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Thread: What do I do??

  1. #1
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    What do I do??

    Hi everyone.
    I have had the same boyfriend for 4.5 years now. And we are coming to buy a house together and move on to the next stage of our relationship and suddenly for the first time I am having some major doubts!
    I basically need help as to wether or not to listen to them.
    My boyfriend is kind, funny and ambitious. He works really hard and is always so loving and caring towards me. He really looks after me. He is the sort who will bring breakfast in bed etc.
    We lived together for 2.5 years in our own flat and have just moved back in with my parents while we save to buy a house. I donít know if itís that situation (being at home with my parents) that is shining such a big spotlight on everything.
    I guess Iím feeling like if I buy this house with him it means heís the one and I have to be with him forever. Something I never doubted before but since Iíve been home Iím feeling a bit off about it.
    We have had a few arguments about him being rude to my parents, who are very conservative. He is more liberal. He can be stand-offish with them and while they are all civil there is no deeper bond- which is what I had always hoped for.
    He is very quiet sometimes and can be moody/grumpy over what feel like minor things to me. We come from very different family backgrounds and Iím concerned this will impact our future together.
    I guess I always imagined myself with a super friendly, warm probably Christian guy who becomes like a second son to my parents. But instead Iíve got someone who loves me to pieces, but doesnít share the same family values as I do. Itís just not as important to him. I had spoken to him about it a lot, and he says all the right things but Iím still starting to disengage slightly.
    I donít know if all my doubts are because we are back home which is effecting my mental health (Iíve basically reverted back to being like a teenager and I am 27).
    Iíve also got fears of if I wanted to leave I couldnít. I couldnít keep the house alone so would have to move back home indefinitely. And who knows if I would ever meet someone better as my boyfriend is really lovely. He just doesnít always show this side to others apart from me.

    So I guess Iím wondering in this very long and rambling message:
    Should I listen to these doubts or is it just because we are at my parents at the moment?
    Is it normal to have doubts like these???

    I need help this had been going on for a few months now...

  2. #2
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    What are the differences in values?

    I would never buy property with someone I am not married to.

  3. #3
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    Why are you making a financial commitment with someone you have made no emotional commitment with?

    Living at your parents , buying a house to live in instead of renting are acts of convenience only, not commitment except monetary commitments?

    Itís hardly surprising that you are now questioning the longevity of your relationship but it is something you both should have figured out by now.
    Have you not discussed long term goals with him? Marriage ? Kids? What school your kids would go to? Retirement goals? Etc?
    If you havenít , why havenít you?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Move out of your parents house asap. You two adults should not be mooching off your parents so you can "save to buy a house". Both of you need to get second jobs, learn to budget money and be more financially independent. You are feeling like and being treated like a teenager because you are acting like one.

    It's amazing your parents haven't kicked this jerk out.
    Originally Posted by Sweetpotato22
    have just moved back in with my parents while we save to buy a house.
    We have had a few arguments about him being rude to my parents. He can be stand-offish with them
    we are back home which is effecting my mental health Iíve basically reverted back to being like a teenager and I am 27).

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you don't have 100 percent confidence that your partnership won't last a lifetime, it's something to pay attention to. His behavior is causing you to emotionally distance yourself from him. When someone is often moody over minor things, and so quiet he isolates himself, it could be a sign of depression. And if that could be the case, if he doesn't do anything about it with psychiatric sessions and maybe antidepressants, I never recommend tolerating a partner who subjects you to his issues.

    To not develop a closeness with in-laws, to me, is not egregious as long as he is pleasant, but you've said he's been rude to them. That's unacceptable behavior, especially when they've done a huge favor by opening their home to the both of you.

    There are other men in the world who could "love you to pieces" and could also tick all the boxes on your must-have list. The trick is to be single to meet him.

  7. #6
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    Is he Christian?

    You can't raise children with two completely different sets of "family values". I mean, you CAN, but think about how messy and confusing it would be.

    Mom: "Jesus loves you, he is our Lord and Savior".
    Dad: "No such thing as a God or Savior."

    I don't know if it's THAT extreme, but it's something to have an important discussion about.

    ETA: Just to give you an example from my own life, my kids' dad is Catholic. I am very strongly NOT Catholic (went to Catholic school which pretty much sealed the non-deal for me). He would take the kids to mass every Sunday while I stayed home and did chores, etc. We agreed that if the kids wanted to go they could go. The kids DID want to go because they saw Grandma and their uncles and aunt there and there was cookies and punch after. I'm not sure how much they got out of it spiritually, but I figured if they wanted to go it was fine with me. Neither of them is a real "practicing" Catholic anymore although one of them does still attend mass on occasion. My point is, we talked about it and worked this compromise. So it's vital to get on the same page as far as raising children.

    And please do not buy property together if you're already worrying about not being able to "escape".

  8. #7
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Hmmmm...........this sounds like a case of the bride getting wet feet before the wedding.

    Everybody has a different opinion, so the difference between him being liberal and you being conservative doesn't surprise me. And the disagreements with the parents - when you shoehorn a bunch of people into a house 24/7, arguments are going to happen. You two are moving out, so that's a non-issue.

    I'm more interested in the important things. Does he have integrity? Does he follow the golden rule? (not all Christians are good). Do you love him? I'm not seeing any deal breakers yet.

    How old are you?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I would move into a rental and do anything else it takes to save money, such as a second job, rather than live with parents. Doing so is a strain on all involved, and it's cracking your relationship.

    That said, sharing a rental with these new cracks will allow you to learn whether this is your forever relationship. If not, then you won't have invested in property together and can move forward freely.

    It's not against the law for your lover or spouse to not be as invested in your family or friends as you are. That doesn't need to be a danger sign unless you view it as one, which is also valid.

    Were the two of you planning on marriage? If so, who's been the one putting off that commitment, and who would have wanted to marry sooner, prior to buying a house?


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