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Thread: Understanding my friend

  1. #1
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    Understanding my friend

    I have a close friend of mine who vents to me frequently about her bf. She says things like "I just want him to leave" or "I don't give a f#%@ about him" or "he stresses me out" or "I don't want to be around him." Now, I know he doesn't respect her or treat her very well but I'm trying to figure out if this is a "cry for help" or if she's just the kind who likes to vent and live in misery. I've told her several times to just leave his ass. I would venture to guess she's afraid to or worried about where she would go if she did even though she acts like a tough independent woman. I want to make sure I'm not reading things wrong and also get any advice on how to address this so she us steered in the right direction

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You've already given her advice to leave him. Ask her why she stays with him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Tell her you could go to a garage sale and buy a broken record for a dollar if you really wanted to listen to one.

    Half-joking aside, you don't have to understand anything. It's her life and her responsibility. Just smile and nod if you can tolerate it or let her know candidly that you empathize with her but that it's getting emotionally exhausting to listen to. If her issues are getting to the point they're affecting you, that's toxic.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    You might ask her

    Are you interested in figuring out why you choose to stay?

    Can you envision next month or next year still being in this relationship? Can you envision next month or next year living your own life?

    She needs to focus on herself, not on what he is doing and not doing. Leave/stay conversations may be leaping past the kinds of understanding she is struggling to gain by staying.

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  6. #5
    I think it would be best to simply tell your friend that you no longer want to discuss her relationship.

  7. #6
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    I have asked her why she dies she stay there. She replies that she don't know. I have told her it sounds like he's toxic and all. We just had a conversation the other day infact that ended with me asking her "do you ever wonder what it would be like to not have that stress?"

    I feel she is a good person but seems stuck. I've been trying for a while to get her to see the light and drop him and move on (I know easier said than done) and think it would be healthier for her. She even made the comment the other day that she wishes she just had her own little house. Her bf has been pressuring ber to buy a house with him utilizing her GI bill load program. I adviced her that would be a huge mistake. She has made comments in the past several times that she don't want to get into a legal attachment with this guy and claims she isn't going to do it. Then a week or two later she talks about the same subject like she is "kicking it around." She don't really have any credit either but I'm not sure how that works with the military load program.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's not really your business to get her to see the light or drop him and move on. That's your opinion of the matter but all it's going to do is frustrate you further and there's very little outcome. People have to come to that realization themselves. You can either stick around for a lot of it or limit your contact with her. I think your friendship is enabling. She'll eventually understand what she has to understand in this relationship on her own.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    He probably still loves him, he owns her heart.

    You have to let people live thier own lives

  10. #9
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    Whatever it is she's getting out of the relationship makes it worth it (to her) to put up with whatever she doesn't like.

    Some people would rather be with someone, anyone, than be "alone".

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Here are some things to say to her:
    I have something on the stove
    I am driving
    I am in the middle of working at home
    Most important thing she should listen to:
    Your voicemail.
    Stop engaging her drama. Do not live vicariously. Distance yourself and be very busy very often.

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