I’m not sure if I should talk to him or if I should end things?

I started seeing this guy a few weeks ago. We had sex on our first date which isn’t something I ever do, but I really liked him. I mentioned to him that I wanted to get to know each other before having sex again. Our second date went really well but once I got home he texted me an inappropriate picture which I didn’t solicit. I asked him to call me in the morning so we could talk about it but I never heard from him at all. He’s pretty bad at texting back but I understand that he works a lot. I’m not sure what to do because I really like him but I really don’t like the way this is going. Help.

I honestly would end things. He is just in it for sex. He knew you didn’t want to have sex on the second date but still sent a picture and avoided your conversation about something he knows you were upset about. He’s a jerk. I would block and move on!

The problem is, is that he only wants sex.

Next time, don't be so eager to give it up so easily.

Block and move on!

I started seeing this guy a few weeks ago. We had sex on our first date which isn’t something I ever do, but I really liked him. I mentioned to him that I wanted to get to know each other before having sex again. Our second date went really well but once I got home he texted me an inappropriate picture which I didn’t solicit. I asked him to call me in the morning so we could talk about it but I never heard from him at all. He’s pretty bad at texting back but I understand that he works a lot. I’m not sure what to do because I really like him but I really don’t like the way this is going. Help.

You said you started seeing him a few weeks ago?

But , so far, only actually met him twice?

And when he didn’t get sex the second time he ghosted?

Is that right?

Not being funny but you said you don’t have sex on the first date yet your reason for doing so was “but I really liked him”

That doesn’t quite make sense to me because I’m sure you’ve been on dates before where you “really liked him” yet didn’t sleep with them? What was different about this guy?

My guess is that he sweet talked you, played you.

Sorry but just put it down to a learning experience.

This guy is just after sex, OP.

It's fine to sleep with someone on the first date, if you truly want to. It's also okay to let someone know you'd prefer to slow it down a little until the next time you sleep together. I would be curious to know how you wound up in bed with him that first night if that's not something you usually do, though - what was it that changed your mind? I am guessing he said the right things and led you to believe he was in it for more than sex?

Unfortunately, he thought he could change your mind again with a naughty pic. When he saw he couldn't, he bailed. I wouldn't bother trying to talk to him. He's not into it the way you are.

You got played, he got laid. Move on!

Delete and block him unless all you want is sexting and hookups.

he texted me an inappropriate picture which I didn’t solicit. I asked him to call me in the morning so we could talk about it but I never heard from him at all.

You got lost in sweet words and strong feelings, and I'm afraid I have to agree with the others, his primary goal was sex. These things happen...sorry. This is why we hold back on the sex. Even if you decide after 3-4-5 dates or a few months, and he bails after, at least you know you did what you needed to do to assure his mind was in knowing you and not bedding you...and sometimes they drop off after the thrill of the chase is gone. There is no rhyme or reason to it and no way to predict it. The unsolicited picture...I'm agreeing with MissCanuck, he sweet talked you once, thought this would push you over the edge a second time, and with no positive response (sex or sexting), he's ghosting. He has to work too hard to get laid, plus you dived in and are now withholding, he's going to go after someone easier. You certainly have this right to backpeddle. I am also curious what prompted you to go against your normal state of not falling into bed so soon, especially on a first date.

To be clear, I'm not passing judgement. I've ended up with a couple ONSs for this very reason...there's something that makes you feel this is going to go the long-haul...maybe your defenses were down...and this has happened on the first date and after several...they disappear...dang.

Don't worry about having a conversation with this guy. He clearly has a higher priority for sex and lesser priority for long-term, and I don't think it's worth your time and energy to pursue or fret over this. If he comes back around, and if you feel he is worth another try, stick to your values. Meet in public. Don't put yourself in a place where hormones take over and clothes have a habit of coming off. The thing is, the second time rarely works out differently than the first, so you should prepare yourself to write this one off. If he circles back around, it's probably best to ignore.

I don’t think he did anything wrong other than not react consistently with your wishes. Once he didn’t respect your stated boundaries “I know we had sex and now I want to dial it back “ then it’s over. He’s a stranger basically who you chose to have sex with so I don’t think it’s worth pursuing this any further. He was entitled to believe you were fine with having sex right away and my sense is that on reflection he realized that he’d prefer to continue a sexual arrangement with you so he tried once to see if perhaps you’d change your mind again. Nothing terrible just not compatible with your let’s dial it back suggestions.

After you had sex with him, what picture could be inappropriate?

Next time, wait a few dates / weeks for sex.

Good relationships take work and discipline, but can be well worth it and fun!

Thanks for the advice, everyone. You’re confirming what I already felt and didn’t want to admit, but you’re all right.

