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Thread: i still donít get how to lose all hope

  1. #1

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    i still donít get how to lose all hope

    I just still donít understand how someone can tell you they truly and really love you like no one before, then be able orbit you and not ever talk to you or even check up on you after breaking up with you.

    My ex broke up with me in February because she feels sheís not ready to be in a relationship due to her self esteem and her not being good with her emotions. She doesnít know how to fully express herself because she was never taught to. I truly believe this is why because she was completely honest throughout our relationship and through the breakup. There wasnít someone else, or anything I did.

    I didnít start NC until a month later because I did try to beg and convince her that we could fix it, but she wants to stick to her decision to learn to love herself before loving another.

    I broke it last month to ask if I should move on and she said yes because she wants me to be happy. She said there was no other reason for our breakup besides her not being ready or able to make someone happy.

    Iím still in denial after not hearing from her since and iím feeling like an idiot even if I have hope that sheíll come back when sheís ready. I only think this because if someone told you how lucky they are to have you and they tell you how truly in love you are then why wouldnít she.

    Iím pretty sure sheís moved on. Not because she didnít really love me and lied, but because it doesnít matter how she feels and she needs to fix herself first.

    I know NC is more for me to move on and everybody has been telling me to move on, but I canít help but feel that if itís real love, that sheíll come back when sheís ready.

    I just wish either things would start to show us getting together again, or I wish that I could just stop clinging on.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Love is an emotion. This means that it can fade. I know this to be true, because I have loved people with all my heart in the past and no longer do for one reason or another.

    You said it yourself that you are sitting in denial. She likely feels certain about her decision if you have not heard from her since the breakup. Continuing to hold onto hope that she will suddenly change her mind and contact you is keeping you in a permanent state of suffering that is adding fuel to the inevitable painful feeling of loss that you are already dealing with.

    NC will only help you heal if you actively focus on letting go of her. Work on considering the relationship as permanently done, because even if you were to get back together, your dynamic would forever be changed due to the events that have occurred. I think more likely than not that she is gone for good and that your focus needs to shift to how you can help yourself. Not clinging on is an active choice that you need to make every day.

  3. #3
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    You are focused on the relationship you thought you had with the person you thought she was. But at this point, that is all an illusion, that relationship doesn't exist now and that person that you related so intimately with during the relationship no longer exists either. Get your head out of the past and into the here and now.

  4. #4
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    How long was the relationship? How old are the two of you?

    Hope fades.

    The "her not being ready or able to make someone happy" sounds like a convenient excuse, trying to let you down gently. Unfortunately like most of those excuses, it leaves you hanging on.

    You have been in no contact for only a month or so, in fact only a few weeks because you broke it. Continue with it, work on yourself, do some exercise.

    Time is your ally here, and not enough has passed since your breakup for you to make real progress.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    February (and then a month of begging) is not that long ago. It took me a year and a half to even see straight after my marriage imploded and I still have a ways to go... Don't let that worry you though , it's not like that for most people. Just my point is that like the others have said, you're still only fresh into this and it's gonna take time....

    How much time? Well that we don't know and there's no 'rule book' per sť, but as SGH* said above, you will need to switch focus and work on it everyday....

    Be strong. Be patient*

    Sorry for your loss*

    Carus*

  7. #6
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    She let you down gently but unfortunately letting someone down gently also leaves a person (you) with false hope of reconciliation.

    Yes she can love you and still love you one day and break up with you the next.
    But she clearly isnít in love with you and likely hasnít been for some time.
    Of course sheís not going to retain a close friendship with you , it would be unfair of her to do so.

    She fell out of love with you , it happens , but it doesnít happen without some guilt. She didnít do anything wrong by you , nor you by her.

    She canít explain it but everyone feels they deserve a ďreasonĒ
    And so she gave you the classic ďitís me not youĒ
    I realise that leaves you frustrated thinking you didnít do anything wrong and therefore could continue.

    She just wants out. Itís a gut feeling. Only.
    All you can do is accept it and grieve it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is your heartache talking:
    Originally Posted by r00b14
    I canít help but feel that if itís real love, that sheíll come back when sheís ready.

  9. #8
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    Would it of helped you if she just told you the truth instead of softening the blow? If she just said "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" would that of helped you move on? Because she opened up a book of excuses and picked out an excuse under the chapter of "I need to work on myself".
    In the end, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. the reasons why doesn't matter any more. Nothing you did, nothing she did, it just didn't work out and that is what you have to accept. It just didn't work out. Saying that gives you no blame, no fault, nothing to say she will come back and gives you no false hope. Be honest with yourself, if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you today.
    But accepting this is a good thing for you. You have your absolution and you don't need to figure her out or wonder what her next move is going to be. Men have been trying to figure out women for thousands of years. Love is the most common subject in songs, books, movies, poems, thoughts and if I could tell you what a woman was thinking, Id be a Multi-Billionaire in about 8 min. So don't try to figure out what the other person is thinking.. figure out what you are doing.
    Let her go, wish her a happy life and make room in your heart and life for someone better and believe me, there is always someone better. This one was not the one for you

  10. #9
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Either she fell out of love or she's a few fries short of a happy meal.

    No problem - in time you'll get over it. Date a new girl, that will help ease the pain too.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    The big words she said, she may have meant it at the time but then her feelings changed. She has told you to move on. It doesn't get clearer than this. It's not real love. Had it been real love, it would not have come to this point. She was honest enough to tell you to move on. At this point, clinging is only a waste of time.

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