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Can you grow to love someone?


Gemini528

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It’s been a long time since I was last on here posting about an ex boyfriend. In an effort to get over THAT ex boyfriend I started dating someone else (big no no, I know). It wasn’t supposed to be a serious thing, but more of a fling. Well almost 3 years later and a rocky relationship, due to several factors, we broke up 15 months ago.

 

Here’s the thing: I haven’t dated anyone seriously since. The person I’m attracted to is unavailable and the few dates I’ve had don’t really go anywhere. My ex still emails me professing his love and asking for another chance, and despite all the problems, he KNOWS me and chooses to love me despite all my flaws. I know he loves me, and he’s trustworthy, and hardworking, and the sex was great....I just don’t love him. Sometimes I wish I did because of his great qualities and some times I think I should just give it another shot and see if I can grow to love him the way he loves me. Am I being delusional?

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You sound like you're desperately wanting to be with anyone so you won't be alone.

 

Maybe you should give try to be single for a while instead of trying to force yourself to feel feelings for someone.

 

It doesn't even make sense to consider someone you feel like you've got to hope and pray you will love.

 

Let it go, he's not the one.

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You will never reciprocate his feelings and it’s unfair of you to still allow him to tell you his feelings.

In fact it’s selfish.

 

You spent far too long in a rebound relationship and I assume that was because of your own fears.

 

I’m guessing you still haven’t actually grieved the loss of your ex before him?

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Never let loneliness and desperation be your guide. Decide on a self improvement plan that includes taking classes, courses, joining groups, clubs, etc to broaden your social horizons and have more fun. Also update your look, get in shape, eat better, get new clothes, hair, etc. Get on some quality dating apps and start messaging and meeting men. Move forward, not back and forth in a vicious cycle.

 

Consider some short term therapy to explore why you've hung on to an on/off damaging, toxic situation for so long and now again want to enter another round of on/off drama.

I've been on and off w my ex more times than I can count in the last 18months.

Never could get the relationship off the ground long enough due to trust issues

I don't love him anymore the way I used to.

We broke up 9 days ago AGAIN after living together for a month.

For the past year this guy has taken advantage of me, mooched off of me, acted shady, and possibly cheated

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>>My ex still emails me professing his love and asking for another chance, and despite all the problems, he KNOWS me and chooses to love me despite all my flaws.

 

Does he know you don't love him? I presume so, unless you've been lying to him.

 

Assuming he knows, then he's a bit of a chump imo, for continuing to profess his love and wanting to get back together, not sure how you respect a guy like that, let alone fall in love with him.

 

So no I don't believe you will ever grow to love him.

 

Just keep going, meeting men, dating. You'll meet your Mr. Right eventually

 

Are you 100% sure you're over your first ex?

 

What if HE came back professing love, how would feel?

 

Serious question.

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Are you 100% sure you're over your first ex?

 

What if HE came back professing love, how would feel?

 

Serious question.

 

Ditto this.

 

You admit yourself that your recent ex wasn't even meant to be serious, that you hoped you'd get over the earlier ex through getting involved with someone else. Trouble with that—the "big no no" that you know—is that you kind of freeze yourself in a state of mourning instead of actually mourning. The very thing you're hoping to do—eliminate big feelings—instead becomes a way to keep those feelings simmering. And, along the way, you end up messing with the feelings and life of another. A lose-lose for everyone involved.

 

Sounds like now is a good time to do some deep searching, to really clean out the head and heart so you can be genuinely open to new romance, and real romance.

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If you two have been boyfriend and girlfriend and you still don't love him - no, it's never going to happen (he was the rebound guy).

 

The only time people grow to love someone is on the first couple months of dating, or in a class/group/work situation where they develop a crush but can't touch.

 

It's not like you see in Hollywood movies. You get one chance at love with a person.

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Thanks for all the responses. And yes being alone may be part of it, but the other part is the fact that so many women want someone who loves them unconditionally, is honest, faithful, and hard working, but are stuck on or in love with the exact opposite. Here is someone that is all of that and yet I don’t feel the same. Very confusing...which is what prompted the question.

 

As far as ex #1, he did come back wanting to reconcile during my relationship with ex #2, which inevitably complicated things. But we did not reconcile and we actually see each other from time to time at the gym and are cordial and catch up every now and then. He has a son now and is with his baby mama, but is still the same cheating guy that he was when I was with him. I’m thankful I survived that relationship and I can see clearly. So the answer to the question about ex #1 is that I WOULD NOT get back with him.

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You’re exactly right and I don’t want to be a “”, which is why I’ve told him that he deserves for someone to love him in the same manner that he loves me. and I just don’t. I wish I did, but I can’t help how I feel or don’t feel.

 

As I stated before, he has some great qualities that I think most women desire, and yet here I am walking away. That’s what prompted the question “Can you grow to love some one?”

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It’s been a long time since I was last on here posting about an ex boyfriend. In an effort to get over THAT ex boyfriend I started dating someone else (big no no, I know). It wasn’t supposed to be a serious thing, but more of a fling. Well almost 3 years later and a rocky relationship, due to several factors, we broke up 15 months ago.

 

Here’s the thing: I haven’t dated anyone seriously since. The person I’m attracted to is unavailable and the few dates I’ve had don’t really go anywhere. My ex still emails me professing his love and asking for another chance, and despite all the problems, he KNOWS me and chooses to love me despite all my flaws. I know he loves me, and he’s trustworthy, and hardworking, and the sex was great....I just don’t love him. Sometimes I wish I did because of his great qualities and some times I think I should just give it another shot and see if I can grow to love him the way he loves me. Am I being delusional?

What do you think love looks like?

What were "all the problems" you and your ex had? Was the guy you are "attracted to" in the picture when you were having these problems with your ex?

Do you think you've ever been in love and if so, what did that love you experienced look like? Love is an action word, its not just about feelings.

 

Who is this "person you are attracted to?" Perhaps he's causing you to be unable to appreciate the man that treats you well, who values you and with whom you have great sex with. As for the guy you are attracted to: I think you may be mistaking attraction for love and lust and infatuation for love as well.

 

As for your question: Yes people can grow to love someone. How do you think emotional affairs bloom out of platonic friendships. It also can happen when there isn't some other person one is attracted to but isn't available is putting a stop to the ability to bloom.

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....I just don’t love him.

 

This tells you all you need to know about that choice. Nobody will tell you that learning how to grow comfortable and eventually thrive solo is easy, but only experience can show you that it's a far better choice than leapfrogging from one bad match to another just to avoid developing this crucial life skill.

 

When you can build a happy life on your own, you're positioned to make better choices about bringing a lover into your life. You won't settle for anyone who doesn't add joy to your life because you'll already have it.

 

There is nothing that anyone can offer you that you can't give to your Self. Once you can experience that, you'll view a relationship as choosing the right icing for your cake rather than as a lifeline.

 

Head high, and don't mess with anyone with whom you aren't 'all in'. You'll thank yourself later.

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