trust issues with model boyfriend

I apologise in advance for the following lengthy post, I tried to make it as concise as possible.

 

I have been with my boyfriend since 2013, we had a breakup in between for 4 months due to him cheating on me on a drunken night out and losing feelings for me. He had got with a girl 3 days days after our 4 year relationship and seen a few girls before getting back with me. I didn't move on at all during this time apart, as I tried to focus on myself and possibly getting back with him.

 

Before the break-up, we were increasingly arguing mainly due to him creating a public Instagram profile as an aspiring model. This meant he was following and liking random girl's profiles and photos in order to grow his page and it made me uneasy. During the breakup, the girls he had seen were random girls from his Instagram profile that he had messaged and met up with.

 

Ever since getting back with me, I supported him with attending photo-shoot meets, where multiple photographers and models would come together to shoot. I stayed supportive, until I saw a photo of him taken with another girl where they had to act like a couple, hence it was a very touchy photo. I expressed to him how I was extremely uncomfortable with these kind of shoots. I told him I would 100% support solo shoots and friendly shoots, but not intimate ones. He agreed, but never followed through. Since then, he took quite a few inappropriate ones girls.

 

Due to this he agreed to compromise, and said that he would only go to solo shoots. This lasted a few months till last week, he wanted to attend another meet as he hadn't been having any photo-shoots for a while. He reassured me that he would refuse to taking any inappropriate photos with other women. However, he took a photo with a girl in her bra, which I saw on Instagram and felt completely shaken by. He told me he didn't realise she was in a bra!? We had an argument, which nearly led to a break-up as I explained that I was unable to support these kind of shoots as this was causing a strain on my mental health, (I am suffering from severe anxiety and depression).

 

Neither of us however wanted to let go of each other, and he kept apologising and telling me how much he loved me. We then came to an agreement, (once again), that at the meets he goes to from there on, he would let everyone know that he is only okay with doing solo shoots.

 

He had a meet today. We spoke this morning before he left and he reassured me that he would let everyone there know that he doesn't want to shoot with women. He just however messaged me, saying, " I'm sorry, I failed you, I was shooting by myself and a girl just came in an shot with me. I didn't know how to say no to her or the photographer. It wasn't my fault." I went on to explain that this has happened way too many times and that this was the reason I told him not to go to meets in the 1st place.

 

He is on the way home, and I am waiting to talk to him. I don't know how to deal with this situation, I keep feeling like breaking up with him because these things keep on happening and he keeps blaming the other models and photographers, and it keeps making me sad and angry.

 

Before I conclude, I would like to make clear that my issue isn't him innocently shooting with other girls. It's the fact that, at these meets, they aren't pre-planned and photographers just get models together and tell them how to pose. This is where the opportunity arises for my boyfriend and anther female model to get put together and be told to do intimate poses, which my boyfriend then feels awkward to say no to in the moment. Which then leads to me seeing these photos and getting ticked off and having an argument with him.

 

I guess this stems from my working progress on my trust for him, and the countless images of him and women that I already battle with in my head.

 

I am just looking for other people's point of view on my situation, and if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you :)

You are really dating the wrong guy, OP.

 

He has cheated on you.

 

He is in a profession in which he will be shooting with women plenty, and often in poses you don't like. It comes with the territory of modelling. You can see he isn't going to turn down shoots with scantily clad women or in scenarios that suggest coupledom, and really, most models wouldn't if it meant the difference between landing a job or not.

 

I think you would be better off dating someone who hasn't already betrayed your trust so badly, and who is in a job that doesn't trigger you so much.

What MissCanuck said, exact.

 

He cheated on you. Great. That's your moment to accept and forgive or to move on. I'd say 99.99% of us aren't capable of the former, and quite understandably so. Suffice it to say, I think you chose correctly then. What you don't get to do is take him back and put him on a leash, particularly on matters which concern his career. Preserve your own sanity and let him find someone (if he should be so lucky) who's comfortable with that the intersection of professional and relationship boundaries he feels he needs.

100% what MissCanuck said.

 

Asking a male model not to pose with women is like asking an artist only to paint in hues of red and blue. It’s limiting and kind of ridiculous.

 

I get that you have (reasonable) trust issues with him. That makes sense. But then maybe this is not the relationship for you. I don’t think trying to limit his career is an appropriate solution.

I

 

We had an argument, which nearly led to a break-up as I explained that I was unable to support these kind of shoots as this was causing a strain on my mental health, (I am suffering from severe anxiety and depression).

 

I love how the bold is just glossed over as if it’s not a main incredibly important fact.

 

We are responsible for our own wellbeing when it comes to dating, we have to be our own advocates, I know it sounds selfish but what I mean is, if a relationship is harming us, emotionally, physically, spiritually, it is up to us to do what is necessary to find peace.. You couldn’t be working against yourself anymore if you tried.

 

He cheated, there is no trust and you suffer from anxiety and depression.

 

Read that again.

 

Read it again

 

Again

 

One more time.

 

Does that sound like a worthwhile venture?

 

You know, a while back I went on a date with a guy and we got along I thought great but he told me he wasn’t interested in dating me because of my job. He said he couldn’t see himself being comfortable with someone doing what I do, that it would cause him a lot of stress. ( no, I’m not a stripper haha) I respected that. I really did, it sucks too because it made him more attractive but I walked away knowing he put himself first he was not going to go against his own mental wellbeing just to be with someone.

 

There are billions of people on this planet, billions, roughly half are men, again, it is not worth your sanity to hold onto the one that cheated on you and broke your trust.

About 8 months ago you had issues with him going out to clubs without you after he cheated. Now you want to control his modeling gigs.

 

He's just as wrong for making false promises as you are for trying to dictate and police him.

 

You two are incompatible.

He's already cheated on you without consequences--you took him back. So what's to prevent him from doing it again? He can just be better at being sneaky. So what's to trust?

You got a cheater. Some guys just can't say "no".

 

For a person to be a good match, they have to have integrity and be able to say "no" to other women (wow, I wish I had that problem - wow, just wow!).

I told him I would 100% support solo shoots and friendly shoots, but not intimate ones. He agreed, but never followed through. Since then, he took quite a few inappropriate ones girls.

So, if you won't support intimate shoots but he continued to do them anyway after you telling him that, why didn't you break up with him when he didn't want to adhere to your boundary?

 

He is not the right person for you. Unfortunately, you are slow to acknowledge that. Forget him, work on your confidence and self-worth so that you can respect your own boundaries and be able to quickly leave someone who won't respect them instead of trying to control and failing at it.