel good about himself and it went to his head), and at other times very insecure and closed off (hence me trying to make him feel good about himself). It started a bit of a toxic cycle. For the most past however, the first 2 months were great, minus these issues.

    Everything went downhill when I got sick with the flu. I wasn’t able to see him for a week (which was a long break for us), and he ended up going out with some girl while I was sick and told me she was just a friend. I started checking his social media and saw some flirting with yet another girl, but it was too innocent to start a fight about it. My friend told me that he was technically free to do whatever he wants until we define some boundaries.. so I took her advice and had a talk with him about it. He said he was glad I brought it up because he wasn’t sure where we stand and that he wants to be exclusive. Great.

    After our conversation, he went and deleted some comments from his social media involving one of those girls but I didn’t bring it up because I thought “fresh start from now onwards since we agreed to be exclusive.”

    Ok I’m going to try to shorten this. Everything was fine for a week, and then we were having sex one night and he came inside me “by accident”. Of course I freaked out and had to take plan B which made me super emotional and on edge. Given that I was being emotional and not myself, instead of being understanding, he distanced himself and didn’t contact me for 4-5 days. (Probably because I was being emotional and clingy). So of course, I went to check his social media again, and I saw that he posted a video of himself drunk, in some random bedroom late at night with music playing in the background. He then posted another video of himself eating breakfast the same morning in that house (that wasn’t his). I totally snapped and confronted him about it, and he gave me some BS story that he was at a house party, meanwhile there wasn’t a single person in any of the videos and I heard a woman’s voice talking in the background of the video. I didn’t believe him so I dumped him, and he begged and begged and begged until I took him back. He still stuck to his story about the house party and he explained it so well that I started to believe him, but he at least admitted he shouldn’t have disappeared for 4 days and that he was sorry about that. He just needed space and wanted to party apparently.

    So once again, I’m thinking everything is fine between us. Then he leaves for a 2 week vacation (with his work friends which was planned before we met), and once again disappears and doesn’t contact me for 4-5 days. Then I go on his social media and I see that he’s posting videos having fun over there and even has time to put flirty emojis on one girl’s photo (same girl from before), but doesn’t have time to even send me a “hi how are you?”. So again I snap and this time I confront him about her too and he says she’s just a friend, and that I’m always investigating him and making him feel pressured and that he doesn’t need to check in with me all the time. We make up after this conversation, and then he starts messaging and keeping in touch daily until he comes back.

    In the meantime I had a (minor) surgery.

    When he came back from vacation, I was the one to reach out to him to tell him my surgery went well (he didn’t ask). Although everyone in my life came to check on me after surgery, he didn’t. He put it off for 4 days claiming he was sick and jet lagged, but then he went partying as soon as he was back and texted me at 2am that he’s thinking of me (I thought you were at home sick and jet lagged??). He did this two nights in a row, Friday and Saturday, after telling me he was sick. Sunday he finally comes to visit me, acts all grumpy because I couldn’t have sex (was still healing from surgery), only stays with me for 1 hour then tells me he has to go home to do laundry but that he would visit again on Tuesday. Tuesday comes around and he tells me he’s sick again. This time I didn’t even bother asking him if he was going to come visit because I already knew the answer. I started being cold and distant and he started compensating by contacting me a lot more and asking me how I’m doing .. but still not asking to come see me or making any plans. Then 2 days later, he posts this cryptic video on his social media of a bottle of liquor, some candles and 2 glasses. I got so upset at this point that I blew up and dumped him (again). I blocked his number for a few days so I don’t know if he tried to reach out, but then I unblocked him and reached out to him to tell him I saw the video and I’m done. (Didn’t mention the video the first time). Once again he gave me a story that he was having a drink with a guy friend and that’s why he posted that. Really? By candlelight at his place? He tells me those were scented candles because he had just cleaned and that I’m reading too much into it. I called him a manipulator and once again blocked his number. Then I unblocked it a few hrs later, and neither of us has reached out since. Not sure if he said anything after I called him a manipulator but he hasn’t tried contacting me again either.

    Now he’s posting stuff on social media eluding to the fact that he is upset... and I’m siting here hurt, missing him like crazy.. and asking myself if my trust issues are what led to this and if everything was innocent? Or has he just manipulated and played me? I have a ball in my throat because I miss him SO MUCH and I’ve had to hold myself back from contacting him to make up, because my friends have all told me not to. I wish I could be with him and it could be like it was when started seeing each other.. am I kidding myself here? please help. This hurts.

    Ps - I thought I should mention that ever since we’ve been seeing each other, he has only taken me on one date. After that, he started to come over every other night and since then he has never taken me out or planned anything for us to do outside of “Netflix and chill” with the occasional bottle of liquor that he’s brought over. He’s never even taken me out for dinner. I excused this behaviour because of how sweet he was being otherwise (before the infidelity suspicions).

  2. #2
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    Why weren't you using condoms? I can't believe that anyone uses the pullout method. Plus, what about STDs? Shaking head.

  3. #3
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    All of this in three months. You should have dumped him long ago.

    He is cheating on you, and has repeatedly. He has also shown you tremendous disrespect, but you allow it. Only one date since you have been exclusive, yet you continue to reward him with sex. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, and you have shown you do not value yourself.

    End this. I also suggest staying single for a long while.

  4. #4
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    We stopped using condoms when we talked about being exclusive. We both get checked out regularly and I thought I could trust him regarding the STD thing. We also talked about me going on the pill, because I’m allergic to latex, but the pill is not effective for the first month you take it. Before him, I was in a monogamous relationship for 1 year. I don’t sleep around.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    All of this in three months. You should have dumped him long ago.
    So I take it that you believe he was seeing other women, correct?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Devastated123
    So I take it that you believe he was seeing other women, correct?
    Yes. Even if he wasn't, he does not care about you and treats you like garbage. Do you usually allow men to treat you like?this?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Devastated123
    We stopped using condoms when we talked about being exclusive. We both get checked out regularly and I thought I could trust him regarding the STD thing. We also talked about me going on the pill, because I’m allergic to latex, but the pill is not effective for the first month you take it. Before him, I was in a monogamous relationship for 1 year. I don’t sleep around.
    Good grief. It takes time for HIV to show up. Is sex worth dying over?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    All of this in three months. You should have dumped him long ago.

    He is cheating on you, and has repeatedly. He has also shown you tremendous disrespect, but you allow it. Only one date since you have been exclusive, yet you continue to reward him with sex. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, and you have shown you do not value yourself.

    End this. I also suggest staying single for a long while.
    Thanks. I needed to hear this. I met him right after braking up with my ex, who I thought I was going to marry. So I guess I was in a vulnerable place, and I probably shouldn’t have been online dating to begin with, but it all happened so fast.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Yes. Even if he wasn't, he does not care about you and treats you like garbage. Do you usually allow men to treat you like?this?
    My ex was totally different actually. It didn’t work out for other reasons, mainly our differing views on marriage and children. Like I said, I was in a vulnerable place. I thought because we spent so much time together and because of how affectionate he was being (spending the night, giving me massages, being cuddly), that he was genuine. He is also having some financial issues right now so I thought maybe that’s why he didn’t take me out.. but I guess those issues didn’t prevent him from going out with other people.

    Can you tell me the reasons you think he treated me like garbage even if he was not cheating? I’m asking because it’s the cheating that brought me to this forum, but you said he treated me like garbage even if he wasn’t cheating. Can you elaborate?

  11. #10
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    You have known this guy for a couple of months and trust him with your health.please get smart and educate yourself.

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