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Thread: The pain is so strong I wish I was just dead

  1. #1

    The pain is so strong I wish I was just dead

    6 months......6 months have been since we parted ways and I still feel suicidal and my life is a torture. I was an as$hat for sure. But we had to part ways. I couldn't do what she asked for. I was in a beautiful yet very strong relationship with a very beautiful(both outside and inside woman). We are both immature and young for sure. After some time we went through numerous fights and breaks. The reason was that she wanted to open up our relationship. She wanted to have other men fck her and that we should be boyfriend and girlfriend as well. I wish I was able to cope with that but my emotions are ruining me. Anyways after an arguement we had I decided to walk away from her and stop contact since I didn't want that. She did as well because she has A HUGE EGO. Yet so much time passed an I'm still trapped emotionally.

    I had almost moved on till I came across her in a party yesterday. She started up a chit chat with me and I accepted it. She ended up asking me why I abandoned her. She opened up and told me that she loved me. That she was in pain during all these months without me but she managed to move on. She told me that I was the best and worst thing that has ever happened to her. That she felt terrible pain when I was absent and was the happiest person in the world when I was present.She never told me these things before. She was afraid I would abandon her because she would come across as needy. I always had the power in the relationship and she resented it. I actually don't know if she brought the though of other men in the picture to make me jealous and get the power. She did try many times to make me jealous and I was able to handle it. At first she wouldn't let me touch and was shaking(!!!!!) when I touched her. Little by little we started touching each other altought I could feel the coldness that meant that she had moved on. The talking had us going to her place. I told her to go there and talk. She told me that I would sleep on the couch but I told her no and we slept in her bed(with underwear!). She opened up to me in the bed. She told me that had falled in love madly. That I was all she could think. That if I had reached out this wouldn't have happened.That things wouldn't end. She admited that her ego destroyed everything too. She admitted her faults. We kissed and she let me touch her but didn't get intimate. She didn't let me have sex with her(I think that means she has moved on permanently). Although we were both naked we didn't have sex.

    She told me "I'm afraid to get back with you, that I will backslide again into this obsession I had with you , this pain of not having you". She told me "I didn't imagine we would end up in the bed but we ended up" . She told me "We're not gonna have sex today", "Tell me what you want from me". She was hugging me and confessing everything she felt in our relationship. I tried many times to get intimate but she rejected the advances.

    I don't know what all this behavior meant from her part. It's confusing as hell. The worst slap and biggest pain was the morning when I looked in the trashbin and saw used condoms. Another guy is already in the picture.

  2. #2
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    You opened this by saying you had to part ways and that you couldn't do what she asked for, and what she was asking for was to have sex with other people?

    I'm sorry but you have to accept responsibility for opening yourself up to all this hurt again. It sounds like nothing has changed - she wants you emotionally but not sexually. To have her cake and eat it too. This is a mess that will only continue to hurt you if you let it. Learn from this mistake and clear your head and your heart by dropping this girl forever.

  3. #3
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    It sounds like a situation my friend went through, girl wanted someone there emotionally but sleep with other guys. Do you not think you're worth more than that? I don't think it's your fault, she is definitely trying to manipulate you and because you're in a vulnerable state you fell for it. She You said you feel suicidal...is there anyone with you or someone you can sit with?

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    Replied in your other thread [Register to see the link]

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She wants to have sex with other men but says she loves you??

    Nope, sorry, the two don't go together.

    Stop allowing yourself to be played. If you're not healing, it's because you keep going back to a very bad situation.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Have you considered going to a therapist/counselor? You can talk to them about what you're dealing with and they can help you heal.

  8. #7
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    And of course you're confused. For one, it's the human condition and second, if she hasn't got a clue what she actually wants then how could you?

    It's also okay to feel down but you're not out. You will wake up one day and realize you are better. That you're free. But it takes time, my dude. Allow yourself to get there.

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    A friend of mine dated a girl, then the broke up and he decided he couldn't take the pain and was going to "Show her" and re-arranged his face with a shotgun. You know what happened? The girl got married to a great guy, has two kids and life for her is wonderful. My friends family are the ones that suffer every day.
    Suicide over another girl does what? What exactly do you wish to accomplish? Do you think she will cry over you? Your X will move on and have a wonderful life and the ones that will carry the pain for you will be your family. Does love and break ups hurt? Oh yeah, they do but pain is the heart heals, and there is someone better out there waiting for you.
    If this girl is causing you this much pain and heart ache, then don't talk to her. That is your solution.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by No1
    A friend of mine dated a girl, then the broke up and he decided he couldn't take the pain and was going to "Show her" and re-arranged his face with a shotgun. You know what happened? The girl got married to a great guy, has two kids and life for her is wonderful. My friends family are the ones that suffer every day.
    I agree with this. Had a friend commit suicide over relationship and we all still miss her, but have no idea about the guy. He didn't suddenly start hanging around or anything. It just hurt the people who were always there.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    One of the reasons of the arguement was that she didn't feel that I loved her and that I only was using her for sex.
    From your other post ^^^. So you see her and go back to her place and try to have sex with her? Makes no sense.

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