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Thread: Mentally abusive mother, or I am ungrateful and immature?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    maybe that reply could've been more useful if you elaborated on the contradictions and confusion you find in the opening post, or how OP could compensate her poor mother for being an only child/ a confusing one at that - is that what you're saying? What *are* you saying? Because it sounds rather rude. At least elaborated criticism may benefit someone if they take it into consideration as tough love. Nobody can draw benefit from being insulted.
    Agree ......

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Notmi, You need to live your own life. Be brave and do what you want to do. Either your parents will accept your decisions and choices or not. Your guilt should be no more.

    The normal progression in life as a parent and grown adult child is to allow baby birds to grow up and fly away from the nest. It's a transition and adjustment every parent must make. I know because I am a mother.

    If you want to go abroad, go abroad. Travel and work. Carve out your own new life and happiness.

    Unfortunately, sometimes estrangement is the only way to attain peace. I hope it doesn't come to that though. Hopefully, your mother will come around and / or your parents as a whole will be on your team. If not, that is their problem, not yours.

    Put your foot down, stand on your own two feet and live your own life.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    She's a helicopter mom, and the best way to deal with her is to take away what she wants when she misbehaves. For instance, "Mom, I adore you, but if the price of doing business with you is criticism, then you'll be seeing less of me, not more. Decide whether you want to enjoy a good relationship with me, or whether you'd prefer my absence. If you want me around, practice treating me with the same courtesy and respect you'd pay to a neighbor, and we'll get along fine."

    Teach mom that good treatment gains her access to you, and lousy treatment does NOT prompt fighting--that rewards her with engagement--but rather it prompts your immediate withdraw and goodbye. "Mom, I love you, and we can speak again when you're willing to curb the complaints." Done.

    You don't need to fight with her, that's a lose/lose. You won't be able to convert her to your position that way, because her agreement would end the convo, but keeping you engaged is her goal. So the more you fight with her, the more you're feeding the beast. Skip that. Negotiate what you want with your father, and engage Mom only with kindness as a model for the treatment you want from her. The moment she turns critical, say, "Great speaking with you, Mom. Let's do it again when you have something kind to say, but for now I'll take your criticism and consider it--and I need to go." Respond to any reaction with, "Love you, Mom. Bye."

    Head high.

  4. #14
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    Honestly, all her expectations are riding on you - having one child to put all her energy into - even if that energy was working her rear end off to provide, etc, and pushing you to go into college, not eat junk, etc. Maybe she is living vicariously? Did she come from a big family where she was lost in the shuffle, did she not get to college but wanted to do so? maybe you should look at her through a different lens - that this woman did the best she knew how, but missed. Why not be an adult now, get a job and move out of the house?

    Btw, are you in an Asian family? I ask because your mom talks about that you must marry by 25, etc?

    Either way, instead of demonizing mom and putting dad on a pedestal, come into your own

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Honestly, all her expectations are riding on you - having one child to put all her energy into - even if that energy was working her rear end off to provide, etc, and pushing you to go into college, not eat junk, etc. Maybe she is living vicariously? Did she come from a big family where she was lost in the shuffle, did she not get to college but wanted to do so? maybe you should look at her through a different lens - that this woman did the best she knew how, but missed. Why not be an adult now, get a job and move out of the house?

    Btw, are you in an Asian family? I ask because your mom talks about that you must marry by 25, etc?

    Either way, instead of demonizing mom and putting dad on a pedestal, come into your own
    No I am not from an asian family. I am not putting dad on a pedestal. My dad wont support me in this. I wanted to write about him too but did not have time while writing the original post. My dad knows she is being controlling and he avoids every kind of fight with her. He just does what she asks him to and when we all fight he never speaks. I have blamed him for this too many times. I have told him that as a parent his job is to protect his child even from its own mother. He says mum loves you more than her life and stuf like that.
    No my mom was not lost in shuffle. She was from a poor family, got into collage finished law school like a charm and was independent by the age of 23-24. She did whatever she wanted to. Her parents supported her as much as they could and loved her a lot. I am trying to finish my thesis to get my degree and get a job, I have absolutely no time to work part time.
    What tortures me is that I am very alone in this world. I want her company. I would like to be a pleasant thing to visit them.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Notmi
    No I am not from an asian family. I am not putting dad on a pedestal. My dad wont support me in this. I wanted to write about him too but did not have time while writing the original post. My dad knows she is being controlling and he avoids every kind of fight with her. He just does what she asks him to and when we all fight he never speaks. I have blamed him for this too many times. I have told him that as a parent his job is to protect his child even from its own mother. He says mum loves you more than her life and stuf like that.
    No my mom was not lost in shuffle. She was from a poor family, got into collage finished law school like a charm and was independent by the age of 23-24. She did whatever she wanted to. Her parents supported her as much as they could and loved her a lot. I am trying to finish my thesis to get my degree and get a job, I have absolutely no time to work part time.
    What tortures me is that I am very alone in this world. I want her company. I would like to be a pleasant thing to visit them.
    So your dad is an enabler.
    You did say your dad was a kind man and you gave no redeeming qualities about mom. If mom was from a poor family, that is why she pushed you. She knows what it is like to have nothing and need to work hard to succeed.

    Sometimes mothers and daughters don't get along until after a few years after daughter moves out and comes into her own. keep that in mind. you need to get out on your own, get into your career and when mom sees you are doing okay - then things may shift.

  8. #17
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    What tortures me is that I am very alone in this world.

    that is not her fault. I know only children who have tons of friends, are close to extended family, etc and are far from alone. you cannot pin that on your parents. Alone is of your choosing.

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