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Thread: My ex found me after months of no contact but I cannot understand her behavior

  1. #1

    My ex found me after months of no contact but I cannot understand her behavior

    I have been no contact with my ex girlfriend for 6 months. She has a HUGE ego and after an arguement we had we both walked away. I was the first to walk away and she did as well. We had been out of contact since. One of the reasons of the arguement was that she didn't feel that I loved her and that I only was using her for sex.

    Anyways she found me yesterday at a friends party and said she wanted to talk things over and what happened. She told me that if I had contacted her during no contact we would've been together again, but now it's too late and that a lot of time has passed since then. She told me things she never did before. She told me when we were together that she was feeling very happy and when I was absent she was feeling empty. She admitted that she had falled madly in love with me but was afraid that if she told me I would leave her because I would think she was needy. She told me that she was thinking about me every day and during the no contact she went through hell and was thinking about our moments and felt terrible pain. We were just talking and she wouldn't let me touch her at first. Then she started touching me more and hugging me. We ended up going back to her place to talk and she told me that I would sleep on the couch after that. We ended up in her bed with only our underwear. She kissed me and she let me touch her everywhere but not her *****. Ass everything but didn't me have sex with her. I told her there is no point to that bull**** anyways.

    I initiated all the touching from the beggining. Her body language was defensive and closed at maximum. I made her at ease little by little and we began touching. She admitted many many many deep feelings that she never told me. Only a person that was madly in love would say that. She told me: "You're the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me." "If you just made one phone call, things would go back to normal." "I was thinking about you every day" "I felt pain in your absence and I was only happy in your presence".

    Thing is I tried MANY times to initiate sex and she wouldn't let me. Although we were naked in the bed and touching each other. She let me do anything to her but wouldn't get intimate. She told me "You're not gonna have sex with me today". I asked her what does she want from me and she asked me to tell her what I wanted from her, and that she doesn't know.

    The thing is I'm afraid that this is all an attempt from her to make me an orbitter while she ****s her new guy. She told me that she's afraid to date me again and go back to this emotional rollercoaster that she was.

    On the other hand, many times she repeatedly told me that she only wants to talk to me and nothing else. That it is too late now after so many months. But then again when we were in her bed she told me "I told you that we would only talk but we ended up here". I'm confused as ****.

    Can someone explain what the **** is this behavior exactly? We slept together and naked and even though we touched, we didn't have sex. Also she's seeing some other dude as it was evident by the condoms in the trashbin(well it's 6 months we are apart so it's normal).
    What does that all mean? She wants to swing back to me or what? Maybe make me an orbitter? Wouldn't she let me **** her if she wanted to swing back?
    I tried to **** her but she told me that's she's afraid that she would end up with me again and went through the same emotions that she did.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I can easily indulge your need to figure out what's what here. Because it's not all that complicated. She's dramatic, performative, insecure, very smitten with her own pain, her own idea of herself as some kind of tragic figure. She likes tension, likes attention, enjoys playing the role of damsel and minx, and puts a lot of emphasis on sex as a mode of communication and connection. She thinks of herself as a kind of misunderstood sex object, and finds people to support that, creates situations in which that narrative becomes fact. Deep down, she probably does not much like or respect herself.

    If you're honest with yourself, I suspect you'll see that the other night was probably a lot like how things were and felt when you were together. More like a game than, you know, actual affection and connection. Fun one second, frustrating the next. Big professions of feelings that don't add up to anything that sticks. And in that whiplash a kind of sexual tension builds. It all feels very real and seductive, at least until it feels very hollow, very much like pointless bullsh*t. It all feels kinda "wrong," but it also feels kinda great. It's basically toxic.

    But here's the thing: all you need to do to really understand her and the other night is look in the mirror.

    Because it takes two to create and indulge in this sort dynamic, the soap opera of drama and heat and "crazy" feelings. You engaged, enjoyed it, played your role. Where another dude would roll his eyes and walk away from such blatant melodrama, you went home with her. That was a choice you made, not something that "just happened." You like drama too. You enjoyed feeling like you had some kind of power over her emotions, just as she enjoyed the power she had over yours. You probably enjoyed being teased a bit, seeing if you could "get" the thing she was saying was now impossible to get, even while presenting it as right there, almost possible. The condoms in the trashcan—that gave it all a "dirty" edge that maybe you enjoyed a bit as well?

    Which, hey, all good.

