i still don’t get how to lose all hope

I just still don’t understand how someone can tell you they truly and really love you like no one before, then be able orbit you and not ever talk to you or even check up on you after breaking up with you.

My ex broke up with me in February because she feels she’s not ready to be in a relationship due to her self esteem and her not being good with her emotions. She doesn’t know how to fully express herself because she was never taught to. I truly believe this is why because she was completely honest throughout our relationship and through the breakup. There wasn’t someone else, or anything I did.

I didn’t start NC until a month later because I did try to beg and convince her that we could fix it, but she wants to stick to her decision to learn to love herself before loving another.

I broke it last month to ask if I should move on and she said yes because she wants me to be happy. She said there was no other reason for our breakup besides her not being ready or able to make someone happy.

I’m still in denial after not hearing from her since and i’m feeling like an idiot even if I have hope that she’ll come back when she’s ready. I only think this because if someone told you how lucky they are to have you and they tell you how truly in love you are then why wouldn’t she.

I’m pretty sure she’s moved on. Not because she didn’t really love me and lied, but because it doesn’t matter how she feels and she needs to fix herself first.

I know NC is more for me to move on and everybody has been telling me to move on, but I can’t help but feel that if it’s real love, that she’ll come back when she’s ready.

I just wish either things would start to show us getting together again, or I wish that I could just stop clinging on.

Love is an emotion. This means that it can fade. I know this to be true, because I have loved people with all my heart in the past and no longer do for one reason or another.

You said it yourself that you are sitting in denial. She likely feels certain about her decision if you have not heard from her since the breakup. Continuing to hold onto hope that she will suddenly change her mind and contact you is keeping you in a permanent state of suffering that is adding fuel to the inevitable painful feeling of loss that you are already dealing with.

NC will only help you heal if you actively focus on letting go of her. Work on considering the relationship as permanently done, because even if you were to get back together, your dynamic would forever be changed due to the events that have occurred. I think more likely than not that she is gone for good and that your focus needs to shift to how you can help yourself. Not clinging on is an active choice that you need to make every day.

You are focused on the relationship you thought you had with the person you thought she was. But at this point, that is all an illusion, that relationship doesn't exist now and that person that you related so intimately with during the relationship no longer exists either. Get your head out of the past and into the here and now.

How long was the relationship? How old are the two of you?

Hope fades.

The "her not being ready or able to make someone happy" sounds like a convenient excuse, trying to let you down gently. Unfortunately like most of those excuses, it leaves you hanging on.

You have been in no contact for only a month or so, in fact only a few weeks because you broke it. Continue with it, work on yourself, do some exercise.

Time is your ally here, and not enough has passed since your breakup for you to make real progress.

February (and then a month of begging) is not that long ago. It took me a year and a half to even see straight after my marriage imploded and I still have a ways to go... Don't let that worry you though , it's not like that for most people. Just my point is that like the others have said, you're still only fresh into this and it's gonna take time....

How much time? Well that we don't know and there's no 'rule book' per sé, but as SGH* said above, you will need to switch focus and work on it everyday....

Be strong. Be patient*

Sorry for your loss*

Carus*

She let you down gently but unfortunately letting someone down gently also leaves a person (you) with false hope of reconciliation.

Yes she can love you and still love you one day and break up with you the next.

But she clearly isn’t in love with you and likely hasn’t been for some time.

Of course she’s not going to retain a close friendship with you , it would be unfair of her to do so.

She fell out of love with you , it happens , but it doesn’t happen without some guilt. She didn’t do anything wrong by you , nor you by her.

She can’t explain it but everyone feels they deserve a “reason”

And so she gave you the classic “it’s me not you”

I realise that leaves you frustrated thinking you didn’t do anything wrong and therefore could continue.

She just wants out. It’s a gut feeling. Only.

All you can do is accept it and grieve it.

This is your heartache talking:

I can’t help but feel that if it’s real love, that she’ll come back when she’s ready.

Would it of helped you if she just told you the truth instead of softening the blow? If she just said "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" would that of helped you move on? Because she opened up a book of excuses and picked out an excuse under the chapter of "I need to work on myself".

In the end, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. the reasons why doesn't matter any more. Nothing you did, nothing she did, it just didn't work out and that is what you have to accept. It just didn't work out. Saying that gives you no blame, no fault, nothing to say she will come back and gives you no false hope. Be honest with yourself, if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you today.

But accepting this is a good thing for you. You have your absolution and you don't need to figure her out or wonder what her next move is going to be. Men have been trying to figure out women for thousands of years. Love is the most common subject in songs, books, movies, poems, thoughts and if I could tell you what a woman was thinking, Id be a Multi-Billionaire in about 8 min. So don't try to figure out what the other person is thinking.. figure out what you are doing.

Let her go, wish her a happy life and make room in your heart and life for someone better and believe me, there is always someone better. This one was not the one for you

Either she fell out of love or she's a few fries short of a happy meal.

No problem - in time you'll get over it. Date a new girl, that will help ease the pain too.

The big words she said, she may have meant it at the time but then her feelings changed. She has told you to move on. It doesn't get clearer than this. It's not real love. Had it been real love, it would not have come to this point. She was honest enough to tell you to move on. At this point, clinging is only a waste of time.

I just still don’t understand how someone can tell you they truly and really love you like no one before, then be able orbit you and not ever talk to you or even check up on you after breaking up with you.

