Dating someone with cancer

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. Last year he was diagnosed with cancer. I was there through all the chemo and radiation. He recently found out his cancer came back and spread. He has a year to live.

His exgirlfriend came to visit, and is staying at his apartment for a few days. I wokeup late yeaterday morning, peeked in the living room to say gd morning but didnt see them. I walked in further to see him laying on the couch and her right alongside him sitting on the floor..i was a little bit bothered. Caught me by surprise. I said good morning and went to use the bathroom. When i came out, my boyfriend went back to the bedroom to nap. She came and stayed a few days last year and it was extremely uncomfortable. We had lunch yesterday, and it made me feel uncomfortable again. They were both eating out of each other's plates and exchanging meals. It seemed as if i were nonexistent. I really dont want to seem petty. Nor do i think i have the right to be upset given what he is going through.

What do u guys think? Is this normal?

Be supportive not petty. He is in the process of "saying goodbye" to everyone. Many people with terminal illnesses go through this to make peace with the fact that their time is limited.

He has a year to live.

I didnt being this up to him. I do understand that, thats why i decided to stay at my own apartment to give them time alone. Thanks

Was this ex gf present in his life for the past two years? Or only since his diagnosis?

How long were they together?

When my cousin was terminal with cancer and newly married I deferred to her husband's wishes as far as my access to her (which he limited only when he thought she wasn't up to company -not from me, from anyone). What I would do by way of support is step aside. Tell him that you are there for him and with him and tell him you can't take care of him if you don't take care of yourself too. And that that means not letting yourself be in harmful situations. Tell him you are not able to be there for him as a girlfriend if he also is wanting to act like a couple with his ex or any other woman. That you will be there as a supportive friend and keep your emotional distance-which will help you help him too as you can start to distance yourself romantically and not feel as much resentment. Yes, he shouldn't be "restricted" and yes you're entitled to respect and self-care.

She's only there a few days. He's coming to bed with you at night. There's no real good way to say it, but if he's short-term terminal, it's kinda inconsequential. That's not saying put up with him slipping some tongue with her right in front of you, but if the combination of his time being very finite and her only being around a few days lets them enjoy the friendly aspect they once had, I say let him enjoy it. Nothing's going to come of it. Honestly, I wouldn't even be tagging along to their lunches. That sounds incredibly awkward to me. If she's sleeping on the couch while you and he say goodnight to her and go to your room together, there's not much more "territory" to stake from there.

I don't care what excuse he has - he's not supposed to have two girlfriends.

Her heart and love, does not hear excuses.

Yeah, I wouldn't like this one bit. Not cool. At all.

She's using his illness as a an excuse to insert herself into his life, and he's using their past as a way to push you aside, thus your feeling that you are the 3rd wheel. You are the 3rd wheel.

As cold as this sounds, I'd step out of this relationship as a girlfriend, and wish him well as a friend, and go on and live my life.

She's only there a few days. He's coming to bed with you at night. There's no real good way to say it, but if he's short-term terminal, it's kinda inconsequential. That's not saying put up with him slipping some tongue with her right in front of you, but if the combination of his time being very finite and her only being around a few days lets them enjoy the friendly aspect they once had, I say let him enjoy it. Nothing's going to come of it. Honestly, I wouldn't even be tagging along to their lunches. That sounds incredibly awkward to me. If she's sleeping on the couch while you and he say goodnight to her and go to your room together, there's not much more "territory" to stake from there.

This!!!

Cut and paste to your fridge.

No one knows what his ex's motives are, but for goodness sakes, if it brings him a sense of peace for a few days in the short time he has left on this earth, then graciously grant him that.

Jealousy and suspicion have no place in a situation like this. None, zero, zilch!

Your bf has a year to live. Be supportive and strive to make his last days the best they can be.

To add: if you choose to essentially abandon him now, wish him well and go on with your life (without him or as a distant "friend"), all because his ex is visiting for a few days, for whatever reasons, I can only imagine the guilt you will feel after he passes.

For not being there for him in his last days, allowing yourself to succumb to jealousy and suspicion.

You will have to live with that for the rest of your life.

Why not befriend his ex for the very short time she's there? Allow them their time, but as j.man said, she's on couch, you're in his bed, your bed together.

Focus on that and the strength of your mutual love and connection.

She'll be leaving in a few days anyway.

JMO, GL.