    Games can be fun, distracting. Orbiting and being an orbiter can be a nice way of feeling something without accessing deeper feelings. You feel like you're in a movie instead of reality. When you decide you want to connect with someone on a more genuine level, when you go through something like this and ask yourself why you're drawn to it instead of trying to decode the psychology of someone else—well, I think that's where you'll find the more valuable information, when you're ready to go there.

    I'm not saying there isn't genuine feeling between you too. But you guys don't really know how to access it, because you communicate through games and sex rather than through your genuinely vulnerable and authentic selves. It happens. Some people build lives and marriages out of this stuff, others go through it as a phase that they move on from. So rather than worry about her, why not ask yourself what you want—from her, from life and love in general.

  3. #3
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    It sounds like you made multiple attempts to have sex with her, which to me doesn't say "I love you and want you back". It sounds like "I'd like to get me some tonight".

    Plus, the vulgar terms you use to describe the intimate parts of her body and the sex act itself...I wonder if she picked up the same vibe.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    As long you keep making yourself scarce in her life, I don't think you have anything to be worried about, honestly. You hold all of the cards because it's obviously that you/the memory of your relationship is lodged into her head. It's up to you on how to handle it. (I'll tell you exactly what I'd do, below).

    One thing that you have to learn and accept about women: they live in the moment of their emotions. When it comes to relationship talk with an ex, never take her words at face value. Her emotions are override her logic every step of the way. Women will do whatever is tickling their emotions in the moment before carrying out what they logically wanted to do. To men, this seems insane because men are logical creatures. However, women live off of emotion and do what feels good. Right now, 'feeling good' to her is having you on backburner and boning her new guy. You have to flip the table on her ASAP to show that you aren't on the backburner. (This will initially cause her to panic, so you have to be strong and not give into her BS).

    If I were you, here are some things that I would do/keep doing (i) keep going to the gym, lift like an animal, feel the testosterone pump through your veins (No better feelings, IMO), (ii) start making as many platonic relationships as you can with new women (your ex won't seem as special, plus there may be one new girl that you become interested in), (iii) Once she contacts you about the other night, I would say "The other night was really weird. At this point, we should both move on". Then, I would just ignore her messages for the next few months (This will drive her mad and it'll also let you further disconnect from her emotionally.) (iv) In 6-12 months, you'll probably run into her again, but you won't be as interested because you'll have 10 other girls just like her in your life. She'll likely be hot for you. From there, it's up to you on what you do. (You'll likely reject her because you'll remember the pain and you'll remember how much work you did to change yourself. You'll be a new man and it's much easier to work with a 'clean slate' (aka new woman) than an ex that knows where all of your bad spots from the prior relationship are. Depending upon the girl, some exes are able to see positive changes in you while others will never see it.
    Last edited by thekid55; 04-20-2019 at 11:15 AM.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She's toying with you and sex just seems like an easy way to access each other (for both of you). I don't think either of you are terrible or manipulative or egoistic but I think that you both are falling into the same unhealthy patterns which created your insecurities in your relationship and the break up the last time.

    Don't sleep with her if you're interested in her. Both of you seem inexperienced in identifying and creating a healthier means for long term commitment.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    She's fallen out of love with you, and it's not coming back. She's just wishing she could get it back, and playing with you in the process. If you continue to see her, you'll just get rejected again and again.

  8. 04-20-2019, 12:00 PM

  9. #7
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    Originally Posted by obnoxious
    I was the first to walk away

    she found me yesterday at a friends party and said she wanted to talk things over

    She told me that if I had contacted her during no contact we would've been together again, but now it's too late
    Then she invites you into her bed so she can play juvenile games about sex.


    The thing is I'm afraid that this is all an attempt from her to make me an orbitter while she ****s her new guy.

    it was evident by the condoms in the trashbin
    Sounds like she set the whole thing up to see if she can keep you as an option. Or maybe she was getting a bit of revenge on you. Who leaves used prophylactics visible in the bin? Yuck.

    Stick to no contact, continue working on yourself. Gut feeling is she is wanting you to ask her to try again, so she can turn the tables, say no, and feel good about herself.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did she just get dumped by someone? She most likely wouldn't admit this, but the sex and ego boost and faux getting back together is often about that.

  11. #9
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    I wanted cereal this morning so I took out the milk and it was spoiled (smelled really bad).. Im thinking, maybe if I put it back in the fridge it will get better.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    One of the reasons of the arguement was that she didn't feel that I loved her and that I only was using her for sex.
    Why would you need a better answer than this?

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