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Thread: It's ramblin' time.

  1. #51
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    Because if you dump her (which you did, and rightfully so) it's easier for her to turn around and act like you're the bad guy. Also, instant victim role for her because dumpee = victim to most people and then everyone can join her in a self grandizing, ego boosting pity party.

    The relations between him and her predate your entry into her life. She had unfinished business with him, maybe she always had a thing for him, which it would make it wrong for her to enter a relationship with you if she couldn't fully let go of this guy. Sadly, I've seen this happen a couple times. When someone is like that, it doesn't matter who their current partner is or what they are like, they will go back to the old person because it's the past and it's unfinished business. It's a tired trope really, the old forgotten "friend" who interrupts a wedding "I OBJECT", spills his heart out, and the bride leaves with him. But what about the jilted groom? If he loved her enough, would she have stayed? If he "gave" more, would she still be there? If he were a better man, would she have married him?

    No, I don't believe so. Remember when FB came out and there was a rash of infidelity involving FB? Long married men reaching out to their HS sweethearts? Why on earth would you throw away a good 25 year marriage for an unremarkable woman with her own baggage (marriage or divorce, kids, debt, etc)? Really, he's going to crater his own life (divorce, alimony, devastating his children, etc.) for some woman who had his first kiss and handy with in a Mustang when they were 16? Yet, it happens.

    There is something tantalizing about unfinished past business, old loves, etc. There's a nostalgic, comfort effect too. It's not a comparison about you versus him. It says WAY more about her (negatively) and it says nothing about you as a person or a partner. I firmly believe, based on my own experience, that your place as her current partner could have been slotted in with anyone else and the same end would occur. This is solely on her.

    I'm so sorry you're hurting.

  2. #52
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Thank you, Fudgie. You explained this very well and I think I'll be reading this post over again as I go through the healing process because I need to be reminded that it wasn't my fault. Logically I know that and see the truth in your words. But emotionally... it's very difficult to not feel like I must have been nothing at all. To be replaced like that has really messed me up. It broke me.

    All I think about is our time together. I can't seem to distract myself and I just feel down 24/7. Can't even get any sleep because my brain is so overactive with all these thoughts. All these hopes, wishes and dreams that are dead now. A future I was certain of turned into me being completely lost.

    I know I say this a lot but everyone who drops by to help me... I appreciate you so much. I don't have a support system other than y'all. You help more than you know.

    Thank you.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry this happened. I think it's really admirable and says a lot about you as a person that once you understood what was going on, you bowed out. It takes a certain willingness to accept life as is and self worth to do that, and plenty of people get sucked in for years or a lifetime trying to "fix" or change for the person.
    You are who you are, and even in painful circumstances kept your head up and showed so much grace. I just think, even if it's hard for you to see it right now, you have a lot of amazing qualities you bring to the table.

    I do agree with Fudgie. I think this is where she is at, and it's really not your fault and there was nothing you could do. You gave your all, were open, loved her, it's ok to miss her sometimes and grieve that.

  4. #54
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    I appreciate that, IAG. I can say that I am glad I was able to face the facts and immediately do what's best for me and I don't think younger me would have. I understand why some people would stay because it really feels like I lose either way. For her, if I stay, cool. If I don't that's cool too. Definitely a hard pill to swallow but better to begin the grieving now than try and fix what can't be repaired only to have to go through this however long later. Or try to convince myself I'm okay with something that I'm definitely not just so I won't be lonely.

    It helps to see things from an outside perspective. Thank you both for giving me that.

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  6. #55
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    I agree with IAG. It says a lot about you as a person that you could see the writing on the wall and walk. Not many would be able to do that. So I do commend you for that.

    Knowing something intellectually vs emotionally is tricky...can be hard to get the two to "match". Unfortunately, only time really helps with that. Give yourself a lot of time to grieve. Remember, you have my email, you are always free to reach out.

  7. #56
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Thank you, Fudgie. Thanks so much for being there; it means a lot.

  8. #57
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    It's crazy how many emotions i can feel at the same time. Never have I been in a state of anger, sadness, frustration, and fear all at once, but that's how it's been. I'm SO mad at her but I also miss what we had so much. I feel like I'm insane with the combination of feelings that just shouldn't coexist.

    Not been handling this well at all. Been very self-destructive and having some scary dark thoughts. Can't seem to enjoy a single thing, either. Just feel dead inside. Maybe I should be dead in general. I really don't belong in this world.

  9. #58
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    God, I just wish I was stronger. I'm so weak.

  10. #59
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    It's horrible what you are going through but it doesn't make you weak. I think that's why infidelity cuts so deep because the betrayed partner oscillates between mourning the lost trust and the betrayal because they love the cheater while also feeling extremely angry, sad, fearful, etc.

    You are not weak. You are hurt, but you are not weak.

    I'm so sorry you're feeling awful.

  11. #60
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    There's something wrong with my eyes, Fudgie. I can't seem to get them to stop leaking. Thank you for your kind words. You're right... I'm just really hurt. Every day is such a struggle to get through. I'm suicidal over this b****h.

    I don't know why you're so kind to me but I can't express enough how much it means.

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