Understanding my friend

I have a close friend of mine who vents to me frequently about her bf. She says things like "I just want him to leave" or "I don't give a f#%@ about him" or "he stresses me out" or "I don't want to be around him." Now, I know he doesn't respect her or treat her very well but I'm trying to figure out if this is a "cry for help" or if she's just the kind who likes to vent and live in misery. I've told her several times to just leave his ass. I would venture to guess she's afraid to or worried about where she would go if she did even though she acts like a tough independent woman. I want to make sure I'm not reading things wrong and also get any advice on how to address this so she us steered in the right direction

You've already given her advice to leave him. Ask her why she stays with him.

Tell her you could go to a garage sale and buy a broken record for a dollar if you really wanted to listen to one.

Half-joking aside, you don't have to understand anything. It's her life and her responsibility. Just smile and nod if you can tolerate it or let her know candidly that you empathize with her but that it's getting emotionally exhausting to listen to. If her issues are getting to the point they're affecting you, that's toxic.

You might ask her

Are you interested in figuring out why you choose to stay?

Can you envision next month or next year still being in this relationship? Can you envision next month or next year living your own life?

She needs to focus on herself, not on what he is doing and not doing. Leave/stay conversations may be leaping past the kinds of understanding she is struggling to gain by staying.

I think it would be best to simply tell your friend that you no longer want to discuss her relationship.

I have asked her why she dies she stay there. She replies that she don't know. I have told her it sounds like he's toxic and all. We just had a conversation the other day infact that ended with me asking her "do you ever wonder what it would be like to not have that stress?"

I feel she is a good person but seems stuck. I've been trying for a while to get her to see the light and drop him and move on (I know easier said than done) and think it would be healthier for her. She even made the comment the other day that she wishes she just had her own little house. Her bf has been pressuring ber to buy a house with him utilizing her GI bill load program. I adviced her that would be a huge mistake. She has made comments in the past several times that she don't want to get into a legal attachment with this guy and claims she isn't going to do it. Then a week or two later she talks about the same subject like she is "kicking it around." She don't really have any credit either but I'm not sure how that works with the military load program.

It's not really your business to get her to see the light or drop him and move on. That's your opinion of the matter but all it's going to do is frustrate you further and there's very little outcome. People have to come to that realization themselves. You can either stick around for a lot of it or limit your contact with her. I think your friendship is enabling. She'll eventually understand what she has to understand in this relationship on her own.

He probably still loves him, he owns her heart.

You have to let people live thier own lives

Whatever it is she's getting out of the relationship makes it worth it (to her) to put up with whatever she doesn't like.

Some people would rather be with someone, anyone, than be "alone".

Here are some things to say to her:

I have something on the stove

I am driving

I am in the middle of working at home

Most important thing she should listen to:

Your voicemail.

Stop engaging her drama. Do not live vicariously. Distance yourself and be very busy very often.

I think it would be best to simply tell your friend that you no longer want to discuss her relationship.

I second this!

It is one thing to be supportive, another to be a sounding board.

Here are some things to say to her:

I have something on the stove

I am driving

I am in the middle of working at home

Most important thing she should listen to:

Your voicemail.

Stop engaging her drama. Do not live vicariously. Distance yourself and be very busy very often.

Very well said, Wiseman2. Her friend just likes to complain, IMHO. Some people are like that.

I think it would be best to simply tell your friend that you no longer want to discuss her relationship.

Perfect solution! Clear and simple.

Whatever it is she's getting out of the relationship makes it worth it (to her) to put up with whatever she doesn't like.

 

Some people would rather be with someone, anyone, than be "alone".

This^.

And what Gary Snyder too, no matter how badly he treats her, and how much she wishes it could be different, bottom line is he owns her heart.

It's hard I know, I am currently in same position as you with my friend, but it's her choice.

Try and allow her to work this out herself; she may have to hit rock bottom with him, which may take a while.

Be a a good listener, that's what I'm trying to do.

It's hard!!

Can you elaborate how someone "owns someone's heart?"

He probably still loves him, he owns her heart.

 

You have to let people live thier own lives

I feel she has already hit rock bottom with this guy in the past but she maintains status with him even though he treats her like trash. I can't understand how someone stays with someone when they aren't happy. Are they afraid of change or improvement to their lives?

