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Thread: Can you grow to love someone?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Are you 100% sure you're over your first ex?

    What if HE came back professing love, how would feel?

    Serious question.
    Ditto this.

    You admit yourself that your recent ex wasn't even meant to be serious, that you hoped you'd get over the earlier ex through getting involved with someone else. Trouble with thatóthe "big no no" that you knowóis that you kind of freeze yourself in a state of mourning instead of actually mourning. The very thing you're hoping to doóeliminate big feelingsóinstead becomes a way to keep those feelings simmering. And, along the way, you end up messing with the feelings and life of another. A lose-lose for everyone involved.

    Sounds like now is a good time to do some deep searching, to really clean out the head and heart so you can be genuinely open to new romance, and real romance.

  2. #12
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    I'm so confused. Is the quote Wisemsn posted (post no 7) re your first ex or recent ex?

  3. #13
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    If you two have been boyfriend and girlfriend and you still don't love him - no, it's never going to happen (he was the rebound guy).

    The only time people grow to love someone is on the first couple months of dating, or in a class/group/work situation where they develop a crush but can't touch.

    It's not like you see in Hollywood movies. You get one chance at love with a person.

  4. #14
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    Thanks for all the responses. And yes being alone may be part of it, but the other part is the fact that so many women want someone who loves them unconditionally, is honest, faithful, and hard working, but are stuck on or in love with the exact opposite. Here is someone that is all of that and yet I donít feel the same. Very confusing...which is what prompted the question.

    As far as ex #1, he did come back wanting to reconcile during my relationship with ex #2, which inevitably complicated things. But we did not reconcile and we actually see each other from time to time at the gym and are cordial and catch up every now and then. He has a son now and is with his baby mama, but is still the same cheating guy that he was when I was with him. Iím thankful I survived that relationship and I can see clearly. So the answer to the question about ex #1 is that I WOULD NOT get back with him.

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  6. #15
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    Youíre exactly right and I donít want to be a ďĒ, which is why Iíve told him that he deserves for someone to love him in the same manner that he loves me. and I just donít. I wish I did, but I canít help how I feel or donít feel.

    As I stated before, he has some great qualities that I think most women desire, and yet here I am walking away. Thatís what prompted the question ďCan you grow to love some one?Ē

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gemini528
    Itís been a long time since I was last on here posting about an ex boyfriend. In an effort to get over THAT ex boyfriend I started dating someone else (big no no, I know). It wasnít supposed to be a serious thing, but more of a fling. Well almost 3 years later and a rocky relationship, due to several factors, we broke up 15 months ago.

    Hereís the thing: I havenít dated anyone seriously since. The person Iím attracted to is unavailable and the few dates Iíve had donít really go anywhere. My ex still emails me professing his love and asking for another chance, and despite all the problems, he KNOWS me and chooses to love me despite all my flaws. I know he loves me, and heís trustworthy, and hardworking, and the sex was great....I just donít love him. Sometimes I wish I did because of his great qualities and some times I think I should just give it another shot and see if I can grow to love him the way he loves me. Am I being delusional?
    What do you think love looks like?
    What were "all the problems" you and your ex had? Was the guy you are "attracted to" in the picture when you were having these problems with your ex?
    Do you think you've ever been in love and if so, what did that love you experienced look like? Love is an action word, its not just about feelings.

    Who is this "person you are attracted to?" Perhaps he's causing you to be unable to appreciate the man that treats you well, who values you and with whom you have great sex with. As for the guy you are attracted to: I think you may be mistaking attraction for love and lust and infatuation for love as well.

    As for your question: Yes people can grow to love someone. How do you think emotional affairs bloom out of platonic friendships. It also can happen when there isn't some other person one is attracted to but isn't available is putting a stop to the ability to bloom.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    ....I just donít love him.
    This tells you all you need to know about that choice. Nobody will tell you that learning how to grow comfortable and eventually thrive solo is easy, but only experience can show you that it's a far better choice than leapfrogging from one bad match to another just to avoid developing this crucial life skill.

    When you can build a happy life on your own, you're positioned to make better choices about bringing a lover into your life. You won't settle for anyone who doesn't add joy to your life because you'll already have it.

    There is nothing that anyone can offer you that you can't give to your Self. Once you can experience that, you'll view a relationship as choosing the right icing for your cake rather than as a lifeline.

    Head high, and don't mess with anyone with whom you aren't 'all in'. You'll thank yourself later.

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