To add: if you choose to essentially abandon him now, wish him well and go on with your life (without him or as a distant "friend"), all because his ex is visiting for a few days, for whatever reasons, I can only imagine the guilt you will feel after he passes.

 

For not being there for him in his last days, allowing yourself to succumb to jealousy and suspicion.

 

You will have to live with that for the rest of your life.

 

Why not befriend his ex for the very short time she's there? Allow them their time, but as j.man said, she's on couch, you're in his bed, your bed together.

 

Focus on that and the strength of your mutual love and connection.

 

She'll be leaving in a few days anyway.

 

JMO, GL.

Apparently he has a year to live. It's a bit like the oxygen analogy - put the mask on yourself before you try to assist the other person. Here, she has to make sure she is practicing adequate self care so she can be there for him. She has to decide whether seeing him play at being a couple with his ex is something she can stomach enough to be present for him now.

Hi ex-girlfriend shouldn't be spending the night. I stand by my words.

She can stay at a hotel.

I think it's plenty fair if she believes her emotional and psychological threshold wouldn't withstand being there for him in a romantic capacity as his life comes to an end. And as callous as it may sound, two years isn't really the stage I'd argue anyone could be obligated despite themselves to see someone through to their end.

But if the real motivation, even if in conjunction with the previous clause, is because she sat on the floor next to the couch and picked some french fries off his plate during a short stay is something that would end up pretty universally regrettable, to agree with Kat. I can't speak to her motives and I'm sure he appreciates the attention, but I'm not seeing the huge sin some people are being pretty next level petty about given the circumstances. She's simply not acting like the third wheel people would like her to be.

Apparently he has a year to live. It's a bit like the oxygen analogy - put the mask on yourself before you try to assist the other person. Here, she has to make sure she is practicing adequate self care so she can be there for him. She has to decide whether seeing him play at being a couple with his ex is something she can stomach enough to be present for him now.

I actually don't see how he and his ex are acting like a "couple."

Again OP is in their bed together every night.

What I see is suspicion, jealousy, distrust, which emotions have been projected onto this thread.

Any discomfort she's feeling is on her.

Ex is there for just for a few days.

That's my take and sticking to it. :)

To add, of course OP is entitled to feel how she feels.

I just think if she walks away right now as the supportive loving gf she's been for two years, all because an ex-gf is visiting for a few days, she will regret it after he passes.

Thanks for the advice. I fully understand that. Before my post on this forum, ive made the decision to give them time alone and step back. Its also awkward because theres a few times she has asserted herself and said shes number one.

She's only there a few days. He's coming to bed with you at night. There's no real good way to say it, but if he's short-term terminal, it's kinda inconsequential. That's not saying put up with him slipping some tongue with her right in front of you, but if the combination of his time being very finite and her only being around a few days lets them enjoy the friendly aspect they once had, I say let him enjoy it. Nothing's going to come of it. Honestly, I wouldn't even be tagging along to their lunches. That sounds incredibly awkward to me. If she's sleeping on the couch while you and he say goodnight to her and go to your room together, there's not much more "territory" to stake from there.

This!!!

 

Cut and paste to your fridge.

 

No one knows what his ex's motives are, but for goodness sakes, if it brings him a sense of peace for a few days in the short time he has left on this earth, then graciously grant him that.

 

Jealousy and suspicion have no place in a situation like this. None, zero, zilch!

 

Your bf has a year to live. Be supportive and strive to make his last days the best they can be.

i decided to sleep in my own apartment while she is here. Guys, I have no intentions of leaving him. I do love him. It just doesnt feel good. There is a bestwestern on the same block.

Who cares what she thinks, she's leaving in a few and you, his gf, will still be there.

You KNOW you're number one and so does he.

i would seriously try to rise above any bs she is attempting to insert.

Remain strong during his last days.

Do not allow yourself to feel intimidated or manipulated by this woman (which you would be allowing if you leave), and again focus on you and your bf's mutual love and connection.

Again, jmo, best of luck and silent prayers for your bf that his final days are joyful and peaceful.

Truthfully, part of me feels that way. But part of me also feels they can be a bit more considerate of my feelings. Its not french fries, its full blown eating from bowls and swapping plates back and forth. Slurping noodles. She walks into the bedroom whenever she wants. Even when he is changing. Is this normal?