This^.

 

And what Gary Snyder too, no matter how badly he treats her, and how much she wishes it could be different, bottom line is he owns her heart.

 

It's hard I know, I am currently in same position as you with my friend, but it's her choice.

 

Try and allow her to work this out herself; she may have to hit rock bottom with him, which may take a while.

 

Be a a good listener, that's what I'm trying to do.

 

It's hard!!

Because they aren't REALLY "unhappy". Or, not unhappy enough to leave. Again, perhaps she feels an unsatisfactory relationship is better than being a single boyfriend-less loser.

And no, I don't think single people are losers. But maybe that's how she views herself.

Here are some things to say to her:

I have something on the stove

I am driving

I am in the middle of working at home

Most important thing she should listen to:

Your voicemail.

Stop engaging her drama. Do not live vicariously. Distance yourself and be very busy very often.

This^.

 

And what Gary Snyder too, no matter how badly he treats her, and how much she wishes it could be different, bottom line is he owns her heart.

 

It's hard I know, I am currently in same position as you with my friend, but it's her choice.

 

Try and allow her to work this out herself; she may have to hit rock bottom with him, which may take a while.

 

Be a a good listener, that's what I'm trying to do.

 

It's hard!!

Katrina, I do not agree. Some of these folks will go on for years. They thrive on the drama. It is not fair to a friend, to dump this crap on them on a regular basis. It is abusive to the friendship, and also enabling.

I'd say, "When you complain about BF you make me dislike him, but then you just go back to him and nothing changes. Let's limit all discussion of him to either positive things OR you can let me know how I can help you if you ever want to leave him."

Allowing her to vent just embeds her more deeply into her problems. She complains just enough to relieve some pressure, then she feels better, you feel worse, and nothing changes. Skip that. Badmouthing the guy also embeds her, and it risks alienating her from you. When you advise her to leave and she doesn't, it makes it more difficult for her to be around you--which can only isolate her with him.

Best bet--let her know you're available to help her if she ever wants to make changes, but your days as a pressure valve that only helps her to avoid change are over.

One of my friends told me (after I'd complained for the umpteenth time about my husband) "look, boltnrun, I love you to death. But you either leave that man or you stop complaining about him because I'm sick to death of hearing you complain about him without doing anything about it."

What a great friend! She was 110% right.

I think it would be best to simply tell your friend that you no longer want to discuss her relationship.

I second this!

 

It is one thing to be supportive, another to be a sounding board.

I hear ya, but gosh if she's a good friend, that's sooooo hard to do!

Going thru same thing, and I cannot imagine myself saying this to a good friend who is struggling, sounds rather snarky, imo.

I dunno, it's a tough situation to be in, for sure.

See, I saw it as someone who cared enough about me to be honest, even though she was taking the chance that I would choose to be offended.

One of my friends announced she was going to marry a man she'd met a month earlier. This man was living in a group home situation because he'd been homeless and abusing substances. He'd just finished treatment. That was enough to concern me, but she'd only known him ONE MONTH! Our other friends were cooing and gushing about how beautiful she was going to look in her wedding dress, while I was standing there thinking "do these people realize this is a MARRIAGE that's about to happen? Who cares how pretty she's going to look in a wedding dress! Sure, let's focus on the superficial and never mind that she's going to marry a guy she's known for only a month!" So I wrote her an email. I wrote that I loved her and wanted her to be happy, but I could not in good conscience let this go without expressing my concerns. Instead of getting butt hurt, she thanked me for caring enough about her to say something I knew she might not want to hear. It was a relief because I didn't want to lose her as a friend, but I wasn't willing to lie to keep her. Thankfully, she did NOT end up marrying that man. They broke up about a month after the engagement announcement because she said he was getting on her nerves!

Can this friend accept honesty without getting upset or blaming you for being "unsupportive" or "negative"? If you feel she can't, I'd just let her know that I understand there are things she doesn't like about him but since she doesn't plan to leave the relationship it's better you two don't discuss him.

@bolt, yeah being honest. Good point.

It does get tiring.

Such a tough situation, cause you don't want to risk offending and possibly jeapardizing the friendship.

For me, I listen for a bit, then change the subject.

Seems to be helping.