A person who initiates a breakup can NOT be the person who helps the other through their grief. Any attempt to check in is an automatic contamination of the other's healing process, and so that is the 'why' behind the 'how' you've asked above.

I’m still in denial after not hearing from her since and i’m feeling like an idiot even if I have hope that she’ll come back when she’s ready. I only think this because if someone told you how lucky they are to have you and they tell you how truly in love you are then why wouldn’t she.

[...]

I just wish either things would start to show us getting together again, or I wish that I could just stop clinging on.

This is understandable and common, so don't beat yourself up. Have you researched the 5 stages of grief? These are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance--but they're not neat and linear, so while you can pinpoint yourself stuck in denial even after a time of bargaining (including begging), it's also reasonable to identify some anger or depression mixed in.

You don't need to scale some insurmountable wall of hope or otherwise pretzel your brain to try to squelch hope in order to move forward. In fact, if you use some deductive reasoning, you'll consider that the odds of your ex wanting to reconcile can ONLY be enhanced by your ability to avoid stagnation by moving forward to heal and develop your own life beyond rumination and a focus on your ex.

Nobody wants to go backward to resume the exact same relationship they've opted to leave, and nobody would find an ex lover who has stagnated and hovered in grief without moving forward to be appealing. So use your hope of future reconciliation as a motivator to start moving yourself toward your own private higher ground.

Higher ground is the only place from which two exes can cross paths in the future and find any hope of potential success in reconciliation. Rather than expecting an ex to backslide from their own growth and development post-breakup in order to reconcile with one who has been unable to let go and move forward, you recognize that a whole new relationship may be possible between two healed and whole people who are healthy and impressed by the strides made by themselves and one another.

The focus on forward movement includes building stronger bonds with the people in your life who you love but may have neglected during your relationship or time of grief. Concern for others during this time moves you beyond a self centered focus to help family and friends avoid worrying about you. Helping them with projects or chores or errands or treating them to meals or events allows you to build good memories for them while you're not capable of enjoying much yourself. This is a huge growth-builder and will serve you in ways that you cannot fathom and must be experienced to be understood.

So this becomes a time of trusting and relaxing into your growth rather than ruminating and drilling yourself a deeper hole to climb out of. As you heal and become stronger, your perspective about your ex will rise to your level of attainment. You'll develop new vision that will enable you to keep moving forward as you trust that if you and ex were ever a meant-to-be deal, your paths will cross someday, and you'll be proud to show her who you've become in her absence.

Head high, you can do this.

My ex broke up with me in February because she feels she’s not ready to be in a relationship due to her self esteem and her not being good with her emotions. She doesn’t know how to fully express herself because she was never taught to. I truly believe this is why because she was completely honest throughout our relationship and through the breakup. There wasn’t someone else, or anything I did. She said her feelings about me were very true, but she just didn’t know how to show me. I know it wasn’t an excuse because she was posting sad status updates and what not.

I didn’t start NC until a month later because I did try to beg and convince her that we could fix it, but she wants to stick to her decision to learn to love herself before loving another.

I broke it last month to ask if I should move on and she said yes because she wants me to be happy. She said there was no other reason for our breakup besides her not being ready or able to make someone happy.

I’m still in denial after not hearing from her since and i’m feeling like an idiot even if I have hope that she’ll come back when she’s ready. I only think this because if someone told you how lucky they are to have you and they tell you how truly in love you are then why wouldn’t she.

She goes back and forth from being happy. I remember when her social media would first be how happy she is to wanting to actually be happy.

I have a gut feeling that she does miss me, but is not messaging me or anything because she’s either scared or still being her usual self with not knowing how to initiate. I think especially if she tweeted about me the other day, and how she’s thinking she’s never meant to be loved.

Either way I think she’s moved on, or at least extremely good at faking it. Not because she didn’t really love me and lied, but because it doesn’t matter how she feels and she needs to fix herself first.

It bugs me because when I asked her how she feels about me she wouldn’t give me an answer. I’m still confused whether she still has any sort of feelings or not.

I know NC is more for me to move on and everybody has been telling me to move on, but I can’t help but feel that if it’s real love, that she’ll come back when she’s ready.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should message her or not, because I don’t want to see her become a stranger. I don’t want to regret losing the chance because I didn’t swallow my pride and text her first. I also think about asking her friend about her, but I hear that’s a bad idea.

I know her feelings were true, but I just wish either things would start to show us getting together again, or I wish that I could just stop clinging on.

You posted this a week ago:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=558938

People gave you heartfelt advice. Do you feel none of it was useful?

And no, messaging her yet again will not change her mind. Why can't you leave her alone to do the self work she said she needs? Don't be selfish, let her do what she needs to do.

Also, stop torturing yourself by looking at her social media. I know you're hoping to see signs she's coming back but all you're doing is hurting yourself.

Read your 3rd paragraph and then leave this girl alone. She's busy trying to sort herself out and you need to respect that and back off.

Threads have been merged.

OP, it is not necessary to start new threads each time you want to add to the story. Please continue posting in this thread if you have more to add. Thank you.

You posted this a week ago:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=558938

 

People gave you heartfelt advice. Do you feel none of it was useful?

Really, R00b, what more do you want anyone to say? I invested quite a bit of time in replying, and I confirmed for you that you don't need to give up 'hope' for the future, but trying to manipulate your ex back right NOW is a surefire way to alienate her for good.

Sorry that it's not what you wanted to hear, but if you're as tone-deaf toward your ex as you've been toward our responses, I'd opt for quitting the hope altogether.