Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Reminding Myself of My Worth

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Posts
    268

    Reminding Myself of My Worth

    It's been about a year and a half since my breakup, and although I keep doing better and better, I am still healing from it.

    I've found myself ruminating and being nostalgic a little this last week or two, so I figured it would benefit me to make a thread to remind myself of where I came from and where I'm going.

    To begin with, the relationship had some serious issues and she was not good to me. No matter if I miss her at times, I need to remember how the relationship was hurting me and how it ended. With anecdotes like an instance of cheating early on while I lost my relationship with my father, being apathetic to what was likely a heart attack for me at age 22, or being willing to hold my PTSD triggers against me that stemmed from surviving a murder attempt.. She was not kind or caring for me. Likewise, there were chronic issues in the relationship, like an unwillingness to communicate, a refusal to work towards improving or progressing the relationship, apathy towards me being in a serious situation of domestic violence/abuse from family, and even a tendency to guilt trip me to stay in that situation...she was not treating me with the decency and care that anyone deserves in a relationship.

    The ending of the relationship was quite horrendous, characterized by her choosing to cheat because I'd become depressed after a close childhood friend of mine was murdered, followed by months of being manipulated and lied to by her to take advantage of me while she was dating someone new. All the compounded factors eventually worsened my life situation with my mother/abuser getting much sicker, to the point where I had to survive a second possible murder attempt by her, and with me both not graduating from university on time and having to quit my job from it all.

    Clearly, the relationship wasn't worth it, even if it felt like my salvation.

    However, that's in the past. I've since had all home issues solved permanently, have moved past all the mental health issues I used to face, have finished my university coursework for my bachelor's (and am now starting to get work done towards getting into a master's program), and have had very significant improvements for myself. Finally, and most importantly, I've regained respect for myself that I'd previously lost and I know exactly what I want in my life at this time (and how to achieve it). I have a solid plan that will get me where I want to be and that is attainable, and I have the things in my life under control.

    I felt the need to post this just to remind myself of these things. I deserve better, and better is where I keep ending up thanks to the work I am putting in.

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    The emerald city
    Posts
    736
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by 11moreweeks
    It's been about a year and a half since my breakup, and although I keep doing better and better, I am still healing from it.

    I've found myself ruminating and being nostalgic a little this last week or two,
    Fading affect bias causes you to think about the good things and forget about the bad side of a past relationship.

    You should print out your post and read it every time you think about the ex.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,187
    Have you considered therapy?

    I've said this to you many times before, your relationship was codependent and destructive, you expected her to save you from your dangerous home life when she was still a child herself. Your expectations towards her were completely unrealistic, that doesn't take away from her cheating, but your relationship was simply never sustainable. She could not provide for you what you needed. She couldn't 'save' you.

    I don't know of any human being on this planet that could have gone through literally fearing for his life, while in such a vulnerable time in his life, and not need...something to work through it. But you cant even begin to work through that if you havent let go of your hurt and anger towards her 'abandoning' you.

    Please consider seeing someone, long term, you have a lot to work through.

    You have shown incredible strength though, most would have broken with half of what you faced, you have a lot to be proud of, unfortunately you didnt leave your childhood emotionally unscathed, you have to relearn how to interact in healthy ways.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,947
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by 11moreweeks
    I've since had all home issues solved permanently, have moved past all the mental health issues I used to face, have finished my university coursework for my bachelor's (and am now starting to get work done towards getting into a master's program), and have had very significant improvements for myself. Finally, and most importantly, I've regained respect for myself that I'd previously lost and I know exactly what I want in my life at this time (and how to achieve it). I have a solid plan that will get me where I want to be and that is attainable, and I have the things in my life under control.

    I felt the need to post this just to remind myself of these things. I deserve better, and better is where I keep ending up thanks to the work I am putting in.
    Good job. One reason abused children grow into adults who view romantic relationships as 'salvation,' no matter how lousy they are, is that their emotional brain develops coded to seek out aspects of their abusers in their lovers in order to 'fix' the dynamics of their past.

    That's textbook 101 stuff to figure out, but it usually takes expert help to resolve it. So while you're moving toward a place that feels healed and whole, and congrats on that, you're more than likely to fall back into the same pattern with any potential lover who triggers that unconscious desire.

    To prevent that, consider working with a counselor or therapist. If you're enrolling in a master's program, and congrats on that, your tuition will cover mental health counseling on campus. Meanwhile, consider contacting the admin office of your school to learn whether they will make such counseling available to you before your term starts. Otherwise, consider other avenues of access to counseling such as through your job insurance or a government program.

    It's one thing to feel vindicated for ditching your emotional hold on someone who has treated you badly, but it's a whole other challenge to address the part of yourself that was willing to put up with the lousy lover in the first place. That's how to prevent yourself from latching onto the next person who doesn't own the capacity to give you the love you deserve.

    Head high, and congrats on your progress.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Posts
    268
    @RayRay63: maybe I will do that, but we'll see how it goes. I don't really have many feelings left about how it all went down, and I'm not thinking about the relationship much, but that's usually when these things sneak up on you.

    @Catfeeder: thanks! Yeah, I likely will seek therapy again during graduate school, though I did get a real effective period of therapy for 9 months after my breakup. More healthcare is always good in my book. I feel rather confident that the relationship-focused issues have been resolved for quite a while (over a year), it's just seemed more like the regular motions of healing from a nasty breakup. I actually think I ditched the personal issues that let me tolerate the relationship long before I got rid of most of the emotional hold, thanks in part to therapy and a wonderful network of friends.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,947
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by 11moreweeks
    I actually think I ditched the personal issues that let me tolerate the relationship long before I got rid of most of the emotional hold, thanks in part to therapy and a wonderful network of friends.
    Glad to hear this, 11. You're on to a great future, and we're always here for any bumps in the road. We all have those, and while they may feel like backslides, they are not. Nothing can take away your progress from you.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •