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Thread: Please help me itís complicated

  1. #1

    Please help me itís complicated

    Hi so Iím new to this but Iím in dire need of help on my current situation!
    So back story is this: met this girl at work, (Jan 2018) started hanging out a lot, within the first month of us dating we told each other we loved each other and entered the best honeymoon phase - I say that because I know thatís what that part of the relationship was and donít get me wrong it was the best feeling in the world.
    She was my perfect girlfriend, we had everything going for us, gave her a promise ring on her birthday and I truly loved/love her.
    Skip forwards a few months, we saw each other pretty much everyday, and it was good. Octoberish time we ended up both agreeing to try a theresome with one of her best friends. We were drunk but all consented, and it went bad. Very bad. I felt like I was made out that I forced them to have it, I did not and I would have never of tried to put them both in a situation where they felt unsafe.
    Two weeks later my gf told me that her best friend had confessed to her that he had fancied her for a long time, but I did not react because I had no reason not to trust my gf, and felt comfortable in our relationship and the level that we were at. I also sat down and asked her about what she wanted and she said she honestly wanted what we had and that she was going to keep her distance from him just because of what had happened in the previous weeks with us all.
    Skip forward to last month, so March 2019, weíve been together a year but we began to argue quite a bit, and saw each other every day without fail. We never went out though, even on my 18th birthday when I went out clubbing for the first time and she promised.

    At the end of March it had got to a point weíre I had to talk about it with her and try and think of a way to fix it, and ask if she was happy. She was in quite a state so I gave her a week to reconcile her thoughts and decide whether she thought she wanted us or not. (I had told her I didnít want to break up and wanted to just talk more about feelings to help).
    We came back a week later and she was more prepared, we agreed that we should not see each other as much I.e live in each otherís back pockets, and go right back to basics again. Her words exactly were ďif it works, it works.Ē We also both agreed that we hadnít been the same since the incident in October with her best friend, and I think we had both become a little insecure about it and was too touchy + embarrassing to discuss.
    She said she thought we should remove our label of Ďtogetherí but also not date other people, which I couldnít do anyways.
    We could still text each other and talk and We were both going to put in a conscious effort to make each other happy.

    So itís now the end of April nearly since that all happened, and I mean itís been so so hard. She doesnít want to talk to me about what she wants and how she sees us, and for me I need her to be able to talk to me because thatís where we failed in our relationship which she knows. I know itís petty but she sends me kisses on texts, talks to me about all the amazing things she wants to do in the summer, but the texts are rare and I mean rare and I almost feel like sheís forgotten everything weíve ever had. I know this whole thing might sound hypocritical because we both agreed to going back to basics, but Iím the type of person who needs the reassurance that she misses me, that I actually had a small impact on her life and that she wants to have me by her side. I need that reassurance that it wasnít for nothing. I donít know if I can just be her friend because I love her, and this is so painful to go through because in reality I feel like Iíve lost my best friend as well. I guess I just donít know what she truly wants, and I donít know how to get her to talk to me honestly. I donít know when Iím next going to hear from her, if she will be blunt or send kisses, or even if she will tell me that she misses me again. Iím so confused on the whole situation and itís driving me insane because all I want to do it call her and tell her I love her but i cant. I canít sleep because Iím wondering if Iíll ever get her back, and it internally frustrates me so much when she talks about exciting things she wants to do but then doesnít ask about what I want to do or if I even want to do any of them with her. Am I over reacting? How do I get her to talk to me? Or do I need to not talk to her at all for a while and see if that can help? I want to be there for her, but all the mixed signals I donít know if she wants me to chill out or not? Like is she waiting for me to say it first or not? I guess I just want to get the simple yes I want to be with you or the no I donít so then I can try and move on.
    Please can someone just be brutally honest with me and give me some help. It is such a weird and confusing stage to be in, because I feel like all the things I could do 3 months ago like just go over and see her, I canít do now and it sucks big time.
    Last edited by Bondl1209; 04-19-2019 at 08:03 PM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Sorry you feel so lost. The thing is, you gave her all the control,and she knows this. What she is doing is keeping you on the hook, or on the back burner while she is most likely weighing out her options with other guys. The best thing to do is to breakup with her flat out. It would be like ripping the band-aid off fast..getting it over with. Being that sorry sap is giving her all the power. Take it back by dumping her. Make her the one that comes back on her knees begging for you to take her back. By then you should be at the clubs grinding with other girls on the dance floor.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Just to clarify, the best friend you had a threesome with was a guy friend, yes? In what way were you made to feel like you coerced them into this?

    I think that she is backing out of your relationship and keeping her options open until she is ready to cut the cord completely. I realize that she says you two won't date others, but then what is the point of removing the "relationship" label from you two?

    Also, I note that you are all very young. This is more than likely not going to be the girl you wind up with. You two had an interesting run together but it sounds like she's outgrown it and doesn't quite know how to tell you it's over. I would let her know that this current limbo you're in doesn't work for you, and you will consider yourself single from here on out if she can't commit to being with you. The current arrangement isn't the way back to each other anyway.

  4. #4
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Yes I would agree with the other posters and say this is over. Sounds like she wants to explore other options and see other guys. Don't beat yourself up. There is nothing more that you could have done. The whole 'we shouldn't be together but not date other people' means she doesn't want to be with you and she will be seeing other people but if they don't work out she's got you hanging on.

    I would block her. Don't hang around like a lost puppy waiting and wishing for crumbs of hope that will just devalue you in her eyes.

    You are still very young so although it sucks right now it will pass and you will meet many more new people who will be a better match. Go out and enjoy yourself, spend time with friends and family etc


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