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Is this suspicious behaviour...?


Devastated123

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So after being called “dramatic” and “crazy” and being told on numerous occasions that I am sabotaging the relationship or that I always jump to conclusions.. I have been left completely confused about my situation and I am now resorting to posting a thread in hopes that people can give me their honest objective opinions.

 

I have been dating a guy for a short while (3 months) who I met online. I’m in my 30s and he’s in his 40s. Our first date was fireworks and we ended up at my place but no sex just talking and making out till 6am. After that, we became inseparable. He moved the pace extremely fast, wanting to hang out a lot, we had sex on the third date and A LOT of sex thereafter. He would sleep over every weekend and maybe once during the week. We talked 5 times a day. This went on for about a month and a half. For some reason, I always felt I couldn’t trust him but I convinced myself that it was my own insecurity because I fell for him too hard too fast and I knew this would be painful if it didn’t work out. I also didn’t like that he acted very cocky and arrogant at times (when I made him feel good about himself and it went to his head), and at other times very insecure and closed off (hence me trying to make him feel good about himself). It started a bit of a toxic cycle. For the most past however, the first 2 months were great, minus these issues.

 

Everything went downhill when I got sick with the flu. I wasn’t able to see him for a week (which was a long break for us), and he ended up going out with some girl while I was sick and told me she was just a friend. I started checking his social media and saw some flirting with yet another girl, but it was too innocent to start a fight about it. My friend told me that he was technically free to do whatever he wants until we define some boundaries.. so I took her advice and had a talk with him about it. He said he was glad I brought it up because he wasn’t sure where we stand and that he wants to be exclusive. Great.

 

After our conversation, he went and deleted some comments from his social media involving one of those girls but I didn’t bring it up because I thought “fresh start from now onwards since we agreed to be exclusive.”

 

Ok I’m going to try to shorten this. Everything was fine for a week, and then we were having sex one night and he came inside me “by accident”. Of course I freaked out and had to take plan B which made me super emotional and on edge. Given that I was being emotional and not myself, instead of being understanding, he distanced himself and didn’t contact me for 4-5 days. (Probably because I was being emotional and clingy). So of course, I went to check his social media again, and I saw that he posted a video of himself drunk, in some random bedroom late at night with music playing in the background. He then posted another video of himself eating breakfast the same morning in that house (that wasn’t his). I totally snapped and confronted him about it, and he gave me some BS story that he was at a house party, meanwhile there wasn’t a single person in any of the videos and I heard a woman’s voice talking in the background of the video. I didn’t believe him so I dumped him, and he begged and begged and begged until I took him back. He still stuck to his story about the house party and he explained it so well that I started to believe him, but he at least admitted he shouldn’t have disappeared for 4 days and that he was sorry about that. He just needed space and wanted to party apparently.

 

So once again, I’m thinking everything is fine between us. Then he leaves for a 2 week vacation (with his work friends which was planned before we met), and once again disappears and doesn’t contact me for 4-5 days. Then I go on his social media and I see that he’s posting videos having fun over there and even has time to put flirty emojis on one girl’s photo (same girl from before), but doesn’t have time to even send me a “hi how are you?”. So again I snap and this time I confront him about her too and he says she’s just a friend, and that I’m always investigating him and making him feel pressured and that he doesn’t need to check in with me all the time. We make up after this conversation, and then he starts messaging and keeping in touch daily until he comes back.

 

In the meantime I had a (minor) surgery.

 

When he came back from vacation, I was the one to reach out to him to tell him my surgery went well (he didn’t ask). Although everyone in my life came to check on me after surgery, he didn’t. He put it off for 4 days claiming he was sick and jet lagged, but then he went partying as soon as he was back and texted me at 2am that he’s thinking of me (I thought you were at home sick and jet lagged??). He did this two nights in a row, Friday and Saturday, after telling me he was sick. Sunday he finally comes to visit me, acts all grumpy because I couldn’t have sex (was still healing from surgery), only stays with me for 1 hour then tells me he has to go home to do laundry but that he would visit again on Tuesday. Tuesday comes around and he tells me he’s sick again. This time I didn’t even bother asking him if he was going to come visit because I already knew the answer. I started being cold and distant and he started compensating by contacting me a lot more and asking me how I’m doing .. but still not asking to come see me or making any plans. Then 2 days later, he posts this cryptic video on his social media of a bottle of liquor, some candles and 2 glasses. I got so upset at this point that I blew up and dumped him (again). I blocked his number for a few days so I don’t know if he tried to reach out, but then I unblocked him and reached out to him to tell him I saw the video and I’m done. (Didn’t mention the video the first time). Once again he gave me a story that he was having a drink with a guy friend and that’s why he posted that. Really? By candlelight at his place? He tells me those were scented candles because he had just cleaned and that I’m reading too much into it. I called him a manipulator and once again blocked his number. Then I unblocked it a few hrs later, and neither of us has reached out since. Not sure if he said anything after I called him a manipulator but he hasn’t tried contacting me again either.

