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Thread: Dating someone with cancer

  1. #1

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    Dating someone with cancer

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. Last year he was diagnosed with cancer. I was there through all the chemo and radiation. He recently found out his cancer came back and spread. He has a year to live.

    His exgirlfriend came to visit, and is staying at his apartment for a few days. I wokeup late yeaterday morning, peeked in the living room to say gd morning but didnt see them. I walked in further to see him laying on the couch and her right alongside him sitting on the floor..i was a little bit bothered. Caught me by surprise. I said good morning and went to use the bathroom. When i came out, my boyfriend went back to the bedroom to nap. She came and stayed a few days last year and it was extremely uncomfortable. We had lunch yesterday, and it made me feel uncomfortable again. They were both eating out of each other's plates and exchanging meals. It seemed as if i were nonexistent. I really dont want to seem petty. Nor do i think i have the right to be upset given what he is going through.

    What do u guys think? Is this normal?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Be supportive not petty. He is in the process of "saying goodbye" to everyone. Many people with terminal illnesses go through this to make peace with the fact that their time is limited.
    Originally Posted by ChewT
    He has a year to live.

  3. #3

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    I didnt being this up to him. I do understand that, thats why i decided to stay at my own apartment to give them time alone. Thanks

  4. #4
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    Was this ex gf present in his life for the past two years? Or only since his diagnosis?

    How long were they together?

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  6. #5
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    When my cousin was terminal with cancer and newly married I deferred to her husband's wishes as far as my access to her (which he limited only when he thought she wasn't up to company -not from me, from anyone). What I would do by way of support is step aside. Tell him that you are there for him and with him and tell him you can't take care of him if you don't take care of yourself too. And that that means not letting yourself be in harmful situations. Tell him you are not able to be there for him as a girlfriend if he also is wanting to act like a couple with his ex or any other woman. That you will be there as a supportive friend and keep your emotional distance-which will help you help him too as you can start to distance yourself romantically and not feel as much resentment. Yes, he shouldn't be "restricted" and yes you're entitled to respect and self-care.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    She's only there a few days. He's coming to bed with you at night. There's no real good way to say it, but if he's short-term terminal, it's kinda inconsequential. That's not saying put up with him slipping some tongue with her right in front of you, but if the combination of his time being very finite and her only being around a few days lets them enjoy the friendly aspect they once had, I say let him enjoy it. Nothing's going to come of it. Honestly, I wouldn't even be tagging along to their lunches. That sounds incredibly awkward to me. If she's sleeping on the couch while you and he say goodnight to her and go to your room together, there's not much more "territory" to stake from there.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I don't care what excuse he has - he's not supposed to have two girlfriends.

    Her heart and love, does not hear excuses.

  9. #8
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    Yeah, I wouldn't like this one bit. Not cool. At all.

    She's using his illness as a an excuse to insert herself into his life, and he's using their past as a way to push you aside, thus your feeling that you are the 3rd wheel. You are the 3rd wheel.

    As cold as this sounds, I'd step out of this relationship as a girlfriend, and wish him well as a friend, and go on and live my life.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    She's only there a few days. He's coming to bed with you at night. There's no real good way to say it, but if he's short-term terminal, it's kinda inconsequential. That's not saying put up with him slipping some tongue with her right in front of you, but if the combination of his time being very finite and her only being around a few days lets them enjoy the friendly aspect they once had, I say let him enjoy it. Nothing's going to come of it. Honestly, I wouldn't even be tagging along to their lunches. That sounds incredibly awkward to me. If she's sleeping on the couch while you and he say goodnight to her and go to your room together, there's not much more "territory" to stake from there.
    This!!!

    Cut and paste to your fridge.

    No one knows what his ex's motives are, but for goodness sakes, if it brings him a sense of peace for a few days in the short time he has left on this earth, then graciously grant him that.

    Jealousy and suspicion have no place in a situation like this. None, zero, zilch!

    Your bf has a year to live. Be supportive and strive to make his last days the best they can be.

  11. #10
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    To add: if you choose to essentially abandon him now, wish him well and go on with your life (without him or as a distant "friend"), all because his ex is visiting for a few days, for whatever reasons, I can only imagine the guilt you will feel after he passes.

    For not being there for him in his last days, allowing yourself to succumb to jealousy and suspicion.

    You will have to live with that for the rest of your life.

    Why not befriend his ex for the very short time she's there? Allow them their time, but as j.man said, she's on couch, you're in his bed, your bed together.

    Focus on that and the strength of your mutual love and connection.

    She'll be leaving in a few days anyway.

    JMO, GL.

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