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Thread: I suffer by living but I love my girlfriend too much to leave her

  1. #1

    I suffer by living but I love my girlfriend too much to leave her

    Hi all,

    I am currently in a long distance relationship, and we've never actually met. But we've been talking for nearly a year now and we both love eachother and want to work towards seeing eachother and maybe having a life together.

    However, I am struggling. I have countless mental health issues, all untreated. I have tried dozens of things but nothing helps. I only feel happy when she's talking to me. But obviously, she has a life to live and she can't always be there.
    She's in high school in her last year. I'm a college drop out and I struggle to land jobs. For the past 2 years I've been struggling with jobs, due to low hours and pay, and always had bosses. I have finally got a job with good pay (it's still pretty low for people who don't have ty lives), a fair boss, but still few hours.

    The point is, she has a good family, quite a few good friends, she's doing good in hs and she's generally a very sweet, innocent and happy girl. Probably why she makes me happy.
    I, on the other hand, am the opposite. I have no friends, a family that I couldn't be any more detached from (long story behind that but I just don't like them any more). I'm struggling, I now depend on alcohol to keep me occupied when I'm bored, or sad. I drink heavily 3-4 times a week now, but before that I had spent a year and 7 months drinking 1-2 times a week. So it's got worse. I have no motivation to stop or go get help, because a huge part of me just wants to die.

    If it wasn't for my girlfriend, I'd be dead rn. I often hope the drinking finally puts me out of my misery. And parts of me hopes she'll get sick of me and leave so I can finally end it with no shame. But she's far too loving to do such a thing.

    She knows the state I'm in and I know it sometimes hurts her but I literally can't do anything about it. I'm in constant conflict with myself to have any motivation to do anything. I wish I could be better for her. But the world is constantly throwing me hands, and I only make things progressively worse.

    I don't fully know why I'm posting this. I will reject any advice to seek for help. I guess I'd just like to know: Why? Is it right for me to keep on? Would it really ruin her life like she says it will if someone she never really met but loved killed themselves?

    I guess it'd also be nice to just talk to a person who may have some form of similar experience.

    My girlfriend is my world now. Besides her, I'm dead. And before someone says "Go find some interests", I've tried so much and nothing interests me any more. Apart from just watching to make the days go quicker and drinking.

    This is as simplified as I can get it.

    Sorry if I sound like a .
    Thanks if anyone reads this I guess

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    A lot of people who catfish and scam people do it for the sames reasons you do.

  3. #3
    What are you on about?

  4. #4
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    Well, since you said you will reject any advice to seek medical treatment, I won't go there, even though I think you need and woud help.

    But it's your choice.

    I also won't go into this cyber interaction you've enmeshed yourself in as I suspect you will reject that too.

    However, there was a question in your post that I will answer.

    >>Would it really ruin her life like she says it will if someone she never really met but loved killed themselves?<<

    I doubt it will "ruin" her life, she has a very long life ahead of her, she's very young, resilient, she will be very sad of course but will bounce back.

    Lastly, your post seems to be more of a cry for help or a vent rather than seeking advice since you've stated you will reject.

    My response is I have felt like you do at certain points in my life, deep depression due to bipolar 2, it took a few doctors and various different meds before finding the right doctor and medication.

    Currently I manage symptoms on my own and don't even need meds anymore.

    OP, there is help for you IF you want to feel better; I'm actually not sure you do.

    But there is help if you do, your choice, good luck.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Well, since you said you will reject any advice to seek medical treatment, I won't go there, even though I think you need and woud help.

    But it's your choice.

    I also won't go into this cyber interaction you've enmeshed yourself in as I suspect you will reject that too.

    However, there was a question in your post that I will answer.

    >>Would it really ruin her life like she says it will if someone she never really met but loved killed themselves?<<

    I doubt it will "ruin" her life, she has a very long life ahead of her, she's very young, resilient, she will be very sad of course but will bounce back.

    Lastly, your post seems to be more of a cry for help or a vent rather than seeking advice since you've stated you will reject.

    My response is I have felt like you do at certain points in my life, deep depression due to bipolar 2, it took a few doctors and various different meds before finding the right doctor and medication.

    Currently I manage symptoms on my own and don't even need meds anymore.

    OP, there is help for you IF you want to feel better; I'm actually not sure you do.

    But there is help if you do, your choice, good luck.
    Hi, thanks for the honest reply

    She does keep trying to get me to seek help. But in the UK, our free health service is overrun. I have enquired about an appointment with a doctor a couple times now, last month I even went to several different clinics. The quickest one to even be able to see a doctor is a 3 month wait. Then when they refer you, it's usually 6+ months. By the time I would actually get the help I probably need, she would probably be in the UK.

    Even then, some stuff I can't help. I have been in a constant struggle financially, especially considering at the age of 17, my parents gave me the responsibility to pay for everything, but discounted rent. The little money I have left is then spent on alcohol.

    As for the question, I know you're right. I did think that. She says she'll give up college, get depressed and even said she might harm herself, even end it. Even though I have high doubts she wont do it, I'd rather have 100% certainty. But even then, it does suck to know how much it would hurt her.

    I guess I just want an easy way out. My life started to slowly take a turn at the young age of 8ish. So for over half my life I have thoroughly not enjoyed my stay. I don't think a person like that can really be saved

  7. #6
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    I don't have time to fully respond right now, but just wanted to say alcohol is a depressant. This is a fact.

    It has a numbing effect, but ultimately it increases your depressive feelings, making you feel worse.

    It's also very expensive!

    Would you consider yourself an alcoholic?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I'm going to say it anyway - you need help. You wont resolve your issues on your own, professional help is needed. If you have to get on a waiting list, do it. Every day you are one day closer to being able to get the help you desperately need. You are far too young to be so f*cked up.

    Alcohol indeed a depressant, so you are making your issues worse by drinking.

  9. #8
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    Deleted, wrong thread!

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I'm going to say it anyway - you need help. You wont resolve your issues on your own, professional help is needed. If you have to get on a waiting list, do it. Every day you are one day closer to being able to get the help you desperately need. You are far too young to be so f*cked up.

    Alcohol indeed a depressant, so you are making your issues worse by drinking.
    I mean the alcohol is all I really have left. I understand this, but that's why I also believe it's checkmate. I'm running out of moves to make.

    I am trying to see a doctor but it's getting the time to do it. I can't risk losing my job

    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I don't have time to fully respond right now, but just wanted to say alcohol is a depressant. This is a fact.

    It has a numbing effect, but ultimately it increases your depressive feelings, making you feel worse.

    It's also very expensive!

    Would you consider yourself an alcoholic?
    I know, but tbf, it hasn't really made things worse. I was already seriously bad anyway. The only thing it did start to make worse was my financial difficulty. I used to spend 150 a month on alcohol. Now I spend about 60.

    I tend to be more productive when I drink too. I got distinctions in college for work I made whilst drunk, and I even got into college whilst under the influence as well as landing myself a couple of jobs under the influence.

    Now? Yes, I believe I am a mild alcoholic. Not necessarily addicted, but very dependant.
    But last year and the year before that, I wouldn't call that alcoholism.

    Thank you all for stopping by

  11. #10
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    The alcohol is messing with your mind. Get on a list. Sign up. That is one thing you can do this week. Just that one to-do list item: Get on a list to enter an in-residence program. They will have a waiting period anyhow, so its not like you're deciding to go. Just get on the list.

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