 

Now he’s posting stuff on social media eluding to the fact that he is upset... and I’m siting here hurt, missing him like crazy.. and asking myself if my trust issues are what led to this and if everything was innocent? Or has he just manipulated and played me? I have a ball in my throat because I miss him SO MUCH and I’ve had to hold myself back from contacting him to make up, because my friends have all told me not to. I wish I could be with him and it could be like it was when started seeing each other.. am I kidding myself here? please help. This hurts.

 

Ps - I thought I should mention that ever since we’ve been seeing each other, he has only taken me on one date. After that, he started to come over every other night and since then he has never taken me out or planned anything for us to do outside of “Netflix and chill” with the occasional bottle of liquor that he’s brought over. He’s never even taken me out for dinner. I excused this behaviour because of how sweet he was being otherwise (before the infidelity suspicions).

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All of this in three months. You should have dumped him long ago.

 

He is cheating on you, and has repeatedly. He has also shown you tremendous disrespect, but you allow it. Only one date since you have been exclusive, yet you continue to reward him with sex. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, and you have shown you do not value yourself.

 

End this. I also suggest staying single for a long while.

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We stopped using condoms when we talked about being exclusive. We both get checked out regularly and I thought I could trust him regarding the STD thing. We also talked about me going on the pill, because I’m allergic to latex, but the pill is not effective for the first month you take it. Before him, I was in a monogamous relationship for 1 year. I don’t sleep around.

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We stopped using condoms when we talked about being exclusive. We both get checked out regularly and I thought I could trust him regarding the STD thing. We also talked about me going on the pill, because I’m allergic to latex, but the pill is not effective for the first month you take it. Before him, I was in a monogamous relationship for 1 year. I don’t sleep around.

 

Good grief. It takes time for HIV to show up. Is sex worth dying over?

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All of this in three months. You should have dumped him long ago.

 

He is cheating on you, and has repeatedly. He has also shown you tremendous disrespect, but you allow it. Only one date since you have been exclusive, yet you continue to reward him with sex. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, and you have shown you do not value yourself.

 

End this. I also suggest staying single for a long while.

 

Thanks. I needed to hear this. I met him right after braking up with my ex, who I thought I was going to marry. So I guess I was in a vulnerable place, and I probably shouldn’t have been online dating to begin with, but it all happened so fast.

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Yes. Even if he wasn't, he does not care about you and treats you like garbage. Do you usually allow men to treat you like?this?

 

My ex was totally different actually. It didn’t work out for other reasons, mainly our differing views on marriage and children. Like I said, I was in a vulnerable place. I thought because we spent so much time together and because of how affectionate he was being (spending the night, giving me massages, being cuddly), that he was genuine. He is also having some financial issues right now so I thought maybe that’s why he didn’t take me out.. but I guess those issues didn’t prevent him from going out with other people.

 

Can you tell me the reasons you think he treated me like garbage even if he was not cheating? I’m asking because it’s the cheating that brought me to this forum, but you said he treated me like garbage even if he wasn’t cheating. Can you elaborate?

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He disappeared 3-4 days, and you were exclusive.

He did not check on you, or show interest after your procedure. I can return from a country with a 14 hour time difference, and am capable of speaking on the phone the same day. I can also do this after a 24 hour flight.

"When he came back from vacation, I was the one to reach out to him to tell him my surgery went well (he didn’t ask). Although everyone in my life came to check on me after surgery, he didn’t. He put it off for 4 days claiming he was sick and jet lagged, but then he went partying as soon as he was back and texted me at 2am that he’s thinking of me (I thought you were at home sick and jet lagged??). He did this two nights in a row, Friday and Saturday, after telling me he was sick. Sunday he finally comes to visit me, acts all grumpy because I couldn’t have sex (was still healing from surgery), only stays with me for 1 hour then tells me he has to go home to do laundry but that he would visit again on Tuesday. Tuesday comes around and he tells me he’s sick again. This time I didn’t even bother asking him if he was going to come visit because I already knew the answer. I started being cold and distant and he started compensating by contacting me a lot more and asking me how I’m doing .. but still not asking to come see me or making any plans." Does this sound like someone that cares?

" I thought I should mention that ever since we’ve been seeing each other, he has only taken me on one date. After that, he started to come over every other night and since then he has never taken me out or planned anything for us to do outside of “Netflix and chill” Sister, you are no more than a booty call! Damn! Expect more for yourself!