She's only there a few days. He's coming to bed with you at night. There's no real good way to say it, but if he's short-term terminal, it's kinda inconsequential. That's not saying put up with him slipping some tongue with her right in front of you, but if the combination of his time being very finite and her only being around a few days lets them enjoy the friendly aspect they once had, I say let him enjoy it. Nothing's going to come of it. Honestly, I wouldn't even be tagging along to their lunches. That sounds incredibly awkward to me. If she's sleeping on the couch while you and he say goodnight to her and go to your room together, there's not much more "territory" to stake from there.

I actually don't see how he and his ex are acting like a "couple."

 

Again OP is in their bed together every night.

 

What I see is suspicion, jealousy, distrust, which emotions have been projected onto this thread.

 

Any discomfort she's feeling is on her.

 

Ex is there for just for a few days.

 

That's my take and sticking to it. :)

Feelings are feelings. One thing I've learned is it does not good trying to bottle them up , telling ourselves we shouldn't feel a certain way. Better what you are doing, talking it through away from the direct people involved.

I understand how it could be difficult seeing his ex there , lying by the couch and eating food off his plate. It implies intimacy. Not sexual, just a closeness. Have they been friends through out your relationship? You mentioned she was there last year as well.

If it's this alone, I don't think it takes away from the fact you are his partner at all. It's really up to you how you would like to handle it. Will you chose to be supportive in this situation, or will you choose to place distance?

There are so many complicated factors and feelings when someone is told they are nearing the end of their life. For the person themself, and for those close to them. Being as I've not had to face what your bf has, I have no idea what would be important to me at that time. And you don't need to understand it all. But if you know the love between you is there, know that deep in your bones, and my advice would be to try and not get throw off course from being there for him if that was what you commited to ( to yourself, what you want to look back on as how you stood by him in this confusing scary time for him).

Truthfully, part of me feels that way. But part of me also feels they can be a bit more considerate of my feelings. Its not french fries, its full blown eating from bowls and swapping plates back and forth. Slurping noodles. She walks into the bedroom whenever she wants. Even when he is changing. Is this normal?

If she were just a old friend, and not an ex, would it bother you this much?

That said, yeah what you just posted is a bit inconsiderate, it's a tough situation to be in for sure!

When is she leaving?

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, terminally ill bf, ex comes to visit for a few days.

I would try to rise above any discomfort I'm feeling, befriend her and join in their fun but allow them some lone time too, assuming the love and connection between my bf and I was strong and solid.

I would definitely not allow her to intimidate me and drive me out.

But I understand how you feel too.

GL whatever you decide, again very tough situation.

My question: WT (you know wha)t is he still even in contact with an ex girlfriend to the point he is? Does no one actually end a relationship with a romantic partner in this day and age? Good grief.

OP, don't be afraid to graciously grant yourself an exit from their relationship. Let them cannoodle all they want without you witnessing it by staying away as long as she is there.

I cannot blame you for the resentment you are feeling. You are his girlfriend, (not her) you were there to support him through his cancer therapy (she wasn't) and you are now there to witness their still very much emotional connection. Only you know if you are stoic enough to ignore their interaction while witnessing their bond. If you're not then I for one would not hold it against you. If you stay and try to be okay with their still very much connection then do your best to be that stoic girlfriend while keeping in mind she's only there for a short while.

I also understand that this is borderline. If it were me I’d see my role - as the ex- as supporting both the unwell person AND his caregiver - the OP. And I’d go out of my way to try to help both of them as appropriate. She is dissing their relationship and he is too sick and vulnerable to say much. She’s taking advantage of the situation and acting like a thoughtless tacky jerk.

Thanks for the advice. I fully understand that. Before my post on this forum, ive made the decision to give them time alone and step back. Its also awkward because theres a few times she has asserted herself and said shes number one.

My question: WT (you know wha)t is he still even in contact with an ex girlfriend to the point he is? Does no one actually end a relationship with a romantic partner in this day and age? Good grief.

Exactly ^^ .

I could not dream of showing up at my exBF's home, sleeping there, if he had a debilitating disease, undermining his relationship with his current GF. Heck, I have no idea if my exBF even has a current GF, because, well.....our relationship is over!!

How does this exGF even know about all of this? How are they even keeping in touch? And yes, how is it that no one seems to end a relationship these days? Is it too much access, via social media, texting, etc.?

If I did show up at an ex's house, and his current GF was there, already taking care of him, I'd fully expect him to thank me and send me on my way. I get that your BF is possibly too sick to do this, but this ex is stepping way out of bounds here.

And yeah, slurping off each other's plates, a la Lady and the Tramp.....um yeah, no.