For the record, the reason that I had sex with him on the first date was 1) because I liked him but 2) because I was very VERY drunk. We both were. But I tried to tell him afterwards that I wanted to get to know him better before we had sex again and explain to him that I don’t hook up on the first date and he seemed cool with it. Now I’m just confused to be honest.

Please stay sober in that situation. So very dangerous to be alone with a near stranger especially while you’re drunk. Also you do hook up on the first date. You did with him. May have been the very first time but who cares - and why would a near stranger care. All he knows is that you chose to get drunk and chose to have sex with him. A friend of mine who has had many one night stands told me that the typical reaction he got from women he had sex with was “I don’t usually do this “ or “I never do this “ - it’s not that he didn’t believe them just knew it was a typical almost cliche way of a woman to try to save face after sex or the next day. Like that old rap song “guys always ask me if they’re my first and I say why do you guys always ask me that??”

I think for him to send you an "inappropriate" pic (a pic of his d*ck?) after you told him you wanted to get to know him before having sex again, was extremely disrespectful!

For me it's done right then and there.

I would not have responded, deleted the pic and blocked.

I'm wondering, what exactly is confusing you?

The guy is a disrespectful ass. Next!

I think for him to send you an "inappropriate" pic (a pic of his d*ck?) after you told him you wanted to get to know him before having sex again, was extremely disrespectful!

 

For me it's done right then and there.

 

I would not have responded, deleted the pic and blocked.

 

I'm wondering, what exactly is confusing you?

 

The guy is a disrespectful ass. Next!

No - I disagree - we don't know what she told him when drunk, we don't know what he understood and whether she had opened the door previously to him pushing the limits. She chose to get drunk with a stranger and be alone with him and have sex with him. She is lucky to be alive and not injured. We don't know how this near stranger interpreted what she said -perhaps he was drunk or hungover and misinterpreted her request. We don't know. And she requested this hours after getting drunk and having sex with him. We don't know the whole story. I think he probably shouldn't have texted her that kind of picture anyway but I can't judge as all I know is her side of the story and what she chose to do and why - she says she never does this and if that is so I find it surprising -yes I am judging -that she'd risk getting drunk with a stranger on a first meet because it certainly is playing with fire for a person who never does this and regrets doing it.

Edited to add -I understand that he took her on a second date, didn't try to have sex with her, and so he agreed to her request. We also don't know how she behaved on the date -perhaps he thought from something she said she'd enjoy a picture like that. Is it possible he meant to send the photo to someone else he is dating/trying to date?

Fair enough Bat, but for me personally, being sent unsolicted "di*ck" pics (which I am only assuming this was) by men I barely know regardless of whether sex happened is a huge next for me.

Just my own my personal thing, I am definitely no prude (hardly, lol), I just find it presumptuous and disrespectful (and rather gross) until we know each better and exclusively dating.

It really goes to a man's mindset imo. And it's not something that would endear me to him in the least!

Again just me.

Well, maybe he figured since she'd already had it inside her she wouldn't mind a picture of it. Just kidding...sort of.

He's a throw back.

Next guy, please don't get drunk. Keep yourself safe.

I’m not sure where you all are getting the idea that he was a complete stranger before we had our first date and had sex. We’d met before a couple times at parties and with friends before he asked me out. He’s really close friends with my roommate.

Secondly, I’m not sure why you think that I said that I wasn’t into sex on the first date hours after we had sex. It was actually days after we had sex. We were in communication for a while and he brought up a second date and I mentioned that it would be nice, but that I’d like to just have dinner and nothing else because I wanted to slow things down. I also mentioned that we were both drunk and that I had never had sex on the first date before.

I’m sorry, but if you’re just here to pass judgment on me and make assumptions without any well-intentioned advice, please move on to a different thread.

Please don't lump us "all" into same box.

I am not judging you for choosing to have sex on first date, never would, I've done it myself and our relationship lasted six years.

If I am judging anyone, it's him, for disresprcting the boundary you put in place after sex, and sending you, unsolicted, the "inappropriate" pic.

In my opinion, thats's an automatic next for reasons stated in my prior posts.

You do you.

Good luck.

Fair enough Bat, but for me personally, being sent unsolicted "di*ck" pics (which I am only assuming this was) by men I barely know regardless of whether sex happened is a huge next for me.

 

Just my own my personal thing, I am definitely no prude (hardly, lol), I just find it presumptuous and disrespectful (and rather gross) until we know each better and exclusively dating.

 

It really goes to a man's mindset imo. And it's not something that would endear me to him in the least!

 

Again just me.

Yes but we can't be sure of his mindset and neither can she -maybe when she was drunk she joked about liking those photos. I have no direct experience at all with this kind of thing - I didn't associate with men who did this nor did I have a cell phone when I dated (I had email and instant message -I received some inappropriate messages but I didn't meet those people or if it happened after a first meet -I don't think it did -I didn't meet again).