 

Lastly, healthy relationships do not move at hyper-speed. You should be going out on dates, not having dates in your house. C'mon. This is not normal, but someone that only wants sex.

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]Can you tell me the reasons you think he treated me like garbage even if he was not cheating?[/b] I’m asking because it’s the cheating that brought me to this forum' date=' but you said he treated me like garbage even if he wasn’t cheating. [b']Can you elaborate?[/b]

 

At the risk of being blunt, do you really need us to spell it out for you, girl?

 

It's all in your own post. He disappeared a couple times, never took you on dates. He didn't bother seeing how you were after surgery. All of this from an overgrown frat boy in his 40s who still apparently "needs to party" and goes to all-night house parties?

 

You need to gently extract your head from the sand, OP. He is no prize, even if he wasn't cheating. He doesn't appear to care that much about you to begin with, but he also sounds ridiculously immature for a man his age.

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My ex was totally different actually. It didn’t work out for other reasons, mainly our differing views on marriage and children. Like I said, I was in a vulnerable place. I thought because we spent so much time together and because of how affectionate he was being (spending the night, giving me massages, being cuddly), that he was genuine. He is also having some financial issues right now so I thought maybe that’s why he didn’t take me out.. but I guess those issues didn’t prevent him from going out with other people.

 

Can you tell me the reasons you think he treated me like garbage even if he was not cheating? I’m asking because it’s the cheating that brought me to this forum, but you said he treated me like garbage even if he wasn’t cheating. Can you elaborate?

 

Why would you worry about whether he cheated or not , when there was so much worse to worry about?

 

We don’t have any concrete evidence that he cheated on you.

But we do have evidence that he lied about being sick , clearly wasn’t to be out partying, that he was uncaring (didn’t ask how you were or come see you when sick) and ghosts on you.

And all of that within a mere 12 weeks.

 

Is your ONLY dealbreaker when a guy cheats?

And why??

Do you not believe that you deserve better?

It doesn’t sound like he even dated you?

His only “effort” was massages and sex? All things HE enjoys even if you enjoyed it.

But don’t you want more?

And he didn’t even put in that effort when there was no return for him! Ie sex.

 

I read your question differently to how others seem to have read it though?

It’s obvious he treated you like garbage , I read your question as to why he treated YOU like garbage not the explanation of how.

And sorry but my answer is because you accepted to be treated that way.

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Why would you worry about whether he cheated or not , when there was so much worse to worry about?

 

We don’t have any concrete evidence that he cheated on you.

But we do have evidence that he lied about being sick , clearly wasn’t to be out partying, that he was uncaring (didn’t ask how you were or come see you when sick) and ghosts on you.

And all of that within a mere 12 weeks.

 

Is your ONLY dealbreaker when a guy cheats?

And why??

Do you not believe that you deserve better?

It doesn’t sound like he even dated you?

His only “effort” was massages and sex? All things HE enjoys even if you enjoyed it.

But don’t you want more?

And he didn’t even put in that effort when there was no return for him! Ie sex.

 

I read your question differently to how others seem to have read it though?

It’s obvious he treated you like garbage , I read your question as to why he treated YOU like garbage not the explanation of how.

And sorry but my answer is because you accepted to be treated that way.

 

No that’s not my only dealbreaker. You’re right, there were many things that bothered me but I was giving this time to see if it developed into something more serious. Perhaps that was my mistake in all this. Sometimes being lonely after a breakup can make you tolerate too much with the rebound guy.

 

All that aside, does anyone ACTUALLY believe that was a house party?? Who the $&!? throws a house party and then wakes up to make breakfast for everyone.. yet there was only his plate in the video and a woman talking in the background. I thought from all the shadiness and lying.. this was the most concrete evidence I had and I should’ve just walked away right then and there (if not beforehand, for all the reasons you mentioned above)

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At the risk of being blunt, do you really need us to spell it out for you, girl?

 

It's all in your own post. He disappeared a couple times, never took you on dates. He didn't bother seeing how you were after surgery. All of this from an overgrown frat boy in his 40s who still apparently "needs to party" and goes to all-night house parties?

 

You need to gently extract your head from the sand, OP. He is no prize, even if he wasn't cheating. He doesn't appear to care that much about you to begin with, but he also sounds ridiculously immature for a man his age.

 

Definitely very immature. And you’re right. He is no prize. Thanks

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All of this in three months. You should have dumped him long ago.

 

He is cheating on you, and has repeatedly. He has also shown you tremendous disrespect, but you allow it. Only one date since you have been exclusive, yet you continue to reward him with sex. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, and you have shown you do not value yourself.

 

End this. I also suggest staying single for a long while.

 

- Holly, you sound like me!

 

Wow, all this in three months? Usually it takes people 10 years of bad marriage to have all those train wreaks.

 

This guy is coo-coo for cocoa puffs.

 

They have to be sane to be a good catch

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Everyone, for the record: I enjoyed the sex a lot. I don’t believe in using sex to reward good behaviour or withholding it to play games. I was enjoying the sex and companionship and sleep overs, and I was waiting to see if it develops into something more. As women, we always get told not to act too “needy” or have too many expectations at the start of a budding relationship, so I was trying to wait it out a bit. Obviously when I felt I was being cheated on (after talking about being exclusive) and also when I felt neglected after my surgery, $#it hit the fan. But it doesn’t mean I saw it coming from day 1 and it also doesn’t mean I didn’t think this situation would lead to something more serious over time.

 

In response to the last comment, I explained that I’ve had trust issues in past relationships and I try very hard not to let my own issues cloud my judgment. I couldn’t tell if my feelings of distrust where well- founded which is why I started checking his social media. It was only when I saw what I felt was real evidence of cheating, that I realized my gut feelings were more than just a fear.

 

It seems to be the general consensus here that he treated me like garbage. Is everyone basing this on the amount of time we spent together and our talks of being exclusive? Or are people basing this on any type of relationship, short or long, casual or serious? Just trying to understand. A girlfriend of mine told me not to have high expectations for the first 6 months of a relationship, but I feel like ghosting someone for 4-5 days, even 2 months in, after building a pattern of communicating daily and spending a lot of time together, is unacceptable, no? And so is the lack of checking in after my surgery. I mean he was sending messages daily asking how the recovery is going, but he wasn’t actually coming to spend the time or offer to take care of me in any way. I don’t know if I was expecting too much in this regard, either. I just know that I would do it for him. And given how many times I took care of him when he wasn’t feeling well (I would massage his back when he had neck problems, and give him nutrition advice when he had stomach issues for example), I would want the same to be reciprocated.

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Wait it out! You should have expectation of having dates outside your home, if you do not, then these are booty calls. I cannot imagine being with someone for months, and not have gone on regular dates, much less none.

 

As you have reentered the dating world, you need to expect more from a FWB or a potential partner. You have ALLOWED yourself to be treated as a hook up. This guy is awful. i would have kicked him to the curb, after our first date, and it would not have been in my home.

 

Please do not date for a long while. You need to get your self esteem back.

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Is this girlfriend of yours in a healthy relationship? Telling you not to expect anything resembling decent treatment for the first six months leads me to believe she has settled for a poor relationship and thinks all of them are like hers.

 

Funny enough she’s in a similar situation herself. She met a guy online a few months ago and they have been having “house dates” ever since. Basically they are sleeping together casually, but they spend a ton of time together. Unlike me, she hasn’t snooped on him so she has no idea what he does when she is not around, but they see each other a lot so she’s not concerned. She’s not bothered by the lack of dates because she enjoys the sex and company and is taking it slow and waiting to see where it goes. She gave me the same advice. I tried to follow it. At first things were going great but once I started checking his social media, I started realizing he might be playing me. He didn’t know I was checking his social media because I don’t have Facebook or anything like that. I used a friend’s account to log in and snoop and he had no clue until I blew up on him that one day.

 

The reason I ended up on here is because I constantly ask myself, had I not gone snooping for evidence, and did not know a lot of the info I wrote about, was he still toxic and not worthy of investing anymore time? That’s why I came here for opinions on the cheering. But yeah everyone is right that he was not treating me well, otherwise. I just don’t know the extent of what was considered “casual behaviour” for someone you just met and started dating, and what was considered unacceptable at any stage (casual or not). I’m not that bothered by the “home dates”. We were actually planning a vacation together (something I did not mention). I’m more bothered by the infidelity (or suspicious behaviour), the lying and the ghosting those two times.

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Generally speaking, whirlwind romances crash and burn as quickly as they arrived in the first place, and your experience sounds quite typical. It's nothing to do with you, and you can be fairly sure that once the thrill and excitement of a new relationship was over, he was on to his next victim. Dating is a time to get to know the person, know what makes them tick, find out what their values are... it takes around three months to know whether you've got a relationship or not. And with this kind of person, you clearly haven't, and never will. Let yourself know that you can't 'sabotage' a relationship that was never there in the first place.

 

If you find yourself overwhelmed with romantic feelings for someone you don't really know - get a grip. People - of both sexes - who are serious about a long term relationship will take their time and get to know you without piling on heaps of hormone-fuelled pressure. Not as exciting, certainly, but much more likely to last long term. Holding back from sleeping with a new partner will eliminate all the players very quickly.

 

You may find this website very helpful in assessing the behaviour of new people in your life:https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-landmarks-of-healthy-relationships/

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