But I tried to tell him afterwards that I wanted to get to know him better before we had sex again

Thank you, I appreciate it.

To be honest, I’m not even that upset about the pic. I’m more upset that he disappeared after I asked if we could talk about it. The fact that he just ghosted right after I asked him to call me tells me that he realized that I wasn’t going to be treated like just a buddy. Then instead of talking to me and being like “sorry I’m not looking for a relationship” he just decided to take the easy way out and ghost. Does that make sense? I don’t know.

I’m not sure where you all are getting the idea that he was a complete stranger before we had our first date and had sex. We’d met before a couple times at parties and with friends before he asked me out. He’s really close friends with my roommate.

 

Secondly, I’m not sure why you think that I said that I wasn’t into sex on the first date hours after we had sex. It was actually days after we had sex. We were in communication for a while and he brought up a second date and I mentioned that it would be nice, but that I’d like to just have dinner and nothing else because I wanted to slow things down. I also mentioned that we were both drunk and that I had never had sex on the first date before.

 

I’m sorry, but if you’re just here to pass judgment on me and make assumptions without any well-intentioned advice, please move on to a different thread.

I'm not judging at all. I think it's fine to have sex on the first date. I think it's really dangerous to do so on a first date while drunk no matter how many times you've met him before -it was a first date and you chose to get drunk -I judge your choice in that because it's really dangerous even with someone you've met before at parties! I also think it's fine to change your mind later but in my humble opinion the whole "never done this before/I was drunk" is not owning it. You chose to get drunk and chose the consequences.

I was almost assaulted once by a guy I'd been hanging with at a resort for a few days. He was drunk, I was sober and I let him come back to my room. He then tried to get me to give him oral sex and told me that he was big enough to overcome me if he wanted to. Then he said he was going to be sick and passed out basically. I was really stupid to let him come back to my room and he was a "clean cut" type. I am not a prude. And I've never had a one night stand or even close and don't desire to. And I respect people who make the choice to have a ONS.

I think it's fine that you asked him to slow things down and I think it's fine if on reflection he decided that he would prefer to continue the sexual arrangement - I think the way he let you know that was tacky and rude unless you two had joked about photos like that before -I don't have enough info. I think that by getting drunk and having sex with him on a first date you injected complications into the situation because you acted one way and then a few days later changed your mind - your perogative. His perogative to decide that it was ok for that second date but since you'd said yes then no thanks, maybe you'd say yes again if he tempted you with a sexual picture. Again I'm not sure whether your flirtation or what you said when you were drunk might have given him the impression you'd enjoy photos like that.

Also possible that he meant to send it to someone else.

My advice -act true to your values. Stay sober while on early dates or with someone you don't know very very well in a dating relationship. If you regret having sex and want to continue seeing the person but wait to have sex be straight up about it without excuses about being drunk/never did this before. If his sending you the photo offended you and if he is not responding you have your answer. I would not contact him again or see him again. That is my well-intentioned advice.

I do have experience with this, lots of, and trust me these bozos who send pics like that, unsolicited, know what they're doing and what it suggests. And it's gross.

There is nothing in OP's posts that would suggest she led him to believe such pics would be positively received.

Anyway, again jmo, and don't care about his mindset, to me it's presumptuous and disrespectful.

Delete, block, next.

As you can see I feel pretty strongly about this! Lol

It's happened so many times, I've lost count.

Guys, please don't send unsolicted d*ck pics, come on.

They're not necessary and may even turn her off no matter how gorgeous your d*ck is, lol.

Exercise a bit more class! Geez.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

 

To be honest, I’m not even that upset about the pic. I’m more upset that he disappeared after I asked if we could talk about it. The fact that he just ghosted right after I asked him to call me tells me that he realized that I wasn’t going to be treated like just a buddy. Then instead of talking to me and being like “sorry I’m not looking for a relationship” he just decided to take the easy way out and ghost. Does that make sense? I don’t know.

Pffft. Be glad he disappeared. You certainly don't want to continue on with a poser who would make you believe that he's in it because he wants more with you. You certainly don't want to bond through sex with someone that knows how to compartmentalize sex from bonding. I think you probably cannot so its a blessing he's gone. Keep him that way if he should resurface.

Only thing you should be concerned about here is if he didn't wear a rubber.

I get what you mean, which is why I wanted to talk to him. I wanted us to both be on the same page and let him know that I felt like we made a mistake by moving too fast and getting too drunk. Maybe he did feel like I would appreciate a picture like that because I gave off hints that I didn’t realize. All the more reason to clear the air. But I didn’t get that opportunity because he just